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GURNEY MARRIED

A SEQUEL TO

GILBERT GURNEY.

BY THE

AUTHOR OF " SAYINGS AND DOINGS."

IN THREE VOLUMES.

VOL. I.

LONDON:
HENRY COLBUEN, PUBLISHER,

GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET.

1838.

OIMJERT & RIVINGTON, PRINTERS

st. John's square.

J

X

V

GURNEY MARRIED.

CHAPTER I.

The first part of the late Mr. Gurney's memoirs
having been very favourably received by the
public, I have been induced to continue my
search amongst his manuscripts, in order to afford
its readers some further information connected
with the ann%ls of his family. -s.

It may be recollected that the concluding
words of the first portion of his papers are, " We
were married ;" which words refer to his
union with Harriet, eldest daughter of the
Reverend Richard Wells, Rector of Blissfold

vol. i. b

2 GURNEY MARRIED.

in the county of Hants. After this event Mr.
Gilbert Gurney, as every man when he marries
should do, turned over a new leaf — in his com-
mon-place book ; and I find a hiatus, " valde de-
jiendus" of nearly two months, in his memoranda.
Love, I presume, left him no leisure for litera-
ture ; at least there is nothing- discoverable in
the way of detail, affecting either the celebration
of his wedding, or the subsequent excursion
which fashionable delicacy appears to have ren-
dered indispensable upon such occasions ; and
the first resumption of his notes occurs on the
first day of the year succeeding that in which he
became a Benedick: and thus he writes: —

I begin a new year in a new character — I am
now a married man. " Marriage," says Johnson,
" is the strictest tie of perpetual friendship, and
there can be no friendship without confidence,
and no confidence without integrity; and he
must expect to be wretched who pays to beauty,
riches, and politeness, that regard which only
virtue and piety can claim." Johnson was
right.

GURNEY MARRIED. 3

Cuthbert's munificence has enabled me to
establish myself in perfect comfort. He has
made one stipulation — he desires to make our
house his home ; and when the young Fal-
wassers, his wife's children, have their school
vacations, they are also to pass their Christmas
and Midsummer holidays here. This is all right
and pleasant — a combination not very common
in the affairs of this world. Cuthbert has an
apartment of two rooms, consisting of a study
and bed-chamber, allotted to him, both opening
into Harriet's flower-garden on the south side of
the house ; for his long residence in India has
rendered him extremely sensitive, as far as our
capricious climate is concerned.

Fanny Wells is staying with my wife, to
whom she was always an affectionate sister ; and
we are all as happy as we could wish, and per-
haps even happier than we deserve to be. I
feel myself snatched from the follies and frivoli-
ties of an idle vagabond life, and placed by pro-
vidence in a haven of security, where nothing
but quietude and comfort are to be found.

13 2

GURNEY MARRIED.

There was certainly something remarkably
odd in the way in which I was inveigled into
matrimony. My father-in-law's conduct might,
in many other cases, have been attributed to
interested motives, and his eagerness to conclude
a matrimonial treaty between his daughter and
myself, might have been put to the account of his
anxiety to get her off his hands, and settle her
advantageously in the world; but that cannot be
thought or imagined, the moment the smallness of
mv income is taken into consideration. What
startles me most, and most powerfully excites my
gratitude to Providence is, that circumstances
should have occurred not only to prevent distress
and uneasiness, and perhaps worse calamities, in
my wife's family, and not only to rescue us from
the necessity of undertaking a voyage to India, but
to place us in a state of such agreeable compe-
tency as that in which we now find ourselves.

When Cuthbert first established himself at
Ashmead — a somewhat pastoral " name" for my
first " local habitation"— I was very much Bur-
prised at his absolute helplessness. His servant

GURNEY MARRIED. 5

is qui-hi'd into his room every five minutes.
Lighting a taper or sealing a letter appears to be
an Herculean task to him, and the listlessness
which pervades the conduct of his life, manifests
itself so strongly when we are at breakfast or
dinner, that I am sure if, amongst the innumer-
able classes of domestics with which India
abounds, there were such an officer as an Eata-
bader to be had, Cuthbert would have him at
any price.

When we first met at Gosport, he was so
evidently labouring under the effects of bad
health and depression of spirits, that I could
quite understand this abasement of animal exer-
tion ; and before I knew how nearly we were
connected, I felt the deepest sympathy for his
unhappy case. Now, that feeling is changed
into wonder and astonishment, that a being who,
by what he calls his own exertions, has contrived
to realize a handsome fortune, should seem to
possess no power of exerting himself upon any
occasion whatever. His health is good, his

b3

b GURNEY MARRIED.

spirits are recovering rapidly, but his torpor con-
tinues.

He is, I find, like our friend Nubley, afflicted
with occasional fits of absence. I am afraid, if
Harriet were to speak truth, she and her sister
Fanny would not break their hearts if the fit
were permanent. He crawls or is wheeled out
of his own rooms every day about noon, and seats
himself in the drawing-room, in order, as he says,
to amuse the ladies and the visitors who chance
to call ; and the ladies are forced to remain where
they are, in order to amuse him. He talks to
everybody with whom he meets, as if he had
known them all his life ; and I cannot conceal
the fact from myself, that he talks about nothing
in the world, let him talk long as he may.

Wells rather enjoys his peculiarities, and
Nubley listens to him with the deepest interest.
In short, strange as it may seem, I believe Cuth-
bert's anxiety that I should take this house was
mainly attributable to his desire to be near his
old friend and former partner. To Harriet, of

GURNEY MARRIED.

course, remaining in the neighbourhood of her
father and mother is extremely agreeable ; but
I see that poor dear Cuthbert, with all his kind-
nesses, conferred as they are in the oddest man-
ner, is a bit of a bore to the ladies of the circle.
Harriet, disliking the formality of calling him
brother-in law, — which, on account of the differ-
ences in our ages, she does not approve, — and not
venturing to address him as Cuthbert, has trans-
formed him into a cousin, and " cousin" she
always calls him. I heard Wells, after she had
once used this endearing appellation, say to her,
loud enough for me to hear it, " Harriet, don't
you wish he was a cousin once removed ?"

This naturally worries me. I am one of those
few people in the world who see the faults and
imperfections of my nearest relations and con-
nexions, perhaps even more plainly than others ;
and I often wonder to myself, when I hear fa-
thers extolling the eminent powers and abilities
of their children, husbands puffing off the talents
of their wives, wives speaking of the prodigious
merits of their husbands, and whole families

b4

8 GUItNEY MARRIED.

swearing to the excellence of everything said or
done by any individual member of them. Pro-
bably if the late Mrs. Cuthbert were alive, we
should hear her talking of the beautiful serenity
of her husband's mind — such a quiet gentlemanly
man — or quoting him, in comparison with some-
body else, as a superior creature. Now, I can
see, and can hear ; and it is not because of our
near connexion that I can shut my eyes to his
failings.

One day I had been over to the Rectory to
see Wells ; and on my return, I found Cuthbert,
as usual, extended at full length on a sofa by
the drawing-room fire, Harriet and Fanny
were working, and Mrs. Wells, who had come
over to see them, was sitting, playing company,
the family party having been increased by the
arrival of Lieutenant Merman, whose name I have
had occasion to mention before, and who, I really
think, is caught by the bright eyes of my sister-
in-law Fanny. Whether Wells is of the same
opinion I cannot say, nor can I rightly calculate
when the toddy-making season is likely to set in.

GURNEY MARRIED. 9

He is a very constant visitor at Ashmead, or, at
least, has been, since Fanny has been with us.

Contrary to my usual habit, for I contrive to
make myself occupation of various sorts during
the morning, I joined the little circle.

" Well, Gilbert," said my brother, stretching
his limbs to their fullest extent, as if to wake
himself, " have you been out ? "

" Yes, to the parsonage," said I.

" Ah ! " replied Cuthbert, " very cold, isn't
it ? Harriet, dear, just ring the bell — thanks— -we
have been very comfortable."

" I thought," said I, " you proposed a walk
yourself."

"Yes," said Cuthbert, "I did— I had my
great coat put on and my shawl wrapper — and
meant to call on Mrs. Nubley — but I met him —
and I asked him if Mrs. Nubley was at home,
and he said no; so I — I came back again —
Ah!"

Here a servant entered the room, responsive
to the bell.

b 5

10 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Oh ! " said Cuthbert, " tell Hutton to bring
me a pocket-handkerchief.'' The man retired.
" So I came back again — because I knew it must
be dull for the ladies to be left alone — and here,
thanks to them, I am quite at my ease, and hav-
ing nothing on earth to do, I cannot do better
than show my gratitude to them. Fanny, dear,
give me that eau de Cologne — Ah ! "

" I am sure, Mr. Gurney," said Mrs. Wells,
" the girls ought to be greatly obliged to you."

" I think they are," said Cuthbert. " A man
who has been abroad so long as I have has always
something to communicate which is interesting.
Oh — Hutton — get me my seal-ring. Harriet,
love, I will beg you to seal that letter, which I
got Nubley to write for me, about those air
cushions. Capital invention that, Mrs. Wells."

" Very good, indeed," replied the lady.

" Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " but what was I say-
ing when Gilbert came in ? Oh ! — I wish some-
body would recollect for me — it was "

" About the horses running away with the

GURNEY MARRIED. I 1

post-chaise," said Lieutenant Merman, who had
not heard the story fifty times before, which the
rest of the present company had.

" Ah !" said Cuthbert — " so it was — it is one of
the earliest events of my life that I can remember
— you weren't born or thought of, Gilbert, then.
I forget if I ever told you "

" What," said I, "on Shooter's Hill?"

" Yes," replied Cuthbert, " that place beyond
Blackheath, where there's the model of Severn-
droog — I never shall forget it — my poor father
was with me. Something by the road-side
frightened the off-horse, and away we went —
down the hill at full speed — set the other horse
off with him, and we thought — hey dear — thought
we should be dashed to pieces."

" And how did you escape, Sir ?" said the
lieutenant.

" Oh ! " replied Cuthbert, " when they got to
the bottom of the hill the horses stopped of them-
selves— Ah ! "

I perceived that Cuthbert — having sent for his
handkerchief, bathed his temples with the can de

B 6

12 GURNEY MARRIED.

Cologne, and begged me to stir the fire, and place
the sofa cushions conveniently for his repose —
was a fixture for the rest of the day ; and as the
story I did wait to hear was only the first of a
series which he was in the habit of telling as re-
gularly as the " Friar of Orders Grey" told his
beads, I left the assembly, not without receiving
a look from Harriet, too distinctly expressive of
her feelings to be misunderstood.

I have merely noted these few trifling facts,
because I very much fear that the total want of
sympathy, which unfortunately exists between
Cuthbert and all those with whom he must con-
stantly associate while staying here, will some
day exhibit itself in a positive and unequivocal
manner. What is to happen when the three Fal-
wassers come from school, I do not even venture to
premise. They have never had the advantage of
maternal care ; and, from the extremely unde-
fined character of Cuthbert's conversation and
remarks touching them, I have not been able to
form any just estimate of their character or qua-
lities. Somehow I begin to think the scheme of

GURNEY MARRIED. 13

admitting any relation, however near, as a con-
stant resident in the establishment of a married
couple, is at best but hazardous. Yet in my case
it has been inevitable ; but for Cuthbert I should
not have had the house in which he desires to be
an inmate. Besides, he wants cherishing; a man
at his time of life, returned to a country the man-
ners and habits of which are totally different
from those of the distant empire in which he has
passed the prime of his life, would be lost if left
to himself. Friends he has few, relations none,
except myself; and if ever a momentary doubt
of the entire success of our menage at Ashmead
does cross my mind, it is speedily dismissed by
the recollection of how much I owe him, and how
essential my attention to his wishes is to his com-
fort.

There were many points in Cuthbert's history
upon which I should very much have liked to be
enlightened; but my hopes and expectations
were vain. All the important features of his past
life seemed either to be studiously concealed from
my sight, or to have escaped his own recollec-

14 GURNEY MARRIED.

tion. His random records consisted of nothing
but frivolous anecdotes which appeared to float
to and fro upon the surface of his mind, while
the serious facts had sunk altogether " out of
soundings."

I admit that I began to find Wells and his
wife, and two or three other friends, getting
fidgetty, and evincing much of dislike to be so
overlaid — if I may use the expression — with
poor Cuthbert, — who having, fortunately for him-
self, evinced a passion for chess, discovered that
Mr. Sniggs, the apothecary, could place the
pieces for him, and make the ordinary moves
against him, suggested to the said Sniggs that he
should be delighted to see him whenever his pro-
fessional occupations permitted, and that there
was always luncheon at half-past one, and so on.

This was quite right. — Why should not Cuth-
bert like chess? — Why should not he ask
Sniggs? NO reason why — except that Mrs.
Wells always thought that the flower of her flock,
Adelgitha, lost her life through want of skill on
tin; part of this very Sniggs: and they were

12

GURNEY MARRIED. 15

consequently the bitterest foes — Cuthbert and
Sniggs the dearest friends. Sniggs not only-
played chess with him, and put the men all ready
before they began, but having prescribed a sort of
mawkish drink — a kind of sickly negus, powdered
with " Mareschalle" nutmeg — compounded it for
his friend, patient, and antagonist, and adminis-
tered it secundum artem.

Sniggs literally did that, which many men,
and even their observations, are said to do — he
" smelt of the shop ;" and when the atmosphere
was heavy and the " scent lay," his entrance into
the drawing-room, where Cuthbert, for the sake
of making himself amiable, would sit, was the
signal for the departure and dispersion of the
little family coterie, — who were up like a covey
of partridges on his arrival ; alleging as a reason,
that they were quite sure they should disturb
the chess-players if they staid.

Sniggs was a character — in his way ; he knew
every thing that was going on in the neighbour-
hood. The proverb, as Ray has it, says,

" Children pick up words, as pigeons peas,
And utter them again as God shall please."

16 GURNEY MARRIED.

Sniggs collected indefatigably, but most disin-
terestedly retained nothing. What he picked
up in one house he let fall in the next ; and so
served as a regular gazette for the whole com-
munity. This was a great resource for poor
Cuthbert, who, to keep up the simile of the
pigeons, was as happy as any squeaker in the
world to be crammed after Sniggs's fashion,
however coarsely the aliment was supplied.

" Set the men, Sniggs," said Cuthbert, when
the coast was quite clear — " any news?"

" You play with the red," said Sniggs, arrang-
ing the pieces accordingly — " no, Sir, not much
news. Miss Wobberly, the pretty girl with the
flaxen hair, Sir — sits opposite to you at church —
hear she is going to be married — sugar-baker
in London — called there just now — stomach out
of order — touch of dyspepsia — too many minced
pies — quantity of bile in a minced pie, Sir — all
meat, dirt, fat, plums, lemon-peel, and puff-paste.
She'll be well by Tuesday — the mother a charm-
ing woman — asked me to dine Thursday — a
little touch of erysipelas, not worth mentioning
— pleasant creature. Wobberly a vulgar man —

GURNEY MARRIED. 17

always ailing — can't get gout to show itself —
gentlemanly disease the gout — gout and short
sight are not destined for the vulgar — once saw
a hackney-coachman with spectacles — wrote a

paper upon it in a first-rate periodical you

begin, Sir."

" I move my king's pawn," said Cuthbert :
" it saves trouble to take the usual course."

" Exactly so, Sir," said Sniggs : " that's what
Major Frowsty says — an excellent patient of
mine, who has a sort of hydrophobia — "

"Indeed— ah," said Cuthbert — " mad.— I'll
push him on, another square."

" No," said Sniggs ; " not mad : you don't see
my fun. Hydrophobia — does not like bathing.
I order a bath, — he says it is cold; — order it hot,
— says he don't like it : — can't get him to wash ;
— nothing so good, Sir; — excellent gentleman
the Major; — did you know him abroad?"

" No," said Cuthbert ; "just move that knight
for me, while I blow my nose. Where has he
been?"

18 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Somewhere in your district," said Sniggs :
" at Tunis, I think."

" I never was at Tunis," said Cuthbert.

" I think, between you and me; Sir," said
Sniggs, " it would have been as well if he had
never been there : he won't take medicine, do all
I can ; and if I say he is really ill, he talks about
a physician. I believe, between you and me,
Sir, that he ran away with the daughter of a
Bey, or something of that sort, and nearly had
his head cut off. But that's nothing to the affair
of the Hackingtons, who live at the white house
at the end of the lane — la bless you ! — their
second daughter, — of course this is entre nous, —
is over head and ears in love with the ostler at
the Cock and Bottle. Your move, Sir. And
the way I found that out was, that Mrs. Widdles,
at the corner — the library — told me that Jim
Walker, the ostler in question, had been into her
shop to buy a sheet of paper to write home to
his mother, and got her to do the letter, in which
the whole facts were stated. I have just sent

GURNEY MARRIED. 19

Miss Hackington a pill and a draught; but as
the poet says, I cannot

" Minister to a mind diseased."

So I made them quite innocent, dry bread and
a little honey rolled up in the palm of my hand
— eh, — eh, Sir ? — Of course this goes no farther.
Check to your king."

" I like to hear the news," said Cuthbert,
" although I don't know the people."

" Lord bless you, Sir," said Sniggs, " 1 never
let out these sort of things, except to you. Now
of course I know all about Lieut. Merman's
tendre for Miss Fanny; but, then, as I say,
that is totally a different story; here we are —
titled — a family of consequence and respectabi-
lity ; mute as a mackerel, — not a syllable passes
my lips. Delightful family the Wells's, Sir ; —
so clever Mr. Wells, — what a preacher ! — makes
me weep like a watering-pot when he gives us
a charity sermon, although I always get myselt
called out to a patient before the collection, to
save stumpy; — don't you think he is a powerful
man, Sir?"

" Your queen is in check," said Cuthbert.

20 GURNEY MARRIED.

" A thousand pardons," said Sniggs. " What's
your notion as to tithes, Sir ? — quite legal, con-
stitutional, and all that ; but don't you think, —
just before I take the queen out of check, — don't
you think something might be done in regard to
that question ? The law by which tithe is secured
to the clergy, Sir, is just as good and as valid as
that by which the first duke in the land holds his
estates — eh, don't you see, Sir? But I think
still something might be done to get rid, you
see, Sir, of the objectionable part of the question.
That's what I say to Mr. Wells. Mrs. Wells, I
believe, is not so great a friend of mine ; never
goes beyond powders. Rheubarb, and magnesia,
or jalap and cream-o'-tartar, are the extremes, and
those only for the housemaids. Still I have a
high regard for them all. I think the tithe
system operates unequally, Sir. I take your
rook ; — you didn't see that, Sir. All clergymen
are not alike. I recollect reading, Sir, that Dr.
Prideaux, — I don't know if you know much of
him, — said that some men enter upon their cures
with as little knowledge of divinity as the meanest
of their congregation — eh ! — heard the story of

GURNEY MARRIED. 21

human felicity, — something inside of a pig, —
forgive me, — but it is an apt illustration of the
stupidity of a congregation."

" Very stupid," said Cuthbert; " do me the
favour to push my rook over to the side of your
queen ; there, where it is guarded by that pawn.
Yes, I think you are quite right."

" And then, as 1 say, Sir," continued Sniggs,
" the spirit — the public spirit of Mrs. Wells —
that fancy ball and bazaar for the charity-schools
— what a sight — dear young creatures exposing
themselves in every way at the stalls, and selling
things for fifteen shillings which they bought for
five — passing them off, of course, for their own.
Why now there's that Mrs. Fletcher, — I declare
that woman ought no more to have gone out
Tuesday week — Oh! Sir, such a state she is in
— such a complication of disorders — of course
this is entre nous — what I call death in the pot —
never mind — people must die when their time
comes. I have put her through a regular course
of steel — done all I could. Don't you recollect,
Sir, the story of the sick man at the watering-

22 GURNEY MARRIED.

place, who was sent down to tone himself up —
went to a boarding-house — ignorant creature —
that sort of thing — took all sorts of bitters to
strengthen himself and bring him round, under
the advice of one of those refined physicians who
pick up guineas from ninnies, as I should say;
and having dined and supped with his fellow-
boarders, retired, as they did, to rest. In the
middle of the night, the whole house was alarmed
by noises much resembling those of a rabid dog,
attended with a stamping of feet along the differ-
ent passages of the house. This continued some
time, but about two o'clock in the morning it
subsided, and, as they say in the account of a
naval action, ' the boarders had it all to them-
selves.'

" In the morning, complaints having been
made to the matron, or whatever the female
figure-head of such establishments is called, as
to the row, she remonstrated with the patient,
and begged to know why he disturbed the in-
mates of her else peaceable house? ' Why,
Mam,' said he, ' I am ordered to do it by my

GURNEY MARRIED. 23

physicians, for the good of my health : which is
the thing for which I am come here' — mark the
English, Sir. ' So,' says she, ' make a noise for
the benefit of your health?' ' Yes,' says lie, 'in
conjunction with the wine which I drank at
dinner.' ' How is that ?' said the lady, who
doubted whether her guest was more knave or
fool. * Yes,' said he, ' my doctor ordered me to
come down here to take port wine at dinner every
day, and bark every night ; and so I will, let the
consequences be what they may.' Don't you

see, Sir? — eh? — bark, — to bark at night

there was the mistake — your king's in check."

" That's a very good story," said Cuthbert ;
" not but that bark is a very good thing to
strengthen people — as for port wine, I can't
touch it — drinking it is to me like having a pep-
pered birch-broom poked down my throat."

" Never tried, Highness," said Sniggs, " as
the King of Prussia said to the soldier — ever
heard that, Sir ? The King of Prussia fond of
music — hundred thousand men to sing one song
— recollect — check he once took a fancy to

24 GURNEY MARRIED.

a brave grenadier — story of the bullet for the
watch — that you havo heard — never mind, n'im-
pqrte. The King of Prussia says to the grena-
dier, ' Can you play the fiddle ?' What d'ye
think he answered, Sir ? ' Can't guess.' « Never

tried, Highness' — new story that — ah, Sir !

clear me, you have taken my knight."

" Just take it off the board for me, will you ?"
said Cuthbert, wholly unable from habit to lift
a piece of ivory so ponderous.

" Talking of knights," said Cuthbert, and
looking at his knight's horse's head, " did I ever
tell you the story of my being run away with
down Shooter's Hill, when 1 was quite a boy ?"
" Shooter's Hill !" said Sniggs, with extremely
well-acted curiosity ; " no, I think not, Sir."

" Well, it was very remarkable," said Cuth-
bert. " My poor father and I were going in
a post-chaise just by the place where there is
now a sort of castle in imitation of Severndroog,
and something by the roadside frightened the
off-horse, and away he went: this frightened the
other, and they went down the hill at a tre-

GURNEY MARRIED. 25

mendous rate, and everybody thought we should
be dashed to atoms, and — you never — ah ! — saw
such a sight in your life — ah ! "

" Well, Sir," said Sniggs (who, like everybody
else who had been at Ashmead, had heard Cuth-
bert's pet story over and over again), "and what
happened ?"

" Why, — ah ! " said Cuthbert, nearly exhausted
by the exertion of relating the adventure;
" luckily, when they got to the bottom of the
hill the horses stopped of themselves."

"Very lucky, indeed," said Sniggs; "disap-
pointed the surgeon there, Sir check to your

king."

"Ah ! that's a serious check," said Cuthbert ; " I
must think about that. Will you just ring the bell.
Doctor — I must send for my snuff. Ah ! and now
you are up, do me the kindness just to stir the
fire."

" Check to my king," continued Cuthbert ;
" umph — so, so — Hutton, my snuff-box — see
what o'clock it is — ah ! "

" It is past four, Sir," said Sniggs, looking at

vol. i. c

26 GURNEY MARRIED.

his watch. " We shall scarcely have light enough
to finish the game.''

" Ah ! " said Cuthbert, " I am afraid we shall
— I don't see how to get my king out of this
scrape ;" and hereupon the player fell into one
of those lengthened reveries which are the cha-
racteristics of this noble and scientific diversion.

Hutton brought the snuff-box — he stood un-
heeded; at length Cuthbert, raising his eyes from
the board with all the gravity of the automaton,
looked vacantly at him for half a minute, until
Hutton felt it necessary to recall his master to a
sense of his situation, and said, " The snuff-box,
Sir."

" Oh ! " sighed Cuthbert, " open it for me,
Hutton — this is a puzzler — ah ! " saying which
he, with apparent difficulty, carried the pinch he
had taken from the box to its destination.

Franklin says, that by playing at chess we
learn : —

"First. Foresight, which looks a little into fu-
turity— considers the consequences that may at-
tend an action ; for it is continually occurring to

GURNEY MARRIED. 27

the player, ' If I move this piece, what will be
the advantage of my new situation ? What use
can my adversary make of it to annoy me ? What
other moves can I make to support it, and to de-
fend myself from his attacks?'

" Secondly. Circumspection, which surveys
the whole board or scene of action — the relations
of the several pieces and situations — the dangers
they are perpetually exposed to — the several
possibilities of their aiding each other — the pro-
babilities that the adversary may take this or that
move, and attack this or the other piece; and
what different means can be used to avoid the
stroke, or turn its consequences against him.

" Thirdly. Caution — not to make our moves
too hastily ; this habit is best acquired by observ-
ing strictly the laws of the game, such as, If
you touch a piece you must move it somewhere ;
if you set it down you must let it stand,' and it
is therefore best that these rules should be ob-
served ; as the game thereby becomes more the
image of human life, and particularly of war ;
and which, if you have incautiously put your-

c2

28 GURNEY MARRIED.

self into a bad and dangerous position, you
cannot obtain your enemy's leave to withdraw
your troops and place them more securely, but
must abide all the consequences of your rash-
ness.

" And, lastly, we learn by chess the habit of
not being discouraged by present bad appear-
ances in the state of our affairs: the habit of
hoping for a favourable change, and that of per*
severing in the search of resources."

As Sniggs watched the entire abstraction of
Cuthbert from everything in the world except
his jeopardized monarch, he could not avoid
thinking of Franklin's description of the advan-
tages derivable from the game; but having waited
and watched, until it appeared to him that his
amiable adversary had either dropped into a
slumber, or, at least, a wakeful unconsciousness,
burst upon him, by asking if he ever heard what
Dr. Franklin said to Mr. Hancock, on the occa-
sion of signing the treaty of American Inde-
pendence,— " We must be unanimous in this
business," said Hancock; "we must all hang

GURNEY MARRIED. 29

together." " Indeed we must," said Franklin,
" or else we shall all hang separately."

" No, never," said Cuthbert, "never; they
vvern't hanged, were they? Upon my word, Doc-
tor, I cannot take the trouble to get this king out
of difficulty. Tell me what had I best do ? "

" Oh, do you take counsel from your enemy,

Sir," said Sniggs ; " I should say "

— what we are not destined to know ; for, at the
moment in which the new adviser was taking a
searching look at the state of affairs, Cuthbert,
overcome by the difficulty to which he had been
subjecting himself, gave a tremendous yawn, ac-
companied by an attempted change of position
upon his sofa cushions, in performing which
evolution, his right leg came in contact with
Mrs. Gilbert's delicate table, on which they were
playing, which was instantly upset. Down went
the board, the men, the eau de Cologne, and the
snuff-box ; knights and pawns were promiscu-
ously scattered on the carpet, and Cuthbert,
elevating himself, and leaning on his arm, gazed

c3

30 GURNEY MARRIED.

calmly on the scene of destruction, while Sniggs
sat bolt upright in his chair, his eyes widely
opened, his brows elevated, and his mouth con-
tracted into the first position for whistling, look-
ing at the vacant space before him, as spectators
gaze on the slip whence a huge ship has just slid
into that which modern writers call her "native
element," (in which she never had been before,)
or the crowd into an enclosure after the ascent
of a balloon from the middle of it.

"Sic transit gloria mundi!" said Sniggs.

" To-day is Tuesday," said Cuthbert ; " ring
the bell, Doctor, let us have in some of the peo-
ple to pick up these men and things — the snuff
is spilt, so is the eau de Cologne; and Mrs.
Gilbert is so very particular about her carpet.
Ah ! what shall we do ?"

"This, Sir," said Sniggs, "is what you call
turning the tables upon me."

" It did not fall on you, did it, Doctor?" said
the unsuspecting Cuthbert.

No; no harm's done," said Sniggs, who

u

GURNEY MAURIED. 31

forthwith restored the piece of furniture to its
proper place, and began picking up the scattered
forces of the contending armies.

" Don't fatigue yourself," said Cuthbert :
" you'll tire yourself to death, stooping about.
Ah ! dear me ; what a flurry this accident has
put me in."

Hutton made his appearance, and speedily
restored order ; however it was getting too dark
to begin a fresh game. The casualties con-
sisted of the fracture of one or two pieces, two
squares cracked in the inlaid board, the snuff
lost, and the eau de Cologne bottle severely
wounded; and as it was getting late, Sniggs
proceeded to gather up his hat and cloak, for the
purpose of retiring.

" Hadn't you better dine here," said Cuth-
bert, " and let us renew our game in the evening
—eh, do."

" You are very kind," said Sniggs, " I shall
have great pleasure; but I must just step to the
surgery, to make up some few things for my
patients; I will return at six."

C 4

3*2 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Come back as soon as you can," said Cuth-
bert, " I'll get Hutton to wheel me to my room,
and dress me directly, so that I shall be here
waiting for you."

" I'll be with you as soon as possible," said
Sniggs, who took his departure and hurried
home, in order to tell Mrs. Sniggs, that she
needn't have the fowl and bacon cooked, which
had been ordered as an addition to the cold
mutton, but make her dinner upon that, and
keep the fowl and the bacon for the next day,
when he did not " dine out."

" Well," said I, entering the room, as soon as
I saw Sniggs departing across the lawn ; " you
have had a long spell with the doctor."

".Yes," said Cuthbert, "such a misfortune!
— upset the table — broke the bottle — played the
very deuce !"

" What, in a fit of enthusiasm ?" said I.

"No," said Cuthbert; "ah! dear no — in
moving my leg."

" Well," said I, " that matters little. I am
not sorry that Sniggs has moved his legs."

GURNEY MARRIED. '}•'}

" You don't like Sniggs, Gilbert," said my
brother.

" Indeed I do," replied I; "but toujours per-
drix is too much of a good thing."

" But he is not a partridge, Gilbert," said my
brother.

" No," said I, " nor a goose ; but the very
qualities for which you like his society, are those
which make me less glad to see him than I
otherwise should be. You like to hear all the
gossip of the place, which he unquestionably
gives you with point and precision: but whenever
I hear his anecdotes of patients, and his details
of their disorders, I always recollect that as he
is universally agreeable, we, in our turns, with
all our little foibles and failings, mentaj and
bodily, become equally subjects of amusement for
everybody else in the neighbourhood."

" Ah, well," said Cuthbert, " there is some-
thing in that to be sure that never struck me
before ; but what have we about us that can be
laughed at ?"

"Oh, my dear brother," said I, " lay not that

c5

:34 GURNEY MARRIED.

flattering unction to your soul; rely upon it we
are just as good subjects for satire and caricature
as our neighbours."

" Well, I don't see that," said my brother—
"will you just ring the bell for Hutton? my
shoe has got untied, and 1 want him to tie it
for me. I am not conscious of saying or doing
anything to be laughed at for."

I did as I was desired; for although the
readiest way of saving my indolent brother the
trouble of tying his own shoe would have been
tying it for him myself, I knew enough of him
to be aware that however importunate and con-
tinuous his demands upon the attentions of his
servant might be, he would not permit me to
inconvenience, or, as he would have thought it,
fatigue myself by doing so.

Hutton came — tied the shoe — lifted the foot
upon which it was worn, into its proper place on
the sofa — and retired.

" I am sorry now, that I asked Sniggs to come
back and dine," said Cuthbert.

So was I — not so much because, although

12

GURNEY MARRIED. 35

Sniggs was really an agreeable and entertaining
companion, he was coming to break in upon
what had become to me the delightful homeish-
ness of a really family party, or because Cuth-
bert's giving invitations without communicating
with me, or even going through the ceremony
of asking my concurrence, however certain it
was never to have been withheld, perpetually re-
minded me more forcibly than was quite agree-
able, of the real position in which 1 stood with
regard to him. I knew that the odd things
which he occasionally did in this way resulted
from no feeling but an apathetic indolence of
mind, which induced him to make just as much
exertion as might secure for himself a certain
quantum of amusement. Poor fellow, he had
no wife to comfort or console him, and I often
thought that the very sight of our domestic
happiness, might perhaps unconsciously some-
how worry and vex him. From what I had
gathered of his lost lady, she certainly did not,
in any one point of person or character, re-
semble my dear Harriet; but still there was the

C G

36 GURNEY MARRIED.

contrast continually before his eyes. I therefore
made every allowance for his wish to break in
upon our serenity, which he could not himself
enjoy, by the introduction of what were to him
enlivening visitors.

The Nubleys were almost always at dinner
with us, or, if not, " came in the evening," and,
to be sure, they were generally counteracted by
the Wells's ; and this system of intervention and
counteraction had the effect of amusing Cuth-
bert, although, as I admit, at the expense of my
own comfort.

Then there was another torment. Where
was the absolute necessity of having Lieutenant
Merman so constantly with us? Mrs. W^ells
had discovered that he had an extremely rich
aunt ; and now that Harriet was married — for
well do I recollect being threatened with this
very Lieutenant before she was — he appeared
what mothers call an eligible match for Fanny.
Him my wife undertook to invite ; and if it were
an eligible match for Fanny, and if she liked the
man, and the man liked her, it was all very reason-

GURNEY MARRIED. 37

able and natural that Harriet should wish to en-
courage it, especially as her father never made any-
secret of his strong prepossession in favour of the
anti-Malthusian system of early marriages. But
still it was a great nuisance to me: though I could
not say so, because I knew the moment I raised
an objection, Harriet would have sent Fanny
away, and then, she would have been uncom-
fortable without her.

I remember travelling once in a stage-coach
which runs from London — no matter whither, —
with two remarkably nice young ladies: — the
one in all the sparkling bloom of beauty; a sweet
freshness glowed on her rosy cheeks, and love
and laughter beamed in her radiant eyes; the
other was pale and attenuated, her eyes were
languid and downcast, and her weakness such,
that she was literally lifted into the coach and
laid, as it were, upon the seat opposite to that
which her lively sister shared with me. She
seemed to be kept alive only by cordial medi-
cines, which were administered to her whenever
we stopped to change horses. At the town where

*7 7il

38 GURNEY MARRIED.

the rest of the passengers dined I got her some
Eau de Cologne, and her sister bathed her tem-
ples, and the sick girl looked grateful, and even
wept ; the pretty sister looked grateful, too, and
I became extremely anxious to know more of
their history.

At one period, as the day advanced, and the
termination of our journey approached, the in-
valid sank into a slumber, of which I took advan-
tage to enquire the nature of her complaint.

" Her case," said my fair companion, " is
hopeless. She is returning to her native air,
but it is rather to gratify a dying wish, than with
any probability of success."

" What," said I, in a half-whisper, lest I
should disturb the sleeper, " what is she suffer-
ing from ?"

" The physicians," replied my companion,
" say that her heart is affected." *

"Ah!" said I, "aneurism?"

"No, Sir," said my fair friend, shaking her
head, " a lieutenant."

I confess this non-medical description of tin-

GURNEY MARRIED. 39

young lady's disease, (partaking largely, to be
sure, of " scarlutina") startled me not a little.
However, I looked at her with different eyes
afterwards, and endeavoured to convince her
sister of the deep interest which I took in both
of them. At a particular point of the journey I
left them, and shook hands with them, not with-
out wishing1 to hear more of them at some future
time.

It so happened that I did hear more of them ;
and, although anybody who hereafter reads my
notes may not care to hear it, it is satisfactory
to myself to know that the poor invalid re-
covered, and by the next year was perfectly
restored to health. Whether she arrived at this
happy conclusion by putting herself under a
regimen or into a regiment, I did not ascertain.
As far as the simple fact goes, there it is.

My sisrer-in-law Fanny did not appear to me
at all a likely subject for a similar complaint —
her present turn was to laugh at her lover.
Every woman has her own tactics in the great
business of female life ; and Fanny sought to

40 GURNEY MARRIED.

win by smiles — at least if winning were her
object; — and I must say I never saw any man
more resolved upon her eventually becoming
Mrs. Merman than her reverend father, who
was assiduously re-enacting the drama in which
I and Harriet had unconsciously performed some
months before.

These words bring me to a subject upon which
I shall touch but lightly, because I may be dis-
appointed; but as things look at present, it
seems most probable that I shall attain to the
dignity of a father " before four moons have
filled their horns." A thousand new ties will then
bind me to the world — a thousand new duties de-
volve upon me. Well ! I have thus early in life,
seen enough of the world to qualify me for a
guardian and guide. To be sure, if I should have a
son, he will not require much of my "guiding" for
some years to come, and then I may look more
sternly at the world's "follies," and become a
severe parent, as the young beau generally be-
comes an old sloven ; but I think I shall be able
to make my son, my friend, — a course of educa-

GURNEY MARRIED. 41

tion most favourable to a boy who is born while
his father is yet young.

There are, however, men — and I could point
out a very remarkable instance — who cannot
bring themselves to such a line of proceeding —
who see in their sons, rivals for " golden opi-
nions," and opponents in the race of life — who
hear with no pleasure the shrewd remark, the
pointed phrase, or witty observation of the
youthful aspirant for fame and honour; but
who, feeling as parents do towards their off-
spring, and would feel, if they lived to the age
of Methuselah, that they are still children, en-
deavour to check and subdue the ebullitions of
their genius, and keep them subject to them-
selves.

Towards daughters, the feelings of a father
are totally different — no rivalry is to be feared
there, consequently there is no jealousy. The
more lovely, the more accomplished, and the
more attractive a girl is, the more delighted is
the fond father with her attractions. In some
instances, mothers however are found somewhat

42 GURNEY MARRIED.

to partake of the feelings of fathers towards their
sons, with regard to the young ladies. Many a
poor creature has been embargoed into the nur-
sery or the governess's room for at least four
years after she ought to have been out, because
she unfortunately happened to be born when her
mamma was not more than seventeen, who at
three-and-thirty did not like to have a beautiful
repetition of herself at that age, constantly
associated with her, to induce comparison.

By Jove, Sniggs has arrived, and the second
bell is ringing — so away with my papers, and

" To dinner with what appetite wc may."

CHAPTER II.

Butler tells us that —

" All love, at first, like generous wine,
Ferments and frets until 'tis fine ;
But when 'tis settled on the lee,
And from th' impurer matter free,
Becomes the richer, still the older,
And proves the pleasanter the colder."

A humorous description of the effects of this
pleasant frigidity is given by the facetious, yet
almost now forgotten, George Alexander Stee-
vens, who says, " Courtship is a fine bowling-
green turf, all galloping round and sweetheart-
ing — a sunshine holiday in summer time; but
when once through the turnpike of matrimony,
the weather becomes wintry, and some husbands

44 GURNET MARRIED.

are seized with a cold fit, to which the faculty
give the name of Indifference. Courtship is
matrimony's running footman, but is too often
carried away by the two great preservatives of
matrimonial friendship — delicacy and gratitude.
There is also another very serious disorder with
which ladies are sometimes seized durino- the
honeymoon, and which the College of Phy-
sicians call Sullenness. This malady arises
from some incautious word which has been ad-
dressed to the patient, who is then leaning on her
elbow on the breakfast-table, her cheek resting
upon the palm of her hand, her eyes fixed
earnestly upon the fire, and her feet beating
tat-too time. The husband, meanwhile, is biting
his lips, pulling down his ruffles, stamping about
the room, and looking at his lady like Old Nick.
At last he abruptly says, < Well, Ma'am, what's
the matter with you ?' The lady mildly replies,
• Nothing.' ' What is it you do mean ?' « No-
thing.' * What would you have me do ?' ' No-
thing.' ' What have I done, Madam?' ' Oh,
nothing.' And this quarrel arose at breakfast :

GURNEY MARRIED. 43

the lady very innocently observed she thought
the tea was made with Thames water ; the hus-
band, in mere contradiction, insisted upon it that
the tea-kettle was filled out of the New River."

This, and the domestic felicity of Sir Charles
and Lady Racket, " three weeks after mar-
riage," brought to my recollection the scene I
had witnessed between Mr. and Mrs. Daly at
their lodgings in London, and made me congra-
tulate myself upon the escape I had made from
the superficial attractions of Miss Emma Haines.
Thence my thoughts glanced to the expatriated
husband and the separated wife in that case ;
and I began to wonder what had happened to my
once worshipped idol, and how she was "making
it out" with her mother and the major.

Nothing at all comparable with this was hap-
pening to me. Harriet was still all gentleness
and playfulness. Her wishes seemed to be
bounded by the desire of pleasing me ; and her
kindness transferred, on my account, not only to
my brother, but to the children of his late wife,
and even beyond those to others who had no tie

46 GURNEY MARRIED.

or claim whatever upon us, except as apparently
contributing to his comfort, was unqualified as it
was unaffected. This is charming; but still

Here are the three Falwassers — two misses
and one master. What then ? — they are en-
deared and attached — they scarcely know why —
to my brother Cuthbert, who is their father-in-
law. Kitty Falvvasser, a fine girl of fourteen or
fifteen, rubs his temples with Eau-de-Cologne.
" Jenny," as he calls her, fetches his snuff-box,
cuts the leaves of his books, puts the additional
lump of sugar in his tea when Harriet does not
make it sweet enough, and even goes the length
occasionally of drinking it for him. Tom Fal-
wasser is a pyrotechnist ; his whole holidays are
passed in making squibs and crackers; and he
comes in, after dinner, as his father-in-law de-
sires, smelling of gunpowder like a devil.

I remember, in some former notes of mine, I
explained the innocence of this same word, as
used colloquially to designate a certain wooden
implement, in the use and exercise of which I
greatly rejoiced before my union with Harry, —

GURNEY MARRIED. 47

I call her Harry now: how odd ! — and it is again
necessary to say, lest I might be considered pro-
fane, that when I state Tom to have smelt like
a "devil," I mean that he smelt like one of those
little, black, haycock-shaped mixtures of gun-
powder and water which that mischievous clog,
Daly, mixed with Lady Wolverhampton's pastilles,
upon the celebrated night when her ladyship's
lovely niece fell into the indescribable error
committed in other days by the dairy-maid of
Dr. Green, the Gloucester schoolmaster, under
the auspices of that reverend and much revered
gentleman, as recorded by the right worthy John
Taylor, the water poet.

" Gilbert," said Cuthbert to me, " these
children of Emily's — just give me my pocket-
handkerchief, Jenny. — Poor Emily Well, I
wish you had known her; it would have saved
me a world of trouble in explaining all her —
ah! — virtues and — ah! — merits. — They are
nice children, and I love them as if they were
my own. Besides, here they are — all ! — no
trouble to me "

48 GURNEY MARRIED.

I could not help thinking, mischievously
perhaps, of the " ready-made family" ware-
houses which one sees advertised about
town.

" And they have petitioned me to be

allowed to invite Mrs. Brandyball, their school-
mistress, or, as they call her, their governess,
to come here for the last week or fortnight of
their holidays, so that they may go back with
her to school."

" I'm sure," said I, " nothing can be more
agreeable than to do what you like. Harriet's
confinement is shortly expected; but that, of
course, will make no difference."

" She is a very nice woman, indeed," said
Cuthbert. " I did not take the trouble to talk
to her much ; but she seems very full of proper
feeling, and that sort of thing ; and is about as
good an European as I recollect to have seen
for a great many years."

A good European ! thought I to myself.
Well, I see what must happen ; Mrs. Brandy-
ball, whoever she is, must come. " Anything,

(1URNEY MARRIED. 49

my dear Cuthbert, you wish," said I, " of course
you will command."

" No, no," said Cuthbert, " I can't exert
myself to command : only I think it would
please the children, and their dear mother,
who — to be sure, she is gone; but then she is
at rest — that's a great thing; only I should like
to pay every respect to her memory, and to her
children. They think it would make them
better considered by the whole school, if she came
here, and saw how well they lived ; and besides,
it would save me the trouble of writing a letter,
or dictating to Hutton what I wished to sav to
her respecting my views of their future educa-
tion ; and you have another spare room."

What could I reply? All the rooms in the
house were spare rooms to him. So I said —
" My dear Cuthbert, not another word. Mrs.
Rrandyball will be most welcome to Ashmead :
as, indeed," I added, " is anybody upon earth
whom you wish to come here."

" I have not many friends in this country .

vol. i. n

50 GURNEY MARRIED.

said Cuthbert; " that is to say, I dare say I have
a good many people with whom I have been very
intimate in India, and to whom I am really very
much attached ; but I have no idea how to find
out where they are ; some, of course, are dead,

and — so Well, but I am very glad you have

no objection to Mrs. Brandyball's visit. Now,
the next thing we must do, is to get somebody
to write to her to invite her."

" I think if Kitty Falwasser were to write,"
said I, " it would perhaps be thought a civil way
of doing the thing."

" Yes," said Cuthbert ; " but then you know
she does not write without lines; and then we
should have to rule them, and when she had fin-
ished, to rub them out, — and besides, she does
not like writing, — she is too young for that yet.
My poor wife gave instructions to Mrs. Brandy-
ball, when the children were sent home, not to
force their intellect, — let it develop itself, — don't
fatigue their minds, poor things, — think what a
thing it would be to learn half a page of a French

GURNEY MARRIED. 51

vocabulary in a day, and take a lesson of danc-
ing afterwards ! it's enough to wear them to
skeletons !"

" I quite agree with you," said I, " that no-
thing is more absurd, not to call it barbarous,
than the forcing system to which you allude,
nor anything more lamentable than to see children
repeating by rote whole pages of history or poetry,
conceived in terms, which, to them, are inexplic-
able, and even delivered in a language which
they don't understand. Yet still I think Kitty
Falwasser might in her fourteenth or fifteenth
year contrive to write a letter to her governess,
inasmuch as she wrote you a remarkably nice
announcement of the approaching holidays."

" Oh, that," said Cuthbert, raising himself a
little upon one of his elbows, " took her thirteen
days' constant labour, — so she tells me — did it
over two-and-twenty times ; and at last got one
of the teachers to put in all the capital letters.
No, — Kitty has no turn for writing, — she colours
prints very nicely : she has painted all the kings'

i) 2

52 GURNEY MARRIED.

heads in her ' History of England,' — she lias a
genius that way, — her poor mother used to be
very clever in — what they call — I can't recollect,
— but it was cutting holes in cards, and painting
through them — something about tinting I think
— ]10 — if you don't like to write, I'll dictate a
note to Hutton, and then he can take it himself
to the post-office. I want to send my watch down
to Stephenson's shop, for somehow, I have lost
— or dropped — or mislaid my watch-key ; I dare
say it is somewhere under the sofa cushions :
however, he'd better go and get me another ;
and then Stephenson can set my watch by the
church clock. I only found out half an hour ago
that it has not been going since Tuesday, when I
set it last."

I could scarcely keep silence during this beau-
tiful illustration of my helpless brother's cha-
racter, which developed itself in every action of
hi- life, if action the evitation of all movement
in which he delighted could be called. However,
I wanted to hear the conclusion of his labour-

GURNEY MARRIED. 53

saving- scheme, before I suggested to him that
my wife would probably be the properest person
to give the invitation.

" Oh ! certainly," said Cuthbert ; " but that
will give her a great deal of trouble : and then
so near her confinement, — somebody had better
write it in her name."

" No, my dear brother," said I, " Harriet is
quite strong enough to write a letter ; she likes
employment both mental and bodily, — she'll be
delighted."

" So shall I," said my brother ; " but it is
quite wonderful to see her ; and to think, — Oh
dear, dear, what a heap of trials women have to
undergo ! Yes ; then that, I think, will be the
best way, — it will look civil, and attentive, and
kind. I wonder I had not thought of that at
first."

" I suppose," said I, " it had better be done
immediately ?"

" Yes, certainly," replied Cuthbert; " Kitty
was very anxious about it this morning, because

d 3

54 GURNEY MARRIKD.

I think she told me the lady was gone somewhere
— where, I don't remember — to stay for a fort-
night,— from whence she could take this on her
way home. I'm sure you'll like her — she is so
lady-like in her manners, and so gentle, and talks
so well, and so very much attached to the chil-
dren."

" That her presence will be agreeable to you,"
said I, " is, as I have already said, sufficient of
itself to render her a welcome visiter here."

" There's another thing the girls told me to ask
you," said Cuthbert ; " your youngest sister-
in-law has been talking to them about — oh
dear, my head — about some very clever danc-
ing-master who lives here ; and they were saying,
if you had no objection, they should like to take
lessons three or four times a-week for an hour or
two, — it would put them forward, — how they
can take this trouble I don't understand ; but
they are young and light, to be sure, — and so,
— I said I would ask you. The drawing-room
isn't used in the mornings, and perhaps — "

GURNEY MARRIED. 55

" Oh, certainly," said I ; " they will not in
the least interfere with us — only, perhaps, when
Harriet is confined, we may — "

" Oh, that's another matter," said Cuthbert :
" Kitty has got all the particulars of the man's
terms ; and I had the paper yesterday, but I'm
sure I haven't any idea where it is now. Do just
ring the bell, Gilbert ; I'll get Hutton to look
for it, and then he can take a message about it."
I rang the bell, and Hutton appeared.
" Have you seen," said Cuthbert to the ser-
vant, " a paper about the terms of a dancing-
master that Miss Falwasser gave me yester-
day?"

" Yes, Sir," said Hutton, " Mr. Kittington ;
I have been there, Sir, — to his house. Miss
Falwasser told me to desire him to call upon you
to-day : he said he would be here at three. I
thought, Sir, Miss had told you so herself, or I
should have mentioned it."

" Oh, that's all very convenient," said Cuth-
bert; " I'll see him when he comes. Where ar>
the young ladies ?"

d 4

o6 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Out in the laundry, I believe, Sir," said
Hutton, " acting a play ; Master Tom has got
some fireworks there, and they are all dressed up ;
and Miss Fanny Wells, and her sister, and Mr.
Merman are there."

"Dear me," said Cuthbert; "what a pity
they don't come and act here ; it would amuse
us excessively ; it is quite out of the question
going all the way across the court-yard. What
droll things, — eh?"

This all sounded mighty playful and extremely
pretty ; but the circumstances, the free and easy
manner of Miss Kitty Falwasser considered, are
not altogether satisfactory to me, I confess. It
was clear that the two girls entirely managed their
indolent father-in-law; and that the elder one,
fully conscious of her power over him, had,
having merely expressed a wish, and asked per-
mission to take lessons in dancing, reckoned
his compliance so much as a matter of course, as
not to think it necessary to wait even till she had
obtained it, before she sent for the Terpsichorean
professor. As to my opinion or objection upon

GURNEY MARRIED. 57

the subject, it was clear that none of the family
considered them of the slightest importance.

I certainly had the curiosity to visit the
" theatre," where I found Miss Falwasser with
her face blackened, dressed up in a shawl and
turban, having squeezed herself into a pair of
her brother Tom's trowsers, personating Othello,
while Jenny was exhibiting herself as Desde-
mona, — Tom's only bargain being, that he was
to fire the salute from the batteries at Cyprus,
which were ingeniously represented by one of
the coppers in the laundry, which was fitted up
with battlements, and cannon round its edge,
while the active contriver was concealed within,
from which ambush he cunningly managed to
raise his hand unseen to the touchhole of his
small artillery, the first one of which that was
fired recoiled with considerable force, and
severely wounded the skilful gunner just be-
tween his eyes.

Tom bellowed, the girls screamed, and the
only thing to be done was to send for Suiggs.
Fanny Wells was dreadfully agitated, and was

d 5

58 GURNEY MARRIED.

led to her room by the attentive and assiduous
Lieutenant, her sister Bessy following her, but
with a far different expression of countenance.
All this was unpleasant : but what could I do i
It was clear to me that the elder of the young
ladies was blessed with what is called a spirit —
a lively imagination, and not the most profound
veneration for rigid truth. Her ideas were
rather of the romantic, and although her igno-
rance of the essentials of education were to my
eyes and ears apparent, nature had compensated
to her for any deficiency of taste or erudition,
by giving her a disposition to inquisitiveness
upon all matters except those which were likely
to be advantageous either to her manners or her
morals.

Unfortunately for Kitty she was handsome,
and every body was foolish enough to tell her
so; which, so long as fortune afforded her a maid
and a mirror, was evidently a work of superero-
gation. Her sister Jane was her slave, and with
a totally different character, temperament, and
disposition, compelled to join in pursuits for

GURNEY MARRIED. 59

which she had naturally no inclination, because
she literally dared not disobey her senior.

Sniggs arrived in less than half an hour to
examine Tom's wounds, and a few minutes after
came Kittington, the dancing-master, to receive
Cuthbert's commands about the lessons. Harriet,
who certainly was not so much affected by the
bump on Tom's nose as I apprehended she
might have been, sat down to write Mrs. Brandy-
ball a letter of invitation ; and while Tom was
bellowing like a calf up and down stairs, Fanny
Wells sobbing most interestingly, and Jane and
Bessy talking over the explosion as something
terrific, I was assailed at once in the drawing-
room, where Cuthbert was deposited, by the
medical opinions of the apothecary, the discussion
of terms with the dancing-master, and the hypo-
critical sentimentalism of Lieutenant Merman,
whom I admit I cordially detested.

" The accident," said Sniggs, " is providen-
tially unimportant: an inch one way or the
other might have made it serious — right eye —
left eye — one or the other might have gone —

n 6

60 GURNEY MARRIED.

but in the middle, between the two eyes, is what
I call ' In medio tutissimus Eye bis' — not bad that,
Mr. Gurney, considering I am only a pupil
myself. The worst effect will be a little dis-
colouration of the skin. I'll send up something
by way of fomentation, which shall set all to
rights : but I would advise you to caution Master
Falwasser not to repeat the experiment."

" Certainly, I shall," said Cuthbert. " Fool-
ish boy, to take all that trouble to load all those
little cannon, and then to get into a copper to
fire them. Dear, dear, how indefatigable youth
is in the pursuit of pleasure !"

" Ah !" said Sniggs, turning to Mr. Kitting-
ton, " good day — how is Mama — lumbago
better ? — did not call this morning — used the
opodeldoc ? — sister quite well ?"

" Quite well, thank you," said Kittington.

" Well, I'll be off home for the lotion for
M;ist<>r Tommy," said Sniggs, "and will look
in in the evening to see how he is going on."

Away went Sniggs, with this friendly promise
of another visit. I left Cuthbert to settle his

GURNEY MARRIED. 61

schemes with Kittington, to whose presence he
felt it necessary to summon his two fascinating
daughters-in-law, in order to give him a notion
of their peculiar graces. Bessy Wells had been
his pupil, so the meeting was no doubt extremely
satisfactory to all parties. All I know of it was
that at its termination Mr. Kittington was ap-
pointed to attend Mondays, Wednesdays, Thurs-
days, and Saturdays, and that Merman invited
himself not only to be present at the perfor-
mances, but to join our family circle on the then
present day —

" His custom always in the afternoon."

Well, this was certainly no improvement to
my prospects, nor were the comfort and regula-
rity of my establishment very much improved
by the extraordinary proceedings of Cuthbert,
not ordy as regarded his promiscuous invitations
to strangers, but as related to the little nick-
nackeries in which he was in the habit of revell-
ing, himself. After various attempts to describe,
through Hutton, the veritable mode of dressing

6*2 GURNEY MARRIED.

a kabob, or sending up a pillau, he went the
length of having my cook, — I say my cook, as
if, in point of fact, every thing in the house
were not his — into the breakfast-room or the
drawing-room, if that happened to be " head-
quarters" with the ladies, whom he never left;
and there instruct her in the arcana of Oriental
gastronomy, not theoretically but practically,
by superintending in his horizontal position the
cuttings and choppings, triturations, amalgama-
tions, and all the other botherations which he con-
sidered necessary to produce one or two dishes,
his partiality for which he attributed to the
circumstance of the late Mrs. Cuthbert Gurney
having been particularly fond of them.

There really was something in Cuthbert's in-
dolence which was extremely trying to the
patience, or the activity, or whatever it might
be, of those around him. He seemed uncon-
sciously to glory in his, to me, melancholy
inanition. He certainly was one of those of
whom Johnson says, " They boast that they do
nothing, and thank their stars that they have

GURNEY MARRIED. 63

nothing to do ; who sleep every night till they
can sleep no longer, and rise only to take suffi-
cient exercise to enable them to sleep again" —
in this particular the likeness failed, for Cuthbert
took none — " who prolong the reign of darkness
by double curtains, and never see the sun but
to tell him how they hate his beams : whose
whole labour is to vary the posture of indul-
gence, and whose day differs from their night
only as a couch or chair differs from a bed."

Well, then came another worry. Harriet, first
prejudiced against my poor friend Sniggs by her
mother, who certainly entertained a sneaking
mistrust of his professional skill, and now, in the
case of becoming a mother, still more disinclined
to attempt to conquer her dislike, resolved, even
if she were to have no medical attendant and
certainly to die, not to have Sniggs as her " doc-
tor " on the approaching occasion. I ventured
to remonstrate, ran over a catalogue of names of
the best people in the neighbourhood who em-
ployed him ; but all in vain : to her the loss of
her infant sister Adelgitha, was light by compa-

8

G4 GURXEY MARRIED.

rison with the anticipation she entertained of his
giving a sort of circular description to the good
folks of Blissfold of all the circumstances con-
nected with her case, whatever it might turn out
to be. She afforded me the first proof of a reso-
lution to have her own way upon this occasion.
But then it was quite reasonable. She had, in
the first place, no confidence in his abilities ; and,
in the second, she had heard him give relations of
the calamities of all our neighbours, in a tone and
manner which she dreaded lest he shouldadopt
when her own indisposition became the subject
of general conversation.

" A newsmonger," says Butler, " is a retailer
of rumour, that takes upon trust, and sells as
cheap as he buys. He deals in a commodity that
will not keep ; for if it be not fresh, although true
in its origin, it lies on his hands and will yield
nothing. True or false, it is all one to him ; for
novelty being the grace of both, a truth grows
stale as well as a lie : and as a slight suit will last
as well as a better, while the fashion holds, a lie
will serve as well as truth, till new ones come up.

GURNEY MARRIED. 65

He is little concerned whether it be good or bad,
for that does not make it more or less news ; and
if there be any difference, he prefers the bad,
because it is said to come soonest; for he would
willingly bear his share in any public calamity
to have the pleasure of hearing and telling it. He
tells news, as men do money, with his fingers, for
he assures them it comes from very good hands.
The whole business of his life is like that of a
spaniel, to fetch and carry, and when he does it
well he is clapped on the back and fed for it ; for he
does not take it altogether, like a gentleman, for
his pleasure : but when he lights on a considerable
parcel of news he knows where to put it off for a
dinner, and quarters himself upon it, until he
has eaten it out : and, by this means, he drives a
trade, by retrieving the first news to truck it for
the first meat in season : and, like the old Roman
luxury, ransacks all seas and lands to please his
palate."

Such a man Harriet set down Sniggs to bo.
And there are certain points upon which a woman
must neither be thwarted nor disturbed. Harriet

66 GURNEY MARRIED.

was about to assume a new character in the
world — so was I; but then, dear soul, she was
so much more personally concerned with the
change, that the moment she expressed her de-
cided aversion from calling Sniggs into council,
I resolved that he should most certainly not be
admitted. But, as one likes to live peaceably with
his neighbours, and as Sniggs was, I am sure, a
kind-hearted man, and, as I believe, an able prac-
titioner, I saw at once that the only way to soothe
his feelings and moderate his anger at being
excluded, would be to send to London for some
most extraordinary popular accoucheur, a baronet
if possible, but decidedly not below the degree
of knighthood, whose unquestioned claims would
set to rest in a moment the uneasiness of the
Blissfold apothecary, even though the magnate
himself had in other days filled a similar situa-
tion to his own.

All these things worried me. I have a strong
feeling that genius and talent are to be found in
thousands of places besides the highest, if one
only knew where to hit them ; and that not only

GURNEY MARRIED. 67

in medicine and surgery, but in every art and
science in the world, which, without some acci-
dental circumstance, some coincidence for which
none of us are prepared, to bring them into
notice, remain to

" Waste their ' powers ' on the desert air."

In no pursuit is this truth more evident than that
of literature. If ever I should have an influence
over publishers, — which, since my literary hopes
were nipped in the bud by the unequivocal con-
demnation of my first and only farce at the Hay-
market playhouse, now seven years ago, is not
likely, — I would endeavour to impress upon their
minds the vast injustice they do, not only to the
said genius and talent, but to themselves, in un-
equivocally rejecting works by unknown authors.
Every author must be at first unknown, and every
author must write a first work — unless, indeed,
he could adopt the course proposed by an Irish
gentleman who wished to learn German. — " The
first half-dozen lessons, Sir," said the master, "are
tedious, difficult, and disagreeable; but after that.

68 GURNEY MARRIED.

you will begin to appreciate the beauties of the
language." — " Then, Sir,*' said Mr. O'Brallaghan ,
" hadn't we better begin with the seventh ? "

One of the strongest proofs that genius must
triumph without the aid of a name, is to be found
in the anonymous publication of " Waverly."
Of the author of " Waverly," when it first ap-
peared, who knew anything? Not a human be-
ing supposed that this leader of the most splen-
did course of fiction that ever graced the annals
of our literature would have been rejected — most
probably unread — because it bore no known
writer's name on its title-page ! The supposi-
tion is perfectly natural. Such things happen
every day, as injudiciously as unjustly; and sure
I am, that, if I were a writer enjoying a consi-
derable share of popularity, derived more perhaps
from good fortune than merit, I should be the
first to endeavour to overturn this system of ex-
clusion, and give every man or woman of talent
(equal in all probability to my own, although kept
in obscurity by adverse circumstances) a fair
chance of starting in the race, if not for fame, at

GUHNEY MARRIED. 69

least for that which, in these mercenary days, is
perhaps a more substantial reward for their labours.

However, able or not, skilful or a bungler,
wise or foolish, my wife will not have Sniggs ;
so I must look out.

In the course of the afternoon, peace was per-
fectly re-established, and Cuthbert, quite over-
come by the effort of hearing Sniggs's scientific
description of Tom's accident, and making his
arrangements with Mr. Kittington, was reclining
on the sofa, with Kitty sitting rubbing his ancles,
and Jenny bathing his temples with what his man
Hutton called " O go along," meaning thereby
" Eau de Cologne." Tom, with his head dressed
like Cupid, but in every other respect looking
like an imp, was seated at a table thumbing over
a book, which he affected to be reading, and
Fanny Wells was occupied in painting a rose
upon the top of a paper card-box.

" Well," said I, as I entered the room, " the
invitation to Mrs. Brandy ball is gone — arc you
pleased, Kitty?"

70 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Oh yes, uncle," said Kitty, " it will make
her so good-natured to us when we go back."

" Ah, poor things," said Cuthbert, " they
have enough to do when they are at school.
Oh dear ! Well, Gilbert, I have settled about
the dancing. He can come very early in the
morning twice a-week, and about the middle of
the day on the other two days ; but he seems to
think you must have the carpet taken up in the
drawing-room. They can't do their — what does
he call them ? — some of the steps — on a carpet.
So I told him I thought it would take great
labour to do that; but Hutton says that he,
and James, and the coachman, can take it up in
an hour."

" Yes," said I, not quite gratified at the pro-
posal of uncarpeting the best room in my house,
and converting it into a dancing-school; the
more especially as it joined our own bed-room,
and as the early lessons might in some degree
interfere with Harriet's morning slumbers.
However, I said yes.

GURNEY MARRIED. 71

" What a nice little foot Mr. Kittinpfton lias
got !" said Kitty Fahvasser, as she rubbed, as I
thought with an air of invidious comparativeness,
those of Cuthbert.

" Law, my dear child," said Fanny, " how
came you to notice that ?"

" I'm sure I don't know, cousin," said Kitty ;
" I always look at gentlemen's feet. He is a
very nice man altogether I think, and so does
cousin Bessy."

Yes, thought I, and you are a very nice
young lady; however, the holidays don't last
for ever.

" He is quite a swell," said Tom, looking out
from under the bandage which Sniggs had ap-
plied to his darkening eyes.

Charming boy, said I to myself.

" Much smarter than the chap as teaches at
Doctor Brusher's."

" Tom," said I, " what sort of a master is the
doctor ?"

" He's a rum-un to look at," said Tom ;
" a hold chap and wears a wig, all fuzzy out,

72 GURNEY MARRIED.

and we sticks pens hinto hit, whichever on us
his behind im hat lesson time."

" Is he much in school himself?" said I.

" Not a great deal," said Tom ; " he's a good
deal hover at the White Art ; he's a dab at bil-
liards, and e's halmost halways hat hit: yet e
wollops hus like sacks if he kitches us playing
marvels for hanythink."

" Are there many boys at the school ?" said
I, marvelling myself at the style of Tom's lan-
guage and his mode of pronunciation, of which,
as he was always, till the recent accident, some-
where out of sight playing with gunpowder, I
had not had any great previous experience.

" Ow many ?" said Tom, " heighty-height
last alf."

" Are you kept very hard at work, my dear
boy ?" said Cuthbert, looking at him with a
mingled expression of affection and compassion,
which to me appeared most absurd.

" Oh, yes, Pa," said Tom, " I believe so
too ; we get hup at six — too minutes hallowed
to dress — then down to prayers. Billy Dixon

GURNEY MARRIED. 73

gabbles them over fast enough, I can tell you.
Old Brusher don't get hup imself so nearly."

" And who is Billy Dixon, dear?" said Cuth-
bert, in a tone of enquiry so pathetic, that,
although he was my brother, I could scarcely
help laughing.

" Billy Dixon," said Tom, " is one of the
hushers : is name is Williams. All the chaps
calls him Billy Dixon, just as they calls Opkins,
the Hinglish husher, Snob. E reads the prayers ;
then we as to say the lessons what we learnt hover
night ; then them as is igh hup, does Hugh Clid
and Matthew Mattocks. I'm not Inn them yet.
And we does ciphering till height; then we
breakfasts, and after that, we goes into the back
yard and washes our ands and faces ; then hout
agin into the play-ground till ten ; then in agin
till twelve : hout till dinner at one."

" And do you live well, my poor boy ?" said
Cuthbert.

" Lots of grub," said Tom, " sich as it is.
Sundays we has baked beef — long, bony bits —
hunderdone — and plenty of ard pudden ; Satur-

VOL. I. E

74 GURNEY MARRIED.

days, scrapings and stick-jaw. Hobliged to bolt
all the fat, else we kitches toko. They gives us
swipes for dinner and supper, with cheese as ard
as hiron, hand as black has my at ; but they tells
us it's olesome."

" And does Dr. Brusher," said I, curious to
ascertain the advantages which Tom derived
from the tuition of so able a man, in return for
sixty pounds a-year, and no extras — " does the
Doctor attend much to your general conduct ?"

" Yes," said Tom ; " he reads lectures to us,
and hexamines us in the hevenings."

" But I mean with regard to your manners
and conversation," said I.

" Bush — he be smoked !" said Tom. " If E
was to hinterfere with our big boys, they'd

' Send him to the chimney top to fetch away the bacon.' '

" What a droll creature you are !" said Cuth-
bert.

" Mother Bopps is very good-natured to some

of the little chaps," continued the communicative

pupil.

GURNEY MARRIED. 75

" And who may she be ?" said Fanny Wells.

" Oh ! Mother Brusher," said Tom ; " but

only we halways calls her Bopps. I don't

know why ; — hit's halways bin so, afore I went."

" Ay, it is the nature of women to be kind,"

said Cuthbert, sighing.

" She takes care," said Tom, " that we wash

our faces and ands Saturday nights, to be all

nice and clean for church on Sunday morning."

" But I presume," said I, " you repeat your

ablutions when you get up ?"

" No we "don't," said Tom ; " we repeat the
Colic of the day — the little uns does Cathekiss.
As for our feet, we as 'em washed once a
quarter."

" And in what," said I, perfectly astonished
at the erudition, delicacy, and cleanliness of my
young connexion, " in what does the Doctor
examine you ?"

" In the front parlour," said Tom.
" No," said I ; " but I mean upon what sub-
jects?"

" Oh !" said Tom ; " E hasks hus hall man-

e 2

C(

..

76 GURNEY MARRIED.

ner of rum questions hout of istory or the Dix-
onary."

" Well, now, shall / ask you some ?" said I.

" Oh, don't give the poor boy any trouble in
the holidays, Gilbert," said Cuthbert ; " he is
home for relaxation and amusement."

" Oh, but hi likes hit, Pa," said Tom.

" So do I," said Kitty ; " I like to be ex-
amined. I have got two medals and ' Thomson's
Seasons,' for prizes in jography."

" Well," said I, " Kitty, you shall join our
class." So, taking up the newspaper which (as
newspapers will do,) happened to lie upon the
table, I asked my fair young friend where the
Mediterranean was ?

" In Asia, uncle," said Kitty, without the
slightest hesitation.

" Oh, you fool !" said Tom ; " hi knows bet-
ter than that; it's in America."

" But how do you get into it, Kitty?" said I.

" Through Bchring's Straits," answered the
young lady.

I stared, smiled, and proceeded.

GURNEY MARRIED. 77

" What is a quadruped, Tom ?" said I.

" A large fish," replied Tom.

" That it an't, Tom," said Kitty. « I know
what it is : it is an animal that runs upon the
ceiling, with a great many legs."

Whether Cuthbert was himself not more en-
lightened than his dear daughter and son-in-law,
or whether he thought it too much trouble to set
them right, I don't pretend to say ; he looked
perfectly satisfied, and I thought it not worth
while to endanger his repose by questioning
the accuracy of their answers.

" Jenny, dear," said I to the simple creature,
" what is a pedagogue ?"

" A place to put statues in, uncle," said fair
innocence.

" I wonder," said Kitty, " how you come to
know that so well — somebody must have told you
— I could not have guessed it."

" What king of England," said I to Kitty,
" reigned immediately before George the First ?"

" Before him ?" said Kitty ; " George the
Second, uncle."

e3

78 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Bush," said Tom, " how could that be, you
fool ? he reigned after im. I guess oo hit was
that reigned directly afore him."

" Who ?" said I.

" Heddud the Fifth," said Tom.

" It is unlikely," said I, reading from the
newspaper, " that the French minister will be
able to cajole the emperor into such a measure."
" What does cajole mean ?"

" To kill a man," said Tom.

" Well," said I, " I won't bore you any more,
for your Pa is getting sleepy ; but what are you,
Tom — animal, vegetable, or mineral ?"

" I am a vegetable," said Tom.

" Then," said I, " what is a cauliflower?"

" A mineral," said Tom.

" I know I'm an animal," said Kitty.

Yes, thought I, my dear ; and rather a strange
one too.

If this examination were written to meet the
public eye, the reader would fancy its absurdities
too gross to bear even the semblance of probabi-
lity ; but, nevertheless, I have put down this

GURNEY MARRIED. 79

portion of it, verbatim from the lips of the hope-
ful children with whom my house is so elegantly
furnished.

" How soon an accident happens," said Cuth-
bert, gravely raising himself in his usual manner
on one elbow, and looking at Tom — " that dear
boy might have lost his sight by the blow of that
cannon. I'm sure I never see any thing of the
kind without thinking of the day my poor dear
father and I were coming down Shooter's Hill —
near that Severndroog place, and the horses took
fright at something in the road, and "

" Yes, Pa," said Kitty, " but then they stop-
ped of themselves when they got to the bottom
of the hill. You see I never forget any thing you
tell me."

" Dear girl," said Cuthbert, making a sort of
kissatory motion with his lips, to which Kitty
immediately responded, by leaving his feet, and
conferring on him a chaste and filial salute.

" I fancy," said I, " it is getting on for din-
ner-time. Who dines here ? — does anybody
know ?"

E 4

80 GURNEY MARRIED.

" I asked the Nubleys," said Cuthbert, " but
they can't come."

" And Harriet has asked Mr. Merman," said
Fanny.

"And I begged dear Bessy to stop," said Kitty.

" And I think," said Fanny, " Harriet has in-
vited Ma, because Pa dines at Lord Fussbo-
rough's."

Well, thought I, this sounds to my ears very
much as if I had painted over my door — " An
ordinary here at six o'clock every day, Sundays
not excepted ;" or rather, as if I were the keeper
of a table d' hutc, at which, as hate, I was permitted
to preside, rather as an accommodation to the
company in the way of carving, than as being
master of the house.

These were minor evils, but I could not,
without pain and apprehension, witness the grow-
ing power and influence of the three alien chil-
dren of the late Mr. Falwasser over my kind-
hearted placid brother. Upon every occasion,
before and since his return from India, he had
practically evinced his affection and regard for

GURNEY MARRIED. 81

Hie, and I am the last person in the world to be
jealous of any kindness or liberality which he
may feel inclined to bestow upon others ; but in
this case he seemed to me to be entailing upon
himself a responsibility of which he himself was
not aware, and to sustain which he was physically
as well as morally incapable.

When Kitty grew to be sixteen or seventeen
— or rather when she became sixteen or seven-
teen, for she had grown in outward appearance
to that age already — it was clear to me that with
her character and disposition, her unflinching
adherence to any favourite point until she had
carried it, joined to a consciousness of the power
she actually possessed over Cuthbert, she would
lead him into all sorts of difficulties, against which
he had not sufficient strength of mind to contend.
Of course I was not constantly with them, and
they were frequently alone, or perhaps with Jane
as a third ; and it is easy to imagine that entirely
freed from restraint — although I must admit she
never appeared much gene'd by either my pre-
sence or that of Harriet — she spoke her mind and

E 5

82 GURNEY .MARRIED.

expressed her wishes with a sincerity and decision
proportionate to Cuthbert's acknowledged affec-
tion for the children, and his gradually increasing
concessions.

I repeat, I am not jealous of this ; but I am not
blind to the eifect of the influence of these young
people, who, although as I have ascertained,
lamentably ignorant of the rudiments of educa-
tion, are — at least I speak particularly of Kitty
— full of low worldly cunning. I perceive in
Cuthbert's manner to my wife less tenderness of
feeling, less regard for her comforts, less defer-
ence to her wishes, than it exhibited previous to
their invasion of my territory — if mine it can be
called ; and Harriet herself, I am sure, is sensible
of the change, although she is too kind even to
hint such a thing to me.

I must struggle with these feelings — I find
myself growing irritable and querulous — I am
not master of my own house. — Aye, there it
comes again — is it my own house ? Surely, while
that is the question, Cuthbert should more care-
fully than anybody else in the world prevent my

GURNEY MARRIED. 83

feeling how much I owe him, and how dependent,
in point of fact, I am upon him. I must, how-
ever, check the growing dislike I feel for Kitty
— her manner, her conversation, are repugnant
to my notions of the attributes of anything so
young ; it seems to me that every suggestion she
makes is founded upon calculation — every look at
Cuthbert is studied — her dress, regulated gene-
rally by bad taste, is ill suited to her age, if not
to her figure ; and the very slip-off of her frock
from the top of her left shoulder, meant to seem
accidental and look negligent, is the result of a
study of her attractions, which she fancies in-
creased by the display. And yet this miniature
Machiavel, who is at this moment leading Cuth-
bert about like a child, purposes to get into the
Mediterranean through Behring's Straits, and
tells us gravely that a quadruped is an animal
that runs upon the ceiling with a great many legs.
It is wonderful to see how much Nature has
done for her, and how little, Art. To my mind,
however, bipeds are more likely to interest her

E 6

84 GURNEY MARRIED.

attention than quadrupeds at a not much later
period of her life.

Dinner came — Mr. Wells came — the Lieute-
nant came — Tom dined at table because the ex-
plosion had lost him his regular dinner — and,
for the first time, the two young ladies. I said
nothing, but looked at Harriet, who made me
understand in a moment that Cuthbert had de-
sired it. We were crowded, and the girls had
dined before ; and Cuthbert, I thought, saw,
not exactly that I was annoyed, but surprised, at
the new arrangement ; for he presently mentioned
that, as poor Tommy had had no dinner, he had
told Hutton to tell the butler to lay a cover for
him ; and that when he had done so, Kitty had
said it would be very dull for her and Jane to be
by themselves, and that she did not mind where
she sat; "and," added he, "so I have put her
close by me." And there they did sit, and so did
/ — not much satisfied with what I saw, but cer-
tainly not anticipating the coming events of tin-
evening.

CHAPTER III.

I am perfectly sure that the growth of affection,
so generally admitted to be the inevitable result
of juxtaposition and constant association between
those whose tastes accord, whose feelings assimi-
late, and whose habits and principles are conge-
nial, is neither so rapid nor so decided as the
progress of dislike when once the sentiment has
taken hold of one. I felt as I sat carving a huge
haunch of mutton, which in our moderate esta-
blishment still maintained its place at head-
quarters, unbanished to the side-table, that I
really was nothing more than purveyor to the
party, and likened myself to one of those inouii-

86 GURNEY MARRIED.

tains of flesh who were wont to cut slices from
huge rounds of beef in a shop at the corner of
St. Martin's-court, and sell them —

" To every passing villager."

There were seven or eight people to be helped
to mutton, — of which seven or eight, my wife
and brother were the only two who had any
legitimate claim to places at the table. It is all
very true Mrs. Wells is a very nice woman, but
even she, I think, interferes more than is neces-
sary in my domestic affairs, and seems to impress
upon Harriet's mind that the mode in which
matters are managed at the Rectory is the only
system to be adopted and adhered to all over
the world. I hate boiled pork, — so does Harriet,
— a parsnip is my aversion, it reminds me of a
sick carrot. No matter — Mrs. Wells has instilled
into her daughter's mind the necessity of having
certain prescribed joints and dishes on certain
particular days in the week; and accordingly it
was but yesterday that I was taken by surprise
with an odious leg of boiled pork, accompanied
by a mixture resembling nothing but a dab of

GURNEY MARRIED. 87

yellow plaster for a wall, which they call pease-
pudding.

To-day was mutton day, of which fact I was
fully aware long before dinner-time. My pre-
decessor at Ashmead could not endure the smell
of the dishes he was destined afterwards to taste,
and accordingly consulted one of our most emi-
nent architects upon the construction of his kit-
chen. The kitchen was built under the direction
of the modern Vitruvius at the extremity of a
long passage divided by double doors, and ven-
tilated in the middle by a sort of open turret,
which was to render the whole affair unsmell-
able. The result is that the servants, who are
continually passing and repassing along this pas-
sage, invariably fasten, or as they call it " trig,"
both doors back, in order to save themselves the
trouble of shutting or opening them ; my cook,
who dreads the rheumatism, fastens up the flap-
pers of the turret; and the consequence is, that
the north-easterly wind, which gets into the kit-
chen on the other side, blows the whole flavour
of the feast, right through this kind of funnel,

10

88 GURNEY MARRIED.

into the hall and house generally, but more par-
ticularly into the dinner-room itself, from which
the door to the offices opens directly into the
passage.

Cuthbert, who looks like parchment, and smells
like a Japan cabinet, is perfectly indiiferent to
every inconvenience that does not compel him
to move. If he get his curry done to his
liking, — the light yellow Moorman's curry, with
pickles ; and his promiscuous kabobs, in which he
revels at breakfast, or his occasional pillau, — he
is content ; although on the days when the flavour
of mutton does not supersede every other scent,
the whole place is redolent of oriental condiments.
Kissing Kitty is a venial offence as far as her
father-in-law is concerned, but it makes me sick
to see him feeding her with his own spoon at
table, picking her out little nice bits of sweet-
meats, and then making her " sweeten his glass,"
before he drinks his wine. Well, a fortnight more
and the holidays will be over, and then some-
thing like order will be restored here.

I had concluded the round of feeders, and

GURNEY MARRIED. 89

helped myself, and was beginning to make pre-
parations for eating my dinner, when, just as I
had got a morsel on my fork, and while it hung,
Mahomet-like, midway between my plate and
my mouth, its progress was suddenly stayed by
Cuthbert.

" Gilbert," said he, " here is a young lady who
will trouble you for a bit more, — that which you
sent her before is hardly enough done; just
turn the haunch over, and cut her a little slice —
under — there — I cannot point out the place ex-
actly— where it's brown : Kitty is like her pappy,
she likes her meat well done; don't you, dear? ';

" I like whatever you like, Pa," said the young
lady.

" Hyaena," said I to myself, as I essayed for
the third time to turn the unwieldy joint, a trial
of my skill and patience which ended in its
slipping from my hold, and toppling down into
the midst of its gravy, of which it made a sudden
dispersion, producing an effect similar to that of
one of Shrapnell's shells upon a small scale ; and
I confess I was rather pleased than vexed when 1

90 GURNEY MARRIED.

saw a considerable portion of the lava-like liquid
fly from the dish into the face of the odious Tom
Falwasser, who received the aspersion with the
worst imaginable grace, and the worst possible
philosophy.

" Bush," cried the savage; " ain't I cotched
it now ? I say, Pa, my heye is hout."

" Poor boy ! " said Cuthbert, " Ah, that's
it; misfortunes never come alone, — my fault —
dear me ! Oh, Gilbert, don't trouble yourself,"
and so on, until he had persuaded the yahoo that
he was wretchedly persecuted, and induced Miss
Falwasser to give me a look, such as she would
have bestowed upon my butler, if by any accident
he had utterly spoiled her sky-blue silk dress, by
spilling half a plate of soup on it, in handing it
over her shoulder.

I was in a bad humour, and yet those who
know me, have always fancied it would take a
great deal to drive me into one. As Caleb Quo-
tem says, in his song in the admirable farce of
the " Review," —

" Many small articles make up a sum."

GURNE* MARRIED. 91

And upon the present occasion the truth of the
line was most painfully evident to me inasmuch
as it was a combination of little irritations by
which I was affected. Harriet seemed unaccount-
ably lively ; and she and Fanny had some joke
between them and that odious red-fisted Lieuten-
ant Merman. I hate him more and more every
day. What is it — what has soured my temper ?

I was asking myself this question seriously,
for the third or fourth time, just as the second
course had been removed — if second course, a
brace of pheasants at one end of the table, some
sea kale at the other, and some pastry and jellies
at the sides, could be so called : and I felt a
certain degree of relief from the cessation of a
duty with which, I admit, mingled very little
pleasure — when I heard the sound of carriage
wheels approaching the house door. That sound
suddenly ceased, and a peal on the bell set the
house itself ringing.

Everybody looked amazed. We expected
nobody. The Nubleys were not coming. Wells
could not have left the Earl's so early ; we all

92 GURNEY MARRIED.

were astounded, save and except my brother
Cuthbert, and that minx Kitty, who, when we
were all staring at each other, in " amazement
lost," said to her " Pa," loud enough for me to
hear, " I shouldn't wonder if it was"

What these ominous words portended, I could
not venture to surmise ; but my astonishment
and dismay were not exceedingly small, when I
saw my brother's man Hutton enter the room,
and, proceeding to Miss Kitty, whisper something
in her ear, and beheld her, after giving Cuth-
bert a pat on the arm, jump up from her chair,
and run out of the room, followed by Jane, to
whom she made a signal, into the hall, where,
in a few moments, the noise of the laughing and
giggling of girls and women, and the barking of
dogs resounded.

In the midst of my amazement — in Ireland it
would have been alarm — at the invasion of my
house at so unusual an hour, in bounced Miss
Kitty, who, running to Cuthbert, exclaimed
with a look of triumphant sauciness, " It is her."

" Where is she ?" said Cuthbert.

GURNEY MARRIED. 93

" Gone up with Jane into our room to take off
her things," said Kitty ; and, turning to my wife,
who looked petrified at the performance in pro-
gress, added, " it's only Mrs. Brandyball, dear."

Dear ! to my wife ! — only Mrs. Brandyball !

" Why," said I, " she cannot have got our
letter."

" No," said Cuthbert, "but I can explain that.
Kitty had said she was sure you would be glad
to see her on her way back— and so — I hadn't
time to mention — this — before, but "

" It makes no difference," said I. " Harriet,
dear, hadn't you better just see "

" Oh no !" said Miss Falwasser, interrupting ;
" don't hurry, because dear governess has got
something to tell me all to myself, and I'll go
up and keep her company till you go into the
drawing-room." Saying which, and seeming
perfectly satisfied that her proposal for the
arrangement was in fact a Jiat, she proceeded
unchecked by anybody to fulfil her intentions.

" This is quite a surprise," said Harriet,
looking, as I thought, a little ruffled by the

94 GURNEY MARRIED.

event — " did you know Mrs. Brandyball was
coming to-day, cousin?"

" Why," said Cuthbert, " I don't exactly
recollect what dear Kate said about it — I know
she told me that when she heard from Mrs. Bran-
dyball, she seemed to wish to know whether her
coming here would be agreeable to you — and
then, as far as I can recollect, Kate told me that
she wished you to send her an invitation, as if
it originated with yourself — so that she might
not feel a difficulty in accepting the one she had
given her; however, as she is come, all the
trouble of writing to her to ask her might have
been saved. Tommy, dear, pick up my tooth-
pick— eh — ah."

" I did not know," said I ; for I confess the
tact of Miss Falwasser in her manoeuvrings was
any thing but soothing — " 1 did not know that
Kitty had heard from the lady."

" Yes," said Cuthbert, " one day last week,
1 think."

" 1 didn't see the letter amongst ours," said I.

" No," said Cuthbert, " Kate's maid always

GURNEY MARRIED. 95

goes down to the servants' hall when the letters
come, to see if there are any for her ; it saves
us the trouble of sending them up to her after
we get up — ah !"

All this sounded odd — there appeared a kind
of precocity in her measures which did not tend
in the slightest degree to exalt the opinion of
the young lady's character or disposition which
I had previously formed, and Cuthbert evidently
saw what was passing in my mind.

" You know," added he, " the children are
up long before we are — so that there is no reason
why Kwte should wait to get any letter which
comes for her till we go to breakfast."

"None in the least," said I: "only I was
not prepared to hear that so young a lady main-
tained an independent correspondence."

" Yes," said Cuthbert, " her poor dear mother
was always an advocate of freedom from re-
straint; and, besides, if the poor child were
obliged to write those difficult pattern answers
she would be tired to death — indeed, she can't
bear any thing of the sort, but when she writes

96 GURNEY MARRIED.

of herself, if she does not spell every word
exactly right, still she speaks her own sentiments
and opinions. I am a great friend to leaving
the mind all free."

" Well, Fanny," said Harriet, rousing her
sister from a whispering tete-a-tete with her
odious lieutenant, "when you are at leisure,
perhaps Mamma would like to go to the
drawing-room."

" Law, Harry !" said Fanny, blushing, " I
am sure I'm ready to go whenever she pleases."

And up they got and away they went. I
took Harriet's vacated seat and arranged the
bottles.

" Sad accident has happened," said Merman,
" to a brother officer of mine, Jukes, of ours.
He was riding in the Park the day before yester-
day, his horse ran away with him, and threw
him, and he has broken his leg and two or three
of his ribs. It would be deuced hard if he were
to die, for he only purchased his company a
fortnight since."

"That's sad work," said Cuthbert ; "just

GURNEY MARRIED. 97

give me a little claret, Gilbert — there — thanks.
— By the way, I don't know if I ever told you of
a most formidable-looking accident that happened
to me a vast many years ago, when my poor
father and I were travelling in a postchaise down
Shooter's Hill, just where the place built like
Severndroog is "

" Bush, Pappy," said Tom, who had watched
Cuthbert with considerable anxiety thus far, "you
ave told hus that story hevery day this olidays.
You should ear sister Kate tell it, just for all the
world like you "

" Does she, my boy ?" said Cuthbert; "how
odd that is ! Her poor dear mother had a strong
turn for imitation. I didn't remember I had ever
told Lieutenant Merman that story, — but wasn't
it a miraculous escape? — we must have been
dashed to pieces, if the horses had not stopped
of themselves."

Lieutenant Merman, who evinced, by a look
at me, his perfect intimacy with the catastrophe,
then occupied at least three-quarters of an hour
in relating a case of great hardship, in which

VOL. I. F

98 GURNEY MARRIED.

it appeared that a Captain Dobbington had lodged
his money for the majority of his regiment, and
that Captain Winnowmore had been appointed —
and that Lieutenant-colonel Somebody had died
— and that the commander of the forces had done
Dobbington a great injustice, and so had the ad-
jutant-general, and the quarter-master-general —
and so had the secretary at war, and the pay-
master of the forces, and the judge-advocate-
general, and the general commanding the
regiment, and, as far as I could collect, the Arch-
bishop of Canterbury. However, Mr. Grub and
Mr. Snob, two staunch redressors-general of all
human wrongs, were to bring the case before
the House of Commons the very first week <>t
the next session, it being one of such importance,
that the eyes of the whole army were directed to
it, and the feelings of the whole nation in a con-
sequent state of ebullition.

I listened ; and at the conclusion of the details
said I had not heard any thing of it through the
public papers ; and when I turned to Cuthbert,
I found he was fast asleep, with his snuff-box

GURNEY MARRIED. 99

still in his hand, but reversed, as the heralds
would say, and the snuff " absent without leave,"
as the Lieutenant would have said, on the carpet.
Not liking to rouse him from the soft slumber
in which he was, like another Chrononhotontholo-
gos, " unfatiguing himself," I pushed the wine
again to Merman, who thinking, I suppose, that
my doing so was an encouraging hint to resume
his lamentations, continued to enlarge upon the
infamous job which had been done, until the slum-
berer awoke.

In my mind there does not exist in the world
a more anomalous character than a Radical officer
of the army or the navy. — Pledged as they are
to defend the king and country against all foes,
foreign and domestic, and always eager to redeem
that pledge

" E'en in the cannon's mouth,"
nothing can seem more extraordinary — I should
say, perhaps, more disgusting — than to hear
these members of the noble services to which
they belong giving utterance to sentiments, the
expression of which by any man not belonging to

f2

100 GURNEY MARRIED.

either, would at once stamp him for a disloyal
and disaffected subject. It is always to me a
convincing proof of great weakness or great
wickedness. If they believe that the radical
reform, of which they speak so enthusiastically,
means any thing short of eventual revolution, the
former is their misfortune. If with their eyes
open to the ulterior results, they advocate the
course which leads to them, and laud the men
who uphold it, the latter is their crime ; and in
either case respect for themselves and society
should keep them silent ; for, as they are bound
to fight for the existing order of things, and in
the case of any outbreak, would in doing their
duty be compelled to oppose and overthrow it,
thei own previous proclamations, that what they
did was contrary to their opinions and principles,
would add but little to their reputation for sin-
cerity, or their character for independence.

Merman's long tale having been quite un-
folded, and Cuthbert awakened to the loss of
his snuff, I suggested a removal to the draw-
ing-room, anxious, I admit, to see the Minerva

GURNEY MARRIED. 101

under whose fostering auspices two such pro-
mising girls as my pseudo-nieces were fast com-
ing to maturity.

Cuthbert did not appear to evince any parti-
cular desire to greet the lady, which led me to
think that his anxiety to show her civility
had originated entirely in his devotion to his
daughter-in-law. However, having got Lieute-
nant Merman to ring the bell for Hutton to come
and fetch his snuff-box to be refilled, and then to
wheel him across the hall to the edge of his couch
in the drawing-room, we proceeded to an inspec-
tion of the all-accomplished Mrs. Brandyball.

I found her seated on one of the sofas between
her young pupils. She was a plumpish dressy
woman, of about fifty-four or five, with a florid
countenance, and coal-black hair, which, upon
the established principle of meum and tuum, was
unquestionably her own ; above which she wore
a capacious white bonnet, decorated with flowers,
which would have made Lee and Kennedy jealous,
and have driven Colville mad : chains and ri.Mofs
adorned her neck and fingers, and although en

f3

102 GURNEY MARRIED.

deshabille for travelling, she was quite as fine as
need be.

Upon Cuthbert's arrival, the two girls leaped
from the musnud, and while Mrs. Brandyball
tired him to death with the most affectionate in-
quiries after his health, Kate stood kissing his fore-
head and Jane holding one of his hands. After this
ceremony had been gone through, Cuthbert look-
ing anxiously after me, pointed to the lady, and
said, in a subdued tone of voice, " Gilbert, allow
me to introduce Mrs. Brandyball."

I made the aimable with the best grace I could,
and expressed myself extremely glad to see her
at Ashmead, — hoped she had had some refresh-
ment, and suggested that we should have some
supper early, since she had missed our dinner-
hour by her late arrival.

" Thank you, Mr. Gurney," said my fair
friend, in a tone of voice suitable to a girl of
sixteen performing on the stage, " for your deli-
cate attention ; but I would not for worlds dis-
arrange the economy of your establishment, nor
is it in any degree necessary ; for owing to the

GURNEY MARRIED. 103

amiable solicitude of these dear children, I have
been supplied with every necessary refreshment
since my arrival in your charming mansion."

'* Have you ?" said I ; "I am very glad to
hear it."

" Yes," continued the lady ; " dear Katharine,
anxious to evince a regard, which is truly reci-
procal, desired the domestics to arrange a little
repast in her own apartment, and I found
abundance of every thing to gratify the appetite,
elegantly disposed for my accommodation — in-
teresting creatures ! It is most satisfactory to a
solicitous preceptress to discover in acts of kind-
ness and consideration like these, the delightful
evidence of affection, resulting perhaps in the
present instance from a strict adherence to the
principle, that where kindness governs in the
place of anger, the pupil always receives instruc-
tion with gratitude."

This euphonic oration startled me, not only by
its manner but its matter. The woman appeared
to me to have swallowed half a score of her own
copy-books, the examples in which she was now

f4

104 GURNEY MARRIED.

delivering out of her lips : but this being merely
ridiculous, I thought I might be amused by her
absurdity. What really did startle me was the
coolness with which the interesting Katharine
had given her orders for preparing a snug din-
ner for her high-flying schoolmistress in herxoom,
without inquiring of me or Harriet whether she
might do so or not. Nor was this all, for under
Hutton's directions, my butler, it seems, had
furnished forth wines " of sorts" for the banquet,
of which — I speak it with diffidence and reserve
— it appeared to me that my fair friend had im-
bibed no very inconsiderable quantity.

" I have been just expressing to Mrs. Gur-
ney," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the sentiments of
admiration which I entertain for the beauties of
this vicinage ; it was so late when I arrived, that
the shades of evening had thrown their mantle
over the beauties of Nature ; it was, however,
impossible not to perceive by the outlines of the
surrounding scenery how very beautiful it must
be in a more genial season of the year."

" I think," said I, " you flatter us too much :

GURNEY MARRIED. 105

the country about us is very pretty, but-

" Oh," said the lady, smiling her best, " my
opinion is, that courtesy should ever be accom-
panied with candour ; and although { to err is
human, to forgive divine,' as far as I am ca-
pable of forming a judgment upon such sub-
jects, I think the drive from the coast hither-
wards is quite charming."

" I hope," said I, " that we shall improve
your favourable impression during your stay."

" I have explained to Mrs. Gurney," said
Mrs. Brandyball, " the cause of my somewhat
premature appearance here. I really entertain
so sincere a regard — I might almost denominate
it a maternal affection — for these two dear
creatures, that I ventured in some measure to
overstep the ordinary regulations of society by
accepting my dear Katharine's invitation ; but,
as I say, affectation is at best but a deformity,
and conciliatory manners command esteem — so
that when the dear girl wrote to beg me to come,
1 came without reflecting how much perhaps I
ventured to intrude."

f 5

106 GURNEY MARRIED.

I bowed — though it was evident that Kitty,
in the course of the second dinner in what this
eloquent lady called her apartment, had ex-
plained to her the whole of the manoeuvre which
had failed, with regard to the invitation which
was to have been sent to her.

" Oh, Mr. Gurney," continued the lady, " ' a
good education is the foundation of happiness,
and ignorance is the parent of many injuries,'
and this I say, because a good maxim is never
out of season. Now I have had these dear crea-
tures under my care five years, nay, more — the
course of Time is so rapid, and I may say so im-
perceptible, in fact like the varied movements of
the vast universe, that one is unconscious of its
flight — and I declare that I never have had the
smallest reason to find fault with either of them
— as I say, perfect idleness is perfect weariness,
and of all prodigality that of time is the worst.
Defer not till to-morrow what you can do to-
day ; indeed I find lazy folks take the most
pains — but I do assure you that my two young
charges appear to me to possess a felicitous

GURNEY MARRIED. 107

mixture of talent and genius, with a desire to
improve their natural advantages by a sedulous
devotion to the more abstruse studies."

Studies, thought I — of quadrupeds running
about upon the ceiling, with a great many legs
— or of geography, sailing into an Asiatic Medi-
terranean through Behring's Straits however,

I saw what my florid, black-haired lady was,
in a moment, and felt not the slightest indis-
position to amuse myself with the animal rouge
et noir. Besides, as Cuthbert and the people
he called his children were to be pleased by any
attention paid to our newly-arrived guest, I
resolved to put a good face on the matter,
convinced that the fine language of my new
friend was only plating, and that after a day
or two we should scrape our way to the real
material.

I was somewhat relieved from the overflow of
Mrs. Brandyball's loquacity by Harriet, who, 1
suppose, saw that I had had enough of it, — to use
a phrase which the euphonic lady never would

f 6

108 GURNEY MARRIED,

have adopted, — and who came to remind me that
Cnthbert was looking whistfully for his whist —
the hint was enough ; and I began to make up
his little party by inquiring if Mrs. Brandyball
would like to cut in.

" No, my dear Sir," said the fascinating
Hedgehog; " I invariably decline card-playing.
Malice never wants a mark to shoot at; and,
although regarding the subject with an unpre-
judiced eye, I see really no moral interdiction
to such a relaxation, I think it better not to gra-
tify myself by an amusement which the rigid
might censure ; I feel it is always right to
comply with cheerfulness where necessity en-
joins; so, as every condition has its troubles,
I give up upon principle what might, in the esti-
mation of the liberal portion of mankind, be consi-
dered little else than a relief from mental labour."
The effort she made to decline the whist was as
palpable as that which an ill-bred child makes to
say, " No, I thank you," when asked to eat or
drink something which he or she particularly

GURNEY MARRIED. 109

wishes for, but has been taught by some vulgar
person to refuse as a matter of delicacy.

Mrs. Wells and I played against Cuthbert and
Harriet ; Merman of course " sat out" with
Fanny; and Mrs. Brandyball enjoyed herself
amazingly with the two girls, who sat on either
side of her, soaking their hands in hers.

This was dull work for the new arrival, I
presume; but, luckily for all parties, Sniggs
dropped in to look at Tom's wounds, which were
very parliamentarily divided between the eyes
and nose. When he came half stepping half
bounding into the room, the vivacious Brandy-
ball seem quite astounded. I heard Kitty put
her to rights in a moment. " The apothecarry,"
said Kate; and immediately Brandyball drew
herself up, and looked hatchets and carvino--
knives at him.

" Been to see Master Tom," said Snip-ifs,
who had visited the lout in his room, to which
he had been conveyed under the orders of his
sister, who had no desire to be bored with his
society after the arrival of her governess, although

110 GURNEY MARRIED.

she would have so much missed his company at
dinner. " All going on well — slight discolour-
ation— gone by to-morrow — pulse good — tongue
clean — every thing as it should be — shocking
affair, Mr. Gurney — have you heard ? — Hawkins,
the butterman, has bolted — off to America — al-
ways suspicious — martyr to hepatitis — wife pretty
woman — attended her in four of her confine-
ments— fine familv — troubled a little with rheu-
matism — sitting in the parlour with her back to
the key-hole — has cheated every body — poor
Sims at the Crown is a great loser — bad for him
— short neck — determination of blood to the
head last Easter — twenty leeches to his temples
— brought him round, but no accounting for
sudden shocks."

" You have ruffed, or roughed (for I don't
know how it is to be spelt) my thirteenth," said
Cuthbert to Harriet, who was his partner. The
word ruff, or rough, as the case may be, being,
as I have discovered, synonymous with trump.
As for Harriet, she hated whist, pretty much,
perhaps, for the same reason that I do, — because

GURNEY MARRIED. 11 J

1 do not understand it ; — nor would I take the
trouble, if I thought I could succeed in the
pursuit to its attainment, or devote my time
and intellect to a game which no man ought
ever to play, except for amusement, because
when learned to the best of one's ability, it
necessarily involves the fate and fortune, if it be
played for money, of a partner.

Harriet was quite shocked at the earnestness
with which Cuthbert charged her with this high
crime and misdemeanour, nor did either she or
her mother feel particularly pleased when Cuth-
bert added, " Well, I should think, considering
your father is a parson, he might have taught
you better." This observation set Mrs. Brandy-
ball into a loud fit of laughing, and put me into
something very like a rage; but then it was my
brother who made the remark, and he was lively,
and facetious, and therefore better than usual ;
and so I shuffled and sorted my cards, and tried
to think of the principle of the game which I was
playing, but in which most assuredly I took no
interest.

1 1 '2 GURNKY M A R R I E D .

I had hoped, when my brother had exerted him-
sufficiently to scold my poor little wife about
the unfortunate mistake, that there would have
been an end. But no : when the hand was out.
Cuthbert. with a gravity tar beyond that which
the importance of the affair seemed to require,
said — " Harriet, dear, see what that mistake of

its lias done: if in the second round of club>.
you had played your nine instead ot your seven.
Gilbert's eig-bt would have fallen : and then,
when you saw me lead the knave of diamonds
through your mother's king, your putting a
trump on it was madness : besides, when you had
the lead, if you had returned me the spade, which
I had shown you in the very first round was my
strong suit, we should have got three tricks run-
ning, and. then I could have returned you the
heart, which must have made two more, because
you had ace. king, which, as it was. fell to their
trump-.'*

Harriet listened to the lecture patiently, but
profited little. I listened, but not patiently.
Poor Cuthbert was perfectly serious, and really

GURNEY MARRIED. 113

out of sorts ; he was worth a hundred and fifty
thousand pounds, and we were playing sixpenny
points.

Harriet got tired, — perhaps the scolding did not
do her good, — but she was rapidly approaching
the period of her confinement, and I saw that she
turned pale, and gave me more than one look of
exhaustion and weariness ; but it would have been
treason to deprive Cuthbert of his prescribed
three rubbers, so she played on, and Cuthbert
was so keen a player for nothings that he would
not allow Harriet and me to play together.

" No," said he, " never, never let man and
wife play together at whist. It is too much
trouble for me to point out all the things they
do ; but, my dear Gilbert, there are always family
telegraphs, and if they fancy their looks are
watched, they communicate by words. My good
fellow," continued he, looking as white as a sheet,
and wholly exhausted by the exertion, " at Bun-
galapumbungabad, up the country, where I was
carried in my palkee to get somebody to look at
some indigo which I wanted to buy, I met with

114 GURNEY MARRIED.

a Mr. Smigsmag and his wife, — nice woman,
upon my word, — I did not cultivate their ac-
quaintance much, because he lived more than
half a mile from my bungalow, and I was merely
a visiter, — but I dined with him once or twice,
and we played whist ; and his wife and he always
played together ; — oh, dear ! Kitty, give me the
eau de Cologne, dear, — isn't she grown, Mrs.
Brandyball, eh? — and so — I found out that I
never could win against Smigsmag and his wife,
— he was a Burrah Saab — a resident — excellent
man in his way, — and so — one night I mentioned
this to my friend who played with me, and who,
being an expectant creature, was obliged to make
up their table when asked — I, you know, had
nothing to do with John Company, and didn't
care a cowrie for all Leadenhall-street put to-
gether,— and he said (in confidence of course) to
me — ' You never can win of them.' ' Why? ' said
I. ' Because,' said he, 'they have established a
code.' ' Dear me ! ' said I ; ' what, signals by
looks?' ' No,' said he; ' by words. If Mrs.
Smigsmag is to lead, Smigsmag says, "Dear, be-

GURNEY MARRIED. 1J5

gin." Dear begins with D, so does diamond, and
out comes a diamond from the lady. If he has to
lead, and she says " S., my love, play," she wants
a spade. Smigsmag and spade begin with the same
letter, and, sure enough, down comes a spade.
M Harriet, my dear," says Smigsmag, " how long
you are sorting your cards." Mrs. Smigsmag
stumps down a heart : and a gentle " Come, my
love," on either side, infallibly produces a club.' I
can't stand these family compacts, Gilbert."

I was delighted to find Cuthbert equal to so
much exertion as was required in telling this
story, which produced an observation from Sniggs
that whatever the Smigsmags gained by tricks
they could not make much by their honours. At
which Galenic effusion Mrs. Brandyball fell into
a fit of laughter, and little Jane, who did not
understand in the slightest degree what it meant,
shook her flaxen curls like a newly washed poodle.

" I am sorry," said Harriet to Cuthbert, " that
you have so bad an opinion of us ; I never should
have thought of such a scheme."

" But," said Sniggs, " like the ostler and the

116 GURNEY MARRIED.

priest, now you have been told how the matter
may be managed, perhaps you will avail your-
selves of the information."

" No," said Cuthbert, " I don't suspect them.
As for myself, I could not take the trouble to
recollect what letter the names of the different
suits begin with."

" Shall I," said Mrs. Brandyball, " relieve you
from the exertion of arranging your cards? Allow
me : many hands make light work. Every con-
dition has its troubles ; without a friend, the world
is a wilderness !"

Saying which, the officious lady sorted Cuth-
bert's hand for him, and resumed her place at
his side, Katharine sitting on his left ; and in this
fashion we went through the prescribed rubbers,
just before the conclusion of which the servants
prepared a "tray" in the ante-room, which Sniggs
invariably called "an excellent trait in our cha-
racter ;" and round which, I must confess, our
little party has frequently enjoyed more soci-
able mirth than it has partaken of during the
whole of the day. Sniggs eyed the arrangements

GURNEY MARRIED. 117

with evident satisfaction, and Mrs. Brandyball
turned her head, almost instinctively, to the
quarter in which the rattling of glasses an-
nounced the approach of some agreeable liquid.
Merman and Fanny needed neither eatables nor
drinkables ; they were living upon themselves, in
a distant corner of the room, feeling immeasur-
ably happy, and looking inconceivably ridicu-
lous.

When the last rubber was ended, much to my
relief, not more on my own account than of poor
dear Harriet, Cuthbert desired Jane to ring the
bell for Hutton, who was wanted to wheel him
into his room, in order that his hands and face
might be washed with rose-water — an ablution
which he seemed to consider indispensably neces-
sary at that period of the evening.

Having broken up from our play, I found
Kate and Jane still remaining fixtures for supper.
However, as it was the night of Mrs. Brandy-
ball's arrival — and her arrival at all was matter
of compliment to their indulgent father-in-law —
there was nothing in that, only they had not

10

118 GURNEY MARRIED.

been in the habit of staying up to supper. Cuth-
bert, having been washed, and refreshed, was
wheeled back ; and we closed round the table, I,
with our new guest on my right hand, and my
mother-in-law on my left.

Sniggs sat on Harriet's right, Cuthbert on her
left, with Kitty, of course, on his right. I had
often heard Sniggs talk of the unwholesomeness
of suppers ; and as often seen him eat voraciously
of them, as, indeed, many men who have at
other times small appetites, trill. Dr. Franklin
was one of Sniggs's favourite authors in the way
of reference : and as I thought that nothing
could be better than bringing the printer to bear
upon the 'pothecary, I went to my library for
five minutes before Cuthbert's return, and " read
up," for an attack upon our Galen, if he should
begin his customary depredations upon our eat-
ables. There he was, sure enough, " pegging
away," as we used to say in my horrid school-
days, at cold fowl, salmagundi, roasted oysters,
and finishing with a piquante bit of devilled
turkey.

GURNEY MARRIED. 119

" Well, Doctor," said I (for a brevet degree
in a country-place like Blissfold is all fair), " I
see you do not exactly practise as you preach."

" None of us do," said Sniggs. " When I
was in town last, I dined with three physicians
of the starving school, and two surgeons sworn
to the Abernethian doctrine. I never saw five
men eat or drink so much in the whole course of
my life ; and, Mr. Gurney," added my Lampedo,
" go where you will, watch the faculty, and you
will find them the greatest gormandizers in the
empire."

" Yes," said I, " at dinner, perhaps, but not
at supper ; recollect what your idol Franklin
says :" and then I came out with my quotation.
" ' In general, mankind, since the improvement
of cookery, eat about twice as much as nature
requires. Suppers are not bad, if we have not
dined ; but restless nights naturally follow hearty
suppers after full dinners. Indeed, as there is a
difference in constitutions, some rest well after
these meals; it costs them only a frightful dream
and an apoplexy, after which they sleep till

]'2Q GURNEY MARRIED.

doomsday. Nothing is more common in the
newspapers than instances of people who, after
eating a hearty supper, are found dead a-bed in
the morning.' "

" Correctly quoted by you, Sir," said Sniggs ;
" and aptly observed by the Doctor ; but sup-
pose, now, I was to tell you that I have had no
dinner — fact. — Three hours at Mrs. Humble-
man's — case of asthma — bad breathing — great
distress — husband wouldn't let me leave her.
He himself dyspeptic, with a slight disposition
to erysipelas. Mrs. Sniggs did not wait for me
— I away to Stephenson the watchmaker's little
girl — second — nice child — scarlatina — fancied
measles — I with her — cup of black tea, weak,
and with dry toast, all I had — here to look at
Master Falwasser's dear little nose. What
could I do? so I only make up the former defi-
ciency of diet."

" It must," said Mrs. Brandyball, " be exceed-
ingly excitatory to witness the various afflictions
of the different domestic circles into which you
are professionally invoked. Experience is the

GURNEY MARRIED. 121

mother of science ; and prevention is better than
cure. However, the longest day must have an
end ; and you must experience a most gratifying
sensation when you return to repose, to think-
that, perhaps, under Providence, you have
been the means of restoring a dear child to a
fond parent — for even the crow thinks its own
bird the fairest ; and greatness of mind is ever
compassionate."

Sniggs, who was not particularly sentimental,
and thought more of his pills and his bills than
of any other thing in the world, looked at our
new friend with an expression of countenance
which I thought rather equivocal, the character
of which was changed into the broad comic when
he perceived her sip somewhat largely from a
tumbler, into which she had previously poured
some particularly strong brandy, which, it must
be admitted, took her by surprise.

Harriet looked at me, and I looked at her ;
and we both laughed. I am sure I have no
notion why. However, as we had laughed, I
thought it was quite absolutely necessary to atone

VOL. I. G

12*2 GURNEY MARRIED.

for the indiscretion by an extra show of atten-
tion : and therefore begged to recommend to her
particular notice a cup which the servant had just
brought in and put down ; and in which there
was something which I thought she would prefer,
since it was evident she was a judge.

The mixture which I advocated, was a peculiar
sort of punch, really not strong, but rich and
agreeable ; and which even Cuthbert, if anybody
would take the trouble to pour it out for him,
would not object to imbibe.

" Thank you Mr. Gurney," said the lady, " it
is never too late to learn ; and although I seldom
indulge in such combinations, your kindness is
such that I find it quite impossible to resist your
delicate attentions. I toill have one glass."

The tumbler was returned, the lady sipped :
and smiled, and smiled and sipped again : her
eyes approved, even before her tongue had
spoken.

" I fear," said Mrs. Brandyball, " the delight-
ful weather which we have been enjoying during
the last few days is drawing to a close. The

GURNEY MARRIED. 12<")

moon's envelopment in that silvery mist augurs
an approaching change, and threatens an acces-
sion of cadent humidity."

" Isn't that mist," said Kitty, " what the as-
trologers call a hayloft ?"

This was fatal. Cuthbert, who was in a nap,
with Kate's arm round his neck, heard it not.
Merman was leaning his head on his hand, with
his nose within three inches of Fanny's mouth,
and heeded it not ; but the eyes of Mrs. Wells,
Harriet, Sniggs and myself met. What to do
was the doubt of a moment : the strucrple was

Do

ineffectual, and we burst into a fit of loud
laughter. Mrs. Brandyball stared, Merman and
Fanny were flurried, Kate tittered, and Cuth-
bert awoke.

g2

CHAPTER IV.

It seemed useless to attempt anything like a
restoration of order or tranquillity after this ex-
plosion about the astrologer and the hay-loft, and
equally impossible to explain to Cuthbert, when
he was awakened into consciousness, what had
actually occurred ; and accordingly Harriet, with
an expressive look at me, rose from the table,
not exactly as if wishing anybody else to follow
her example, but at the same time fully expect-
ing that her move would produce an adjourn-
ment— nor was she wrong ; for our fair visitor,
not exactly knowing the rules and regulations of
the family, which were rather lax in the parti-
cular of " early to bed and early to rise," imme-
diately quitted her scat — having, however, first

GURNEY MARRIED. 125

finished her last tumbler of what in common
parlance was remarkably strong punch. Kitty,
who clung about her with what appeared to me
a parasitical affectation of affection, said to her in
a tone ill suited, as I thought, to her time of life
and position in society —

" Oh, don't go, dear, yet — have another glass.
I'm sure it will do you good."

" No, dearest," said Mrs. Brandyball, with
one of her angelic smiles ; " I always attend to
the dictates of prudence. The draught is nec-
tareous, but time wears on, and dear Mrs. Gur-
ney is already fatigued."

" Yes, but," said Kitty, " you know you
always have three or four glasses at home."

" Never mind, dear love," said Mrs. Brandy-
ball, looking furious, endeavouring to free her-
self from the girl's embrace, and evidently
wishing her — where — it might not be quite
decorous here to mention.

The ladies retired ; Mrs. Wells had gone
home some time before, Wells having sent the
carriage for her from the rectory after it had set

g 3

126 GURNEY MARRIED.

him down : which violation of his promise to
join ns after the early dinner-party broke up, I,
perhaps uncharitably, attributed to a want of the
forbearance which Mrs. Brandyball had recently
exhibited. The adieux of the children and Cuth-
bert occupied nearly a quarter of an hour, and
during their progress Kate enumerated all the
places which she would lionise in the morning
with her dear governess ; and having liberally
detailed the programme of the performance, com-
pletely upset me by telling he?' visitor that it-
would take at least a week to see all the things
worth seeing in the neighbourhood.

I must do Mrs. Brandyball the justice to say
that she endeavoured, or seemed to endeavour,
to moderate the energy of her fair pupil ; and
by mingling with her smiles, approving of the
proposition, sundry deferential looks towards
Harriet, who stood " pageing her heels" while
the animated Miss Falwasser enlarged upon the
loveliness of the coast, and the beauty of the
drives, contrived to convey very evidently her
feeling that the whole of the young lady's

GURNEY MARRIED. 127

arrangements were subject to the control and
permission of the lady of the house.

" Very nice amiable woman," said Cuthbert,
after the party had left the room ; " so natural
— eh — so unaffected."

Sniggs and I exchanged looks.

" What remarkably fine hair she has," said
Sniggs somewhat theatrically, sipping his third
glass of punch.

Cuthbert did not see the point of Galen's
observation, which conveyed to my mind and
that of Merman (who waited to walk home with
the apothecary) all he meant it should, as re-
garded what the Lakers would call the " uni-
versality of her naturalness." In fact, my poor
brother was of so easy a disposition, and so much
readier to admit than dispute, that it never once
entered his head that the ringlets which wan-
toned over Mrs. Brandyball's forehead were
other than indigenous ; and as neither Sniggs
nor myself felt at all desirous to mar the serenity
with which he seemed inclined to view all the
schoolmistress's perfections, or fatigue him with

g4

128 GURNEY MARRIED.

a discussion upon the peculiar merits of the
" soft illusion" with which she contrived to set
off her somewhat matured charms, we allowed
him to continue in his state of credulous bless-
edness, from which it would have been down-
right barbarity to disturb him.

" Will any one tell me what o'clock it is ?"
said Cuthbert. " It is almost time for bed —
dear, dear — what a deal of trouble one takes in
getting up and going to sleep — it is always the
same thing over and over again — just do me the
kindness to ring the bell — thank you — that — ah
— is not that my pocket-handkerchief on the
floor ? — yes, thank you — oh, Hutton, are you
there ? — well — ah — it's only to wheel me to my
room. Good night, good night, Sniggs — no
fear about Tom's eye — eh ?"

" None in the least, Sir," said Sniggs.

" Have you thought any more of what I got
Hutton to write to you about?" said Cuthbert.
" Kitty's ancle-bone — I forgot to talk to you
about it — you'll be here to-morrow — come soon,
and if you have time we'll have one game of

GURNEY MARRIED. 129

chess before luncheon. Good night, Gilbert —
good night, Mr. — psha — dear — Mr. Merman."

And away was he wheeled — having again
invited Sniggs to chess and, par consequence, to
luncheon. Well ! I cannot help it ; I suppose
it must be so.

" Come Sniggs," said I, " let us finish the

jug-"

" What !" said Sniggs, " you are in the jugu-
lar vein to-night, Sir."

I laughed, and should Lave laughed more if
Sniggs had not made the same wretched pun a
hundred times before. Merman did not see
any joke in it, but talked of ringing for his
great-coat, inasmuch as it was desperately cold
in the hall, and he had a cough, and Fanny
desired him to take care of himself. I rang the
bell, and the coat and cloak were brought, and
my guests packed up for departure. I shook
hands with both ; as Merman was leaving the
room he turned suddenly back and said,

" Do you expect me at dinner to-morrou .-"

Now I ask the best tactician in the world

G 5

130 GURNEY MARRIED.

what answer I could give to such a question but
that which I did?

" Too happy to see you."

That I was sincere in saying so, I cannot
assert, and yet the invitation, or rather the ad-
mission, to my house* was sincerely offered. I
have already said I disliked Merman; but those
who were loved by those whom / loved, were
fond of him and enjoyed his society : so that
although, as directly relating to Merman and
myself, that which I said was not true — still, as
affecting the pleasure and amusement of others
upon whom my regards were reflected from her
who was all the world to me, I conscientiously
said that I should be happy to see him. " For
their sakes" was the mental reservation. How-
ever, as he was to come, and I could not hope
to enjoy my much-desired domestic meal while
Mrs. Brandyball stayed, I resolved upon having
Wells of the party, and accordingly begged
Merman, who would in all probability see him
before I should in the morning, to ask him to
join us ; still, I admit wondering to myself how

GURNEY MARRIED. 131

the reverend gentleman came to permit the
affair between Fanny and the Lieutenant to
linger on so long without coming to a decision.
My case had been settled in a fifth part of the
time, although I had never — at least I do not
think I ever had — made any such manifestations of
devotion to Harriet as the Lieutenant has been
exhibiting during the last four or five months.

This circumstance brought to my mind the
often-repeated axiom of my reverend friend
with regard to early marriages, even without
the actual possession of fortune, and the singular
concatenation of circumstances by which, in my
own case, his anticipations, couleur de rose, had
been realized ; and that again brought to my
recollection a most ungenerous and ungracious
comparison on my part between the actual state
of my present circumstances, and the probabilities
of what would have occurred if I had missed my
brother on the day of his return, or if, by any
unforeseen circumstances, he had lost the fortune
he possessed; in which case Harriet and 1 should
have been living upon a much more moderate

g 6

132 GURNEY MARRIED.

scale than we now are, — I, in some way, labouring
to increase my income, and perhaps doing some-
thing to obtain a reputation, as well as profit. To
have contented myself under such circumstances
would have been wise and philosophical ; and
there was nothing wrong or uncourteous in insti-
tuting such a comparison ; the ungraciousness
and the ungenerousness of the process applied
only to the conclusion at which I arrived, that,
although I might have kept two servants instead
of seven or eight, my wife would have had no
carriage ; and my table would have been less
amply covered ; that my house would have been
small, instead of large ; and that I should have
toiled, instead of trifled ; I should have been
independent. I could have sat down quietly
with my nice, kind, good-humoured Harriet, have
enjoyed that ingenuous interchange of thoughts
and opinions, which is the cl^rm of domestic
life, and it' I had had Im'WKI enough, a little
to spare, I might at least have chosen the friend
who should be our guest.

Now this is all wrong. It makes me think

GURNEY MARRIED. 133

I have a bad heart ; that I am ungrateful to
Cuthbert. No, I am not ; but with all his
kindness to me, with all my affection for him, I
am not happy, — I am not at my ease. Then — it
sounds most unfraternal to think of it — he said
he should go to Cheltenham long before dear
Harriet's accouchement ; and I begged him not
to leave us. I suppose that may be the reason
why he seems to have abandoned the intention
altogether; and now I am sorry he does not mean
to go : we should be quieter during her illness ;
but still I ought not to wish him to leave Ash-
mead, if he is happier where he is ; what 1 really
do think, is, that he would be more amused at
Cheltenham than he can possibly be with us;
especially during the period of her confinement.
The Nubleys are gone to town to-day; he is
reduced to Sniggs; Wells is too vivacious for
him; his mind cannot travel fastenouph to catch
Wells's jokes and anecdotes. However, if he
is comfortable, why, we owe him everything ;
and, pah ! — I will not worry myself with thinking
about it. I will bear all the little rubs I meet

134 GURNEY MARRIED.

with, patiently and properly, and keep my tem-
per; or, perhaps, as my temper seems to be at
present by no means good, change it as soon as
possible.

How is it possible, with the strongest possible
fraternal feelings, to maintain this equanimity ?

When I went to bed — yes, there it is — to
bed — Harriet, who had not been particularly
comfortable during the evening, and, poor dear
soul, felt Cuthbert's rebuke about the whist, and
Kitty's pre-eminence in everything more deeply
than, perhaps, was necessary, told me that she
proposed, after breakfast, next day, to drive
over with Fanny in the pony phaeton to call on
a Mrs. Somerton, a great friend of the Wells's,
who had come on a visit at Hallowden, within
about five miles of us. Harriet had always a
persuasive way with her, and, dear love, it re-
quired very little effort on my part to make the
arrangement, that she should drive Fanny, or
Fanny, her, to this place. All that I appre-
hended was, that she might over-exert herself.
However, she laughed kindly at my solicitude.
10

GURNEY MARRIED. 135

and said that, not only she was sure the drive
would do her good, but that she was most
anxious to show whatever civility she might to this
Mrs. Somerton, because, — what, I did not want
to hear — it was something connected with her
family, and why should I argue further? And
so, before taking my last turn round to sleep, I
told her, poor dear, to order her phaeton when
she chose, and to invite Mrs. Somerton to come
to us, if she liked ; and so I dropped into my
slumber, quite satisfied that that matter was
finally arranged.

At breakfast Cuthbert did not appear ; he
had got a pain in his side ; and Hutton had
told him he had better not get up, and so he
desired Hutton, when Mr. Sniggs came, to send
him to his room. Harriet received Mrs. Brandy-
ball with all her wonted good nature ; and Mrs.
Brandyball was more elegant and refined than
ever. Kitty had breakfasted, so had Jane, but
still they were supporters to their governess's
arms, and were, as usual, on her dexter and sinister
side. Tom was proscribed, much to my delight ;

136 GURNEY MARRIED.

Kitty having denounced him as not presentable
with a piece of plaister on his face, cut diagonally,
and stuck over his mouth, like a hatchment over
a window.

Mrs. Brandyball seemed to enjoy her break-
fast ; she ate eggs, broiled ham, and gibier an
gratin, tasted of absent Cuthbert's curry, admired
the way in which the rice was served dry, ven-
tured upon one rognon, extremely well served,
(although without Champagne,) and concluded
her matitunal meal with the upper half of a
peculiar sort of buttered cake, for which my
cook was really famous, not only in the modern
fal-lal acceptation of the word, in which good
wine, of which nobody ever heard, is called
famous, or a well-sized room, or a well-formed
horse, is designated by the same adjective ;
but because she (for it was a she) was really
famous in the neighbourhood for her excellence
in contriving a delusive, delicious, and destruc-
tive compound of something that seemed light
and melting in the mouth, but which was in
fact of the heaviest and most indigestible order ;

GURNEY MARRIED. 137

and which, when well saturated with butter, was
at once one of the most agreeable and most
dreadful things ever invented, always excepting
a before-mentioned Shrapnell shell or a Con-
greve rocket.

I looked at my bonny Brandyball as she fed, as
I had been wont to look, as a boy, at Garnerin's
balloons, when the method of filling them was
much more tedious and expensive than it after-
wards became ; and my feeling — save and ex-
cept that the materiel was my own — was not
very dissimilar from that which I had upon
those occasions experienced ; for, although the
process went on with what appeared to me most
admirable success, I could perceive no visible
effect, nor the slightest disposition on her part to
rise, although we had all long concluded our
operations in the way of feeding.

Everything, however, must have an end, and
so at length had our breakfast; and then came
the awkward dawdling time in which people
huddle about the fire, or go into corners to write
letters, or begin to make plans for the day's

138 GURNEY MARRIED.

amusement, and I betook myself to my library,
where, even in the present state of domestic
disarrangement, I had still a shelter and retreat,
which, however, I might not have so securely
retained, if I had not adopted the precaution of
keeping the door closed, not only when I was
out of the room, but when I was in it, by means
of what Sniggs facetiously called my " Lock
upon the Human Understanding," the key of
which never left my pocket.

This sounds illiberal and churlish ; but I love
books dearly. I venerate them; and it pains
my heart, and grieves my sight, to see them ill-
treated. If the Miss Falwassers and their
brother had free access to my library, a week
would not elapse before every volume which had
"pictures" in it, would be lugged out of its place,
rumpled, strained backwards, thumbed, and tum-
bled ; my portfolios would be emptied ; and if
their contents were replaced, their edges would
be cut with the strings destined for their pre-
servation,— for as to reading, the boy, I believe,
cannot compass the performance, and the girls

GURNEY MARRIED. 139

would inevitably take but one line, and reject-
ing as dull and nonsensical all the sterling works
in our language, whence they might derive in-
struction and improvement, mount my fairy
ladder, to reach from the top shelves, to which
they have been banished, the plays and novels
which have come into my possession, either as
presentation copies from their authors, or as
alloy to some valuable lot which I have bought
at an auction.

It is quite true that, in the ardent desire for
money-making at the time of our equivocal
success in South America, a certain great Lon-
don speculator, who shall be nameless, was, in
his ignorance of the customs and climate of that
part of the world, induced to send out thither a
large investment of skates and warming-pans,
which, considering all things, was not likely to
turn out profitably. His supracargo, however,
managed to make his money for him, although
the first appearance of the speculation was
beyond measure melancholy.

" Warming-pans !" exclaimed one of the in-

140 GURNEY MARRIED.

habitants ; " skates !" cried another. What ab-
surdity! — what folly! — what madness ! — and the
little children patted the pans and danced to the
music, and the women rubbed the sharp edges
of the skates, and laughed at the English mode
of making shoes with sharp soles.

At length, however, things grew better, —
pans and skates looked up. Amongst the visitors
to the store came one day a monk, who was, like
Tom Thumb's cow, —

" Larger than the largest size."

His keen eye twinkled as he looked at one of
the warming-pans, — he opened it, — ran his
finger round the bottom of it, — chuckled with
delight at some inward conceit, — bought it, and
had it sent to his convent.

The next day brought several more of the
priesthood to buy warming-pans, and the cir-
cumstance induced the supracargo to inquire of
one of their Reverences what had so suddenly
brought an implement so apparently useless into
fashion. " You will sell them all," said the

GURNEY MARRIED. 141

Padre ; " they are the very things we wanted.
We have everything in the world good to eat
here, but no good things to cook with. Father
Francis has started the notion that these will
make excellent stew-pans, — he secured the first
for himself; — the notion has spread, and if you
had five hundred pans you would sell them all."
Now, a supracargo of moderate intellect would
have rejoiced mightily in so fortunate a disposal
of half his principal's absurd commodity, and
have put up with the loss of the skates, for
which no possible use could be found. Our
supracargo was not of that sort. His name was
Mackenzie ; and the moment the friars and
stewers had confided their secret to him, he
immediately drew up, and, in reply to the in-
creasing demand for the article now in such re-
quest, stated as a condition absolutely inevitable,
that every man, woman, or child, who bought
one warming-pan should buy two pairs of skates,
— two warming-pans, four pairs of skates, and so
on ad infinitum. The result was obvious; the
warming-pans had become sine-qua-nons, and the
skates were therefore purchased, because without

142 GURNEY MARRIED.

them the pans could not have been procured : by
which ruse Mr. Mackenzie disposed of the whole
investment, and to this moment the kitchens of
Rio de Janeiro are stored with the warming-
pans, and the museums of their masters deco-
rated with the skates.

So in an auction, the Mackenzies of the trade
are sure to assort the lots in a similar manner.
Trash and absurdity are cunningly blended with
worth and merit ; and if you want to buy a
warming-pan work fit for a library, you are
forced to take with it some four or five pairs
of skates in the shape of so many volumes of
unserviceable trash.

Out of this refuse matter Miss Falwasser
would have been sure to select works for her
edification ; and besides all my tender solicitude
for my library, I felt so much for myself as to
conclude that it would be less offensive to keep
the room always locked than it would be to lock
it when I was in it myself; and to have been
subjected to an inroad there would have been
unbearable.

From my place of refuge I did not emerge

GURNEY MARRIED. 143

until luncheon was announced, at which I pre-
sented myself, and found, as I did not expect
(for I had forgotten the arrangement), Sniggs
and Cuthbert apparently asleep over the chess-
board, the only sign of life or liveliness betrayed
by either of them being a very subdued noise
made by Cuthbert in the way of whistling his
one only tune, which was the air of a song in, or
rather out of a farce called " My Grandmother ;"
the burden of which is composed of these words —
" 'Tis a favour, Sir, I must deny, oh fie !"

More of the song I never heard, nor do I know
what might have been the favour denied by the
lady who sings, nor why she should exclaim
" Oh fie !" All I do know is, that this one line,
either whistled or sung, but almost always whis-
tled, in the softest possible tone, was Cuthbert's
universal practice at all times when he had occa-
sion to do what he called think.

Cuthbert's performance of this one sweet
strain, always reminded me of the performance
of an old blind man who, a few years since, was
in the habit of perambulating the streets in the

144 GURNEY MARRIED.

neighbourhood of Grosvenor-square, who was
fully persuaded himself, and probably hoped to
persuade other people, that he was playing upon
the bagpipes; he went through all the mo-
tions of blowing the bellows under his arm, and
even aiding the essential flatulency of his instru-
ment by blowing into an auxiliary tube with
his mouth, while his fingers performed all the
necessary movements upon the keys ; but sound
made he none. Hence a nobleman, whose
eminent talents and delightful manners have
endeared him to all who know him, and to
no one more justly than to myself, has given
him the sobriquet of the " Confidential Bag-
piper." Cuthbert's whistle was equally private
and confidential ; it would have fatigued him too
much to make it audible.

" Good morning Sir," said Sniggs : " fine day
— healthy invigorating weather."

" Ah, Gilbert," said Cuthbert, " how d'ye do,
my dear fellow ? Well, I don't see how that
queen is to be got out of check. Tom is quite
well, Gilbert, — so Sniggs says."

GURNEY MARRIED. 145

" Quite," said Sniggs ; " not a mark of a
bruise to be seen."

" Poor fellow !" said Cuthbert, and then a
little whistle. " I'll finish this game after
luncheon."

« Where's Mrs. Brandyball ?" said I.

" Oh," said Cuthbert, "she is gone with Kate
and Jane to the Rectory. I told them they
would get some luncheon there, and, as the day
was so fine, I thought they might show their
governess the park, and so come round by Hans-
ford, and look at the view from Fellsbury Hill.
I recollect the day you got me there, I was quite
delighted with the prospect."

" But," said I, " they will be tired to death :
why, my dear Cuthbert, the route you have
given them is little less than nine miles."

" Well, my dear fellow," said Cuthbert,
" what's that — nothing ?"

" I think," said I, " if you had to walk nine
miles, you would consider it something, Cuth-
bert."

" Ay," said my brother, " to walk, I grant

VOL. I. II

146 GURNEY MARRIED.

you. 1 should as soon think of walking to Jeru-
salem, as Parson Whalley did in my father's time ;
but, for horses — and horses that have not too
much work at any time — it is only wholesome
exercise."

" Horses !" said I ; " what horses have they
got?"

" They have got the phaeton," said Cuthbert.
" I told Hutton to tell the coachman to get it
ready for them; and Kate drives, you know,
remarkably well, — and the ponies are so quiet,
— and she is so fond of driving, — not that I
should let her drive horses that were not perfectly
quiet. I'm sure since that day when I and my
father were coming along the road by Shooter's
Hill, where that place like Severndroog is
built »

" Yes," said I, interrupting somewhat more
sharply than was my wont, seeing that I was
both vexed and angry : " but, my dear Cuth-
bert, Harriet wanted the phaeton to go call on a
Mrs. Somebody at Hallowden, — a remarkably
pretty drive, — in which she meant to invite Mrs.

GURNEY MARRIED. 147

Brandyball to accompany her; — she made a
point of going to-day, and I concluded had
ordered the carriage."

" No, Sir," said Hutton, who was wheeling
his master to the luncheon-table, " the carriage
was not ordered when my master sent me to see
about it. Mrs. Gurney sent down since, but
then the young ladies were gone."

I could not trust myself with any remark, so I
took the prudent course of leaving the room,
and going in search of Harriet, whom I found in
her boudoir, looking exactly as cheerful and un-
concerned as if no liberty had been taken with
her rights and privileges, and she had not been
disappointed in her drive, and frustrated in her
civil intentions towards both Mrs. Somerton and
our volunteer guest.

" It was my fault, dear," said Harriet ; " I
forgot to order the phaeton after breakfast,
and "

" That may be, Harry," said I ; " but what
I complain of is, that anybody here should for-
get to ask your leave before they ordered it."

h *2

5

148 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Oh, never mind," said Harriet. " The day
is not so fine as it was, and perhaps it will rain,
and perhaps I might have caught cold ; besides,
the girls are so very fond of their schoolmistress,
and it amuses her, and I can go another day.

" You are a dear, kind, good soul, Harriet
said I ; " but you must not, and shall not, be
overlooked and degraded in your own house.
The carriage and horses are yours, and "

" So they are, love," said Harriet; "but it
was cousin Cuthbert who gave them to me.
Recollect that, dear Gilbert ; recollect how much
we owe him."

" I do, Harriet dear," said I ; " and, as far as
I can judge, it is not likely that I shall very soon
be permitted to forget it. However, a gift, to
be valuable, or even receivable, must be com-
plete ; and the moment he presented you with
that carriage, all his interest in, and control over
it, ceased and determined."

" My dear Gilbert," said Harriet, " what you
are now saying must be something you learned
in the Temple, when they were going to make

1'2

GURNEY MARRIED. 149

a lawyer of you. Never let us cherish an un-
kindly thought towards kind Cuthbert. I believe
sometimes Kitty's pertness and Tom's rudeness
flurry me a little. I feel angry and vexed at
times, — angry that I am vexed, and vexed that I
am angry. But all this is temporary ; a few
more days, and quiet will be restored."

" Where is Fanny?" said I.

" Why, Fanny is gone home," said Harriet.
" Papa has sent for her ; but he brings her back
to dinner. I don't exactly know, but I rather
think her visit to the Rectory has something to
do with the affair of your friend Lieutenant Mer-
man. I don't know, because papa's note merely
begs her to come home ; but I cannot understand
what else could have required her presence."

" I think," said I, " it is quite time some-
thing should be done decisively in that busi-
ness. I admit that I never liked him since "

" I remember the moment right well," said
Harriet: " it was when I was foolish and Missy
enough to try and make you jealous of him, —
wasn't that the time? and isn't that the cause of

H 3

150 GURNEY MARRIED.

your disinclination from him ? I know it is.
But you have forgiven me"

" Yes, dear, yes," said I. " Forgiven you ?
— to be sure I have, and forgotten the whole
affair," — which, in truth, I had not, nor any one
incident that ever occurred during my uncon-
scious courtship of my darling wife.

It is curious how the minutest circumstances
are registered in the mind, with which the
object of our affections is in any degree con-
nected. I remember, as well as if it were but
yesterday, while walking with Harriet and her
father, and her little sister, in their gay and
blooming garden, I gathered a beautiful half-
budded rose. I placed it in the button-hole of
my coat, and walked on, talking as we had been
talking before ; nor was it till my eyes rested for
a moment on those of Harriet, that I felt a con-
viction of my selfishness, and a consciousness
that she had expected I was gathering it for her,
and that she had been disappointed when I
appropriated it to myself. Now, absurd as it
may seem, although I never have so far betrayed

GURNEY MARRIED. 151

my weakness as to mention this trifling circum-
stance to her, I never, to this moment, think of
it without regret and discontent.

" Come to luncheon, dear," said I. " Cuth-
bert is there, and I left him somewhat abruptly ;
for I was vexed."

" Gilbert, dearest," said Harriet, leaning on
my arm, and looking in my face with an ingenu-
ousness neither to be affected nor mistaken,
" never, never be vexed about anything in which
I am concerned. Believe me, I am too happy
to make your happiness ; and as for all this
matter, what does it signify whether I went
to-day to make my visit, or go to-morrow?
Promise me, dear love, to let nothing of this
sort put you the least out of the way."

Could I help kissing her white forehead, and
pressing her to my heart? I think I should
have gone the length of kissing her rosy lips too,
had not her maid come into the room at the mo-
ment, to say that Mr. Cuthbert had sent up word
by Hutton that he and Mr. Sniggs were waiting

h 4

152 GURNEY MARRIED.

for us. There it was again ! — not even master
of five minutes. Mr. Sniggs, indeed !

" Come, then, dear," said I to Harriet ; and
down stairs we went : and there we found the late
antagonists making common cause in a servile
war upon some grilled and minced fowl, Cuth-
bert having, under medical advice, fallen to,
lest he should lose the appetite which the smell
of the diablerie of my ingenious cook had excited.
The sight of luncheon immediately brought to
my mind the peculiar awkwardness of Mrs.
BrandybalFs appearance at the Rectory, with
her two sparkling satellites, on a morning which,
from what Harriet had told me, seemed to be
" big with the fate of Merman and of Fan."

While I was helping dear Harriet to " the
least bit of cold chicken in the world," the
servant brought me a note. I opened and read
it. Its contents were, to me, convincing that I
had not mistaken my Lieutenant. I threw it
across the table to Harriet, who ran her eyes
over it, and returned it, saying only, " Well,"

GURNEY MARRIED. 1 58

which I myself have a habit of saying upon
many occasions when it would not be well to
say anything more. The contents of the note
were these lines : —

" Dear Sir, — I regret that a compulsory
visit to London this afternoon will prevent my
having the pleasure of dining with you to-day,
as I had proposed.

Yours, very truly,

" J. Merman."

" That's odd, Harry," said I, as I jerked off
the wing of the chicken.

" Yes," said Harriet, " very odd indeed, con-
sidering."

" I am not sorry," said I, cutting her the
thinnest imaginable slice of ham, " even if it be
as I suppose from this"

" I am," replied my wife, " for her sake."

" It is for her sake," answered I, " that I am
not."

" Is that an invitation ?" said Cuthbert.

" No," said I ; " on the contrary, a refusal of

one."

h 5

154 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Oh !" continued he ; " because I hear that
some lady — I did hear her name, but, ah dear,
I forget — is going to give a juvenile fancy ball,
and I was going to ask if you knew her —
Hutton can't tell me — because I think my little
girls would — ah, would like to go, if they were
invited ?"

" There is to be a thing of the sort," said
Sniggs, " at Mrs. Trig-ley's, I believe. Tall
woman, in a green bonnet — sits opposite the
churchwardens — amiable person — subject to jaun-
dice— had a slight touch of epilepsy about four
years since — nice house for the purpose — bad
aspect — dampish — I take it — rather troubled with
sciatica."

" And when is this to be ?" said I.

" I think in about a fortnight," said Sniggs.

" We don't know her," said Harriet.

" I think," said Cuthbert, " Bessy Wells told
Kate that the Wells's know her ; and so I said,
if she could manage it, she and Jane might go :
and Kate was saying something of having a
little thing of the sort here. I believe Mr.

GURNEY MARRIED. 155

Kittington, the dancing-master, put it into her
head first ; — of course these people are anxious
to show off their pupils to the best advantage."

I could not stand this, so I made no reply ;
but only said " Well" again, as Harriet had said
before, and drank a glass of wine.

I saw Harriet looked worried and vexed at
Merman's note, which it was clear to me she
considered the avant courier of some unpleasant
family news. She was evidently engrossed with
her own thoughts, and left us as soon as she
possibly could.

There is something like prescience, something
intuitively quick about women when matters
connected with these affaires cle cozur come under
their notice. It might, to be sure, have been,
in this instance, that Fanny had made her sister
1 to a certain degree her confidante. What struck
me was, that my reverend father-in-law had been
drawing matters to a conclusion with the Lieu-
tenant, but having chosen the morning rather
than the evening for the conference, the result
had not been quite so successful as that oi

h 6

156 GURNEY MARRIED.

our winding-up conversation upon a probably
similar topic.

Fanny returned to Ashmead between four and
five o'clock, and hurried unseen to Harriet's
sanctum, and when I saw my poor little wife
again I saw she had been crying. She begged
me to excuse her to Mrs. Brandyball for her
absence from dinner, on the plea of indisposition
— the fact being, that she and Fanny intended
to devote the rest of the day to talk over the
important events of the morning.

Mrs. Brandyball returned alone in the car-
riage— the independent Kate having accepted
for herself and her sister an invitation from Bessy
Wells to stay at the Rectory and pass the even-
ing, which could be perfectly well managed, and
without any inconvenience, inasmuch as they
could come home in the carriage which would
be sent to fetch the Rector, who was to dine
with us.

Our fair guest was profuse in her expressions
of admiration of the neighbourhood, of the
Rectory, of the Wells's, of my horses, of my

GURNEY MARRIED. 157

phaeton, of Kitty's driving, and, in short, of
everything in any way connected with us ; for
it struck me that her great object was to
" butter" Cuthbert, to whom she looked up as
a patron at least; nor was I without some
slight suspicion that in her disinterested remarks
about his visit to the neighbourhood of her semi-
nary, she even carried her intentions the whole
length of succeeding to the maternal control of
the young ladies by a nearer and dearer claim
than that of their governess.

" Have you sent for Sniggs ?" said Cuthbert
to me.

" No— why ?" asked I.

" I thought," said my brother — " I may be
mistaken — but I thought you said Harriet was
unwell. Wouldn't it be better — eh — to — don't
you think "

" Oh no," replied I ; " her illness is not of a
serious character. I rather think she and her
sister have something to talk over."

" We saw Miss Fanny at the Rectory," said
Mrs. Brandyball, " and Mr. Merman was there.

158 GURNEY MARRIED.

I asked liim if he were to be of our domestic
circle here to-day; but he replied with an
unusual degree of abruptness, that he was en-
gaged elsewhere. Vanity makes men ridiculous
— pride, odious. I know the Lieutenant is a
great favourite here; but his manner to-day
was not so gracious as it is ordinarily wont
to be."

" He has written to me," said I, " to tell me
he has been obliged to go to London."

" Ah, poor man, I pity him," said the lady ;
" the city for wealth, the country for health ; and
whatever allurements the society of the metro-
polis may display to the youthful mind, the calm
repose of the umbrageous grove, overhanging
the limpid stream, has in it a charm for delicate
minds which is not to be found in busier
scenes."

" You are quite right, Ma'am," said Cuth-
bert; " what can be more delightful? I often
get Hutton to wheel me down to the edge of our
little river here, and make him throw bits of
bread into the water, and there I sit sometimes

8

GURNEY MARRIED. 159

by the hour together, watching the fish come and
eat it. I used to fish myself; but a rod is such
a heavy thing to hold, so I get Ilutton some-
times to stand by me and fish for me ; but he
seldom catches anything, which is perhaps all for
the best; for the hook we know must hurt the
fish ; besides which, it is so much trouble to take
it off, if one does catch one, and put a fresh bait
on, that what is called good sport flurries me —
and as for crowds — oh, dear ! dear ! — nobody
can like a crowd except a pickpocket."

" How imaginative your brother's mind is !"
said Mrs. Brandyball to me, looking quite
seraphic. " I really believe that those who have
resided in oriental climes catch, as it were, that
inspiration which seems to imbue the poetry of
those regions."

I made a sort of assenting noise ; but quite
aware of my inferiority, and looking upon Mrs.
13. as a sort of petticoated Sir William Jones,
did not venture to offer the slightest remark
upon the authors to whom she alluded, and

160 GURNEY MARRIED.

with whom she was of course intimately ac-
quainted.

It seemed clear to me, however, that as the
Lieutenant had bolted, and my two ladies in-
tended dining by themselves, and Cuthbert's two
ladies had betaken themselves to the Rectory,
that Cuthbert, Wells, and I should have the
pleasure of Mrs. Brandyball's company all to
ourselves, the which I did not very much dislike,
inasmuch as Wells was just the man to draw her
out, and thus afford me an opportunity of judg-
ing of her intellectual qualities, so that I might
at some subsequent period discuss with Cuthbert
the propriety or inpropriety of keeping the girls
at her school.

We parted to dress, and I of course visited
my darling Harriet. As I suspected, the Lieu-
tenant had behaved shabbily. Wells's sober
arguments with respect to Fanny and his attach-
ment had failed. The Reverend general — the
church-militant — had been defeated. Merman
had, if not money, expectations, and a maiden

GURNEY MARRIED. 161

aunt, which maiden aunt had, it seems, some
twenty thousand pounds, the bulk of which was
to become the property of her nephew, provided
he married a Miss Malony, who was her protegee.
There were several very extraordinary rumours
about the cause of the interest which this young
person created in old Miss Merman's heart — none
of which 1 shall set down, because the characters of
cardinals and old maids are sacred, and nobody
ought to say one word about them ; however, it
was altogether a mystery, into which it appeared
the Lieutenant had only been recently admitted
by the elder lady of the two.

The scene up-stairs was not agreeable ; poor
Fanny was crying. I believe she really had,
under her Papa's sanction, worked herself into a
liking for the Lieutenant. I tried to like him
as a friend — as an acquaintance even — but I
never could achieve it, and I ventured to suggest
the drying up of her tears ; but women are such
kind, tender, affectionate creatures, that my ad-
vice was wasted. What she ever saw in the
man, I never could myself discover. However,

162 GURNEY MARRIED.

he is gone. I am sorry for Fanny, but delighted
as far as 1 am myself concerned.

Wells has just arrived — I hear the rustling of
Mrs. Brandyball's roundabout silk gown in the
gallery. So — in order to make myself particu-
larly acceptable — down I go once more to receive
my guests.

CHAPTER V.

Our dinner progressed, as the Americans say,
most propitiously. Wells was in much better
spirits than I had expected to find him, con-
sidering the recent severe frustration of all his
well-laid schemes for Fanny's matrimonial pro-
motion. He did not in the slightest degree
allude to the circumstance, probably because my
own case had not entirely slipped his memory,
and because any recapitulation of the history of
the Lieutenant's wooing might have recalled to
my recollection some scenes of a similar cha-
racter to those which had been recently acted
at the Rectory, but which had not been produc-
tive of a similar result.

164 GURNEY MARRIED.

Mrs. Brandyball, whose whole aim and object
appeared to be the making everybody round her
pleased with themselves, as the readiest mode of
making everybody present pleased with her,
began her course of experiments in that way by
eulogizing, in her best set terms, the gallant
officer now absent, as one of the most interesting
of his sex.

"I protest," said she, "that I am not like
that particular genus of gallinaceous birds
whose tenderest sensibilities are awakened by
the appearance of sanguineously-coloured cloth,
but I cannot so entirely subdue the natural, and
I hope not altogether reprehensible sentiment
of gratitude which must unquestionably animate
every female heart towards our gallant protectors
in the time of peril."

" Ah," said Cuthbert, " yours is a very
amiable weakness in that respect. What soldiers
have to endure, — ah, those marchings and coun-
termarchings, — eh ?"

" But," continued Mrs. Brandyball, deter-
mined to win the Rector entirely, " I never

GURNEY MARRIED. 165

met with an individual so entirely exempt from
pretension or affectation as Lieutenant Merman.
He appears to me to be unexceptionable."

" Well," said the Reverend Divine, " there
must be tastes of all sorts ; for my part, I think
him as empty a coxcomb as ever stepped — "

Mrs. Brandyball stared with astonishment.

" And 7," said I, " think him odious."

Her eyes opened still wider.

" Ah," said Cuthbert, " do you know I have
never taken the trouble to think whether I like
him or not."

The manner in which our fair visiter was
mystified was exceedingly amusing to us : it
was evident, not only that she felt wonderfully
disappointed by the way in which her eulo-
giums upon the Lieutenant had been received,
but that she set us down as two of the most
hardened hypocrites that ever existed. What
else could she think? — she had seen the man
living constantly with us, — evincing beyond ;:
shadow of doubt his devotion towards my sister-
in-law, and received by her with a corresponding

166 GURNEY MARRIED.

frankness of approval. Wells was in no humour
to soften or qualify what he had said of him,
and I thought I had found out enough of Mrs.
Brandyball's character to be certain that when
she found that we completely threw him over,
she would let him lie in the mire without any
farther attempt at his exaltation.

Tom, who came in with the dessert, had been
upstairs with Harriet and her sister, and, by the
expression of his most expressive countenance,
I was dreadfully apprehensive that he had
picked enough out of their conversation to
understand that the Lieutenant had behaved
somehow ungenteelly, and had received his
conge. The imp looked cunning, and as, be-
sides what he might have extracted from the
dialogue of the sisters, he was extremely fond
of collecting facetice from the servants' hall, it
seemed extremely likely that the real state of the
case had oozed out during the afternoon, and
that he might favour us with the domestic version
of the " soger officer's" inglorious retreat.

Cuthbert, whose consummate skill in the art

GURNEY MARRIED. 167

of child-spoiling I have now watched with more
attention than satisfaction, whenever the girls
were away, bestowed all his favours upon their
lout of a brother, and he had at this period
expressed a wish, which came like a gentle
command, that Tom should take, or seem to
take, a great interest in everything that was
going on.

" Whenever you don't understand anything
that is talked of, Tommy," said my brother,
" always ask me. It is by inquiring, everybody
learns. It will save you a great deal of trouble
in the end." And accordingly Tom felt bound
to be unceasingly inquisitive, always, however,
running poor Cuthbert eventually into a corner,
and thus irritating him as much as it was pos-
sible for him to be irritated by anything. This
questionable system of improvement of course
destroyed anything like rational or even con-
nected conversation during the presence of the
hopeful youth in the dining-room, and knowing
how tiresome his company would be to Harriet

168 GIRNEY MARRIED.

and Fanny, I had not the courage to send him
up to the boudoir, which, as his fair sisters were
out, was the only place which could be appro-
priated to his use.

" I know no more of him personally," said
Wells, speaking of some public man, " than I
do of the Pope of Rome."

" Who is the Pope of Rome, uncle ? " said
Tom.

" My dear boy," said Cuthbert, "he is elected
by the Cardinals."

" What's a cardinal, uncle ?"

" A cardinal, my love, is an ecclesiastical
prince, and a member of the sacred college."

" Yes," said Wells, " and the Roman Catho-
lics hold that, as the Pope represents Moses, so
the cardinals represent the seventy elders."

" They wear red hats," said Mrs. Brandy ball.

" Why do they wear red hats ?" said Tom.

" For the same reason, Master Tommy,"
siid Wells, " that millers wear white ones."

" What's that ?" said Tom.

GURNEY MARRIED. 169

" To keep their heads warm," said Wells.

" How incalculably whimsical you are, Mr.
Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball.

" Did you never hear of any great man who
was called Pope, who never was a cardinal ?" said
Cuthbert, evidently determined to obtain some
share of Mrs. Brandyball's favourable opinion.

" No," said Tom.

" Not Alexander Pope, the poet?" said Cuth-
bert, leading him dexterously to an affirmative.

" No : who was he ?" said Tom.

" Why, Tommy," said Wells, bored to death
by the boy's pertinacity, " he was once called a
note of interrogation."

" What's a note of interrogation ?" said Tom.

" What he was told he was himself, a little
ugly thing that asks questions," said the Rec-
tor.

" Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball,
" that is too severe. To my mind Pope was
not much of a poet."

" To mine," said I, " he appears the greatest
poet we ever had."

i

170 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Who is the best poet now, pappy," said Tom.

" Poet, my dear," said Cuthbert; " never mind,
— I don't know, — I'm sure, — there, now that
will do, don't make a noise, — eat your orange."

" I perfectly agree with you, Mr. Gurney,"
said Mrs. Brandyball, " as to the utility of the
system of exciting the development of the men-
tal qualities by the institution of a principle of
inquiry which must, while its results add fresh
stores of information to the questioner, induce a
constant desire for new acquirements."

Wells and I exchanged looks, for although it
may seem most illiberal that we should encou-
rage any doubts or suspicions with regard to the
perfect ebriety of our fair guest, we could not
fail to remark that the long words in which
she dealt rather largely at this period, came
out rather indistinctly ; however, Wells reple-
nished her glass with port wine, which she that
day drank, because she said " the cadent hu-
midity" (Anglice, some rain which had fallen
during the afternoon) " had imparted an agueish
character to the circumambient atmosphere."

GURNEY MARRIED. 171

My position was an awkward one ; whenever
she evinced a disposition to retire, her desti-
nation would be the drawing-room, with no com-
panion save Tom, I therefore did not feel in the
slightest degree desirous of unsettling her ; nor
dare I venture to pay my poor wife a visit, lest the
movement should flurry our fair visitor. I knew
that in the present state of their minds her joining
Harriet and Fanny would be beyond description
disagreeable, so I affected to be exceedingly
snug and comfortable ; and Wells seconding my
efforts to keep the little party together, the lady
gradually warming by the generous influence of
what, in the earlier part of the day, she would
probably have called the " vinous juice," began
proportionably to relinquish all her fine words
and euphonic phrases, until at length her natural
candour led her not only to talk like other people,
but to give us some curious particulars of her
own " life, character, and behaviour," to which
I must say the Hector more ingeniously than
ingenuously led and encouraged her.

" Little pitchers have great ears," said Mrs.

i 2

172 GURNEY MARRIED.

Brandyball ; " Master Tom had better go to his
aunty, — as for my part, I can only say that in
France the ladies never leave the table until the
gentlemen go."

" Or rather," interrupted Wells, " the gen-
tlemen always go when the ladies leave the
table."

" It's the same thing in the end," said Mrs.
Brandyball ; " now what I mean to say is this,
— Mrs. Gurney is unwell, and, I dare say,
would be better pleased with my room than my
company. Indeed, between you and me and
the post, I don't think I am overmuch of a
favourite with her at any time; and so — as I
feel agueish — although the port wine has done
me a great deal of good, I don't want to stir
from where I am till tea-time : we are very
snug where we are — only, to be sure, you may
have something to talk about — parish, as we
say, — in which case I'm off — a nod's as good as
a wink to a blind horse."

" But you are not a blind orse," said Tom,
looking at her with a perfect consciousness that

GURNEY MARRIED. 173

the expression of her countenance, and the
character of her conversation, had undergone a
very decided alteration.

" No, Master Tom," said the lady, " that's
very true."

" No," said Tom ; " no more than hi ham a
little pitcher ; hi'm hup to you, stoopid as you
may fancy me."

" Tommy, love," said Cuthbert, " don't speak
in that manner to Mrs. Brandyball : what would
your sisters say if they heard you ?"

" Say !" said Tom ; " why, they'd laugh like
fun, specially Kitty ; she would tell me to go it
like winkin."

Here the lady telegraphed to me her desire
that Tom should be missing as soon as possible ;
and while she was occupied in this operation,
Wells again replenished her glass, having ascer-
tained that she had arrived at an amiable state
of oblivious mystification, in which, although
she gave some slight evidence of surprise at
finding her goblet, like the Panmure punch-

i3

174 GURNEY MARRIED.

bowl, always full, slie could not exactly recollect
having previously emptied it.

This tampering with her weakness, and minis-
tering to her failings, might have been, by the
more rigid, considered, what is colloquially
called, " taking an unfair advantage," and I
think even I, in my own house, or, what was
so called and considered in the neighbourhood,
should have interposed to prevent the proceed-
ing, had it not been that I felt I was doing
Cuthbert and his daughters-in-law an essential
service in contributing to rub off the plating,
of which I have before written, which he mistook
for precious metal, and by allowing his favourite
the full indulgence in what Kitty had more than
once hinted was, when she was at home, her

" Custom always of the afternoon,"

permit her to exhibit herself in her natural
colours. I confess the signal success which had
crowned the early part of the process, and the

GURNEY MARRIED. 175

suddenness with which the mask had been aban-
doned, rather induced me to sanction its con-
tinuance so long as the lady continued " nothing
loth ;" and so long as no undue influence was
exercised over her to induce her to exceed her
usual limits.

I answered her signal, and was obliged after
all to desire Tom to go and get his tea with
Harriet and Fanny, although it was extremely
disagreeable to do what I knew would, to a cer-
tainty, make them particularly unhappy.

" I'm hoff," said Tom : " hi knows what's
what. She's a-going to let out some of her
rum stories, — and his afraid that I should ear
um."

" Tom, my boy, go when your uncle tells
you," said Cuthbert.

" Oh, nobody wants to stop," said Tom : " I
likes to go to Haunt Fan a precious sight better
than staying here."

And out he went, banging the door after him,
whistling as he crossed the hall, and forthwith
stumped up stairs, to tormenttheconsultingsisters.

i 4

176 GURNEY MARRIED.

" He's a nice boy," said Mrs. Brandyball,
" only, as I said,

' Children pick up words, as pigeons peas,
And utter them again as God shall please.'

And something might be said about somebody
that might as well go no further; as I say, 'pre-
vention is better than cure,' and I hate tattling."

" You are perfectly right," said Wells, with a
look of the profoundest respect, and in a manner
so horribly deferential, that I had nearly burst
into a fit of laughing, although I was in fact in
no very mirthful humour.

" Why, la, Mr. Wells," continued the lady,
who having freed herself from the restraint im-
posed by Tom's presence, went off at score;
" you must naturally think I know a good deal
of the world at my time of life ; and so having
seen what I have seen in it, my proverb is, ' the
least said, sooner mended.' "

Yes, thought I, and I suspect your temporary
forgetfulness of so excellent a maxim at the pre-
sent moment is likely to produce some curious

GURNEY MARRIED. 177

results ; for I saw Cuthbert every now and then
elevate his eyebrows, in a manner for him most
actively expressive of astonishment at what he
heard.

" Why," said the lady, " now I'll tell you ;
you know those two girls of yours are as fond
of me as if I was their own mother. That's mere
nature — all nature — every bit of it nature ; they
never knew their own mother, — then isn't it
natural they should love me? — I have always
been kind to them, and, as Mr. Gurney knows,
never said wrong was the thing they did, though
Kitty's as full of mischief as an egg's full of
meat: — well then — I — so — oh, what was I say-
ing— something "

" You were speaking of the natural affection
of children for their parents," said Wells, who
performed his part in this domestic farce with
the greatest gravity.

" So I was," said the lady ; " and — I had no
mother myself !"

" What ! never, Ma'am ?" said Wells, with a
look of the most serious astonishment.

i 5

178 GURNEY MARRIED.

« Oh, Mr. Wells," said Mrs. Brandyball,
" what a man you are ! you do remind me so of
an uncle of mine at Bristol."

" Oh," said Wells, " then you had an uncle?"

" Two," said the lady ; " and, as you asked, I
had a mother, but she died before I knew any-
thing about her, and that's a very bad thing for
a girl."

" It is indeed," said Cuthbert,

" Sighing like furnace."

" And so," continued she, " I was left a good
deal to myself; and that was, I think, the found-
ation of all my knowledge. I was what they
would call a self-taught genius. I never was
taught nothing on earth by nobody until after I
was married, and then poor Mr. B., who was
mighty particular, — he was a very old man when
I married him — at least I thought so then, — I
don't believe he was near so old as Mr. Gurney,
but he was a deal too old to marry me, — so when
I came out with my P's and Q's — all wrong, you
know — he used to fidget, and look cross, — and
so then I had masters and mistresses, — and got

GURNEY MARRIED. 179

on uncommonly well, — and never having any
family — none of what the advertising servants
call incumbrances — I had plenty of time to de-
vote to myself, and so — as — I say — learning is a
treasure — I — then — poor Mr. B. died — he was
in a very extensive way of business — in the
timber trade — but somehow — I don't recollect
the particulars — when he died, it was found — I
never could understand why — that he had not
left me a farden — no, Mr. Wells, as I'm a living
woman, not the value of a brass farden — nothing
settled on me ; — and there I was — nobody to
help me — my uncle dead — and my father gone
abroad for life."

" What a dreadful position for a female," said
Cuthbert, who, in the tenderness of his heart,
and the intensity of his sympathy in our fair
friend's misfortunes, totally lost sight of the main
points of her history, so candidly — so unconsci-
ously narrated for our edification.

" And what did happen to you?" said Wells.

" Oh," said Mrs. Brandyball, « nothing hap-
pened to me: I began to think what I had best

j G

180 GURNEY MARRIED.

do — and what was easiest to be done ; and j ust
as I was quite at a nonplus, I happened to fall
in with a nice respectable lady who kept the
school I now keep."

" ' Who wore that day the arms which now I wear ;' '

said I, involuntarily.

" No, not arms," said the lady — " school, — oh,
I remember — out of the play — Norval — ha ! ha !
— l On the Grampy Hills,' — that's a very mov-
ing play — it always makes me cry to think of
his poor dear mother."

" My dear Gilbert," said Wells, " you have
interrupted Mrs. Brandyball in her autobio-
graphy."

" Oh, there's not much to tell," said the lady ;
" only my new friend Mrs. Slinkin wanted an
assistant to teach French, Italian, music, geo-
graphy, and astronomy, and a few other little
matters, and so I engaged myself — her great
objection was to my name — which, she said, gave
a notion that 1 was — ha ! ha ! — the idea — ad-
dicted to the use of spirits — but, as I said, what's

GURNEY MARRIED. 181

in a name ? — there's Mr. Young, very old — Mrs.
White, very brown — Mr. Short, very tall — and
Mrs. Little, very big, — and why should not Mrs.
Brandyball be as sober as a judge * ? "

" Why not, indeed !" said Wells, once more
filling up her glass ; " and so, I conclude, you
satisfied your friend ?"

" Quite entirely," said Mrs. Brandyball :
" so I took the situation, and we got on very
comfortably : indeed, the best part of the story
is, I didn't know any of the things I went to
teach, — that is to say, I knew a little of them ;
but what I said was this, I shall learn them all
in time, by teaching the girls, — and so I did —
and so then Mrs. Slinkin made friends with a
Bath doctor, — and he used to recommend Mont-
pelier House as the healthiest place in the neigh-
bourhood,— and so people sent their children
to us, — and then we sent out one or two to
India, — and so made a connexion that way, —
and at last Mrs. Slinkin married the doctor, and

* At the period of which Mr. Gilhert Gurney's papers treat,
James Smith's admirable song upon the subject of similar ano-
malies had not appeared.

182 GURNEY MARRIED.

I stepped into the business ; and now, I'll ven-
ture to say, there is'nt a better conducted school
in all England, Ireland, and Scotland, or Ber-
wick-upon-Tweed."

Whereupon, to my infinite amazement, I be-
held my brother Cuthbert elevate himself to an
angle of forty-five, and say, in the sweetest ima-
ginable tone,

" To that I think I can myself bear testi-
mony. Ha !"

This announcement evidently startled Wells
as much as it had surprised me. However, it
encouraged the lady to a fuller confession, which,
to me and the Rector, was extremely amusing.

" Now," said she, " you see me as I am ; and
I have told you all my history, but I should
never have opened my lips as I have done this
evening if the girls had been here."

I knew by the expression of Wells's counte-
nance that he was dying to ask her whether,
when she talked of opening her lips in the
manner she had done this evening, she meant
for the purposes of oratory or imbibition.

" Everybody is obliged," said she, " to play

GURNEY MARRIED. 183

a part in this world, that's what I mean to say ;
— what's a judge off the bench, wig and gown
aside? — just like other men, to be sure; but
while he is in his court, he must act judge, and
nothing else, — the same with me : — why, if I
was to be natural, as folks call it, and say my
say as I like to say it, I should be thought no
more of than one of my own housemaids, — re-
collect the story of the King and the School-
master ? — to be sure you do. Well, I make the
girls believe their governess the very pink of
perfection, — never hear me talk what I call plain
kitchen English, no, no."

" Well," said I, " for my part, I prefer the
simplest language that can be used ; and I am
sure you will forgive me for saying that I have
never enjoyed any evening since your arrival
here so much as this."

" That's it," said the joyous matron, " I know
that — now, at home, when the girls are gone to
bed — early hours are healthy, not one of 'cm up
at half-past eight — I see no harm in having in a
neighbour or two and enjoying a quiet rubber of

184 GURNEY MARRIED.

whist or a pool at loo — limited, you know. Well,
as I say, there's no immorality in playing cards ;
yet I should not like my girls to catch me at it.
Then, after our cards, we have a bit of supper,
seldom anything hot, for the girls could smell
that ; and, as I always tell them that suppers
are unwholesome, and never allow them a
morsel at night, I should not like them to know
that I eat supper myself. Well, and then, as I
say, what's the harm of a glass of something
warm after one's snack ?"

" Why," said I, " Kitty told us your principle
upon that subject, and even referred to your
practice."

" Ah !" said the the lady, " my Kitty is an
exception to the general rule, — she is the
favourite."

" Thank you, thank you, a thousand times,
Mrs. Brandyball," said Cuthbcrt, nodding his
head approvingly like a china mandarin, " I'm
sure of that."

" I call her one of my pattern-girls, Sir," said
the lady.

GURNEY MARKIED. 185

" I trust," said Cuthbert, " my dear Mrs. B.,
you do not over-fatigue them ?"

" You know, my dear Sir," said the lady, " I
do not. I'll tell you my course. Up at eight,
— prayers, always read by Miss Julietta Tim-
mins, whose grandmother was aunt to the curate
of Cripplesdon, — fine voice, sweet delivery, and
as slow as a slug, — breakfast at nine, — no non-
sense about nerves, — never let them touch tea,
— pure milk-and-water, — the cow and the pump,
— out for an hour, — relaxation in the shrubbery,
— at ten in school, — everything parcelled out, —
method is the only mode of managing the mind,
— seven minutes and a half for geography, —
ditto for knotting hearthrugs, — a quarter of an
hour for French, — ten minutes for astronomy, —
ditto for the use of the globes, — a quarter of an
hour for Italian, — and twenty minutes for mathe-
matics. Then to learn lessons, — dinner at two."

" Very pretty proceedings," said Cuthbert.
" A little of everything, and not too much of
anything."

186 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Exactly so," said Mrs. Brandyball. " Then,
till half-past three, the play-ground, — in again,
— fifteen minutes for music, — six minutes for
algebra, — nine minutes for drawing, — a quarter
of an hour for English history, — six minutes for
hydraulics, under the inspection of Doctor O.,
and nine minutes and a half for ethics and moral
philosophy, — guitar twenty minutes (for those
who learn it), — Newton's Principia and danc-
ing an hour and a half, — the play-ground
again."

" But," said Wells, " do you never parade
them ?"

" Do what ?" said Mrs. Brandyball.

" Take them out to walk ?" said the Rector.

" Never," exclaimed the agreeable hedgehog,
" except to church," bowing complacently, in
order to evince her high respect for the Esta-
blishment. " No, no, Mr. Wells. I keep my
charges all snug within brick walls tipped with
broken bottles. There are but two windows that
overlook my garden, and that only in the winter, —
planted them out, — no peeping into Montpelier."

GURNEY MARRIED. 187

" But," said I, " do you never walk out with
them ?"

" No," said Mrs. Brandyball ; "lam rather
too heavy for exercise, and I can't well trust the
teachers. I have," added she, putting her finger
to her nose, " I have been a teacher myself;
besides, if I did take them, — it's as bad. I say
to them, ' Girls, as you go to church, look
at nobody, — neither to the right nor to the left
— keep your eyes on the ground, my dears;'
and so they do : and when they are at church,
the front of the pew is so high, and the seat
so low, that they can't even get a peep at the
parson."

" That is severe over-much," said Wells.

" Severe !" said Mrs. Brandyball. " You
are a man of the world, Mr. W. Suppose I did
parade them, as you call it, they would look about:
and only think the things they are likely to see
in the streets and the roads. If I walked in
front, how should I know what they were doing
behind my back? If I walked behind them
and came last, where's the use ? — with poke-

188 GURNEY MARRIED.

bonnets on, how can I know what they are doing
with their eyes ? No, no ; I keep them all snug
at home, and then the dear loves have nothing
to put bad notions into their young heads."

" Very proper, indeed !" said Cuthbert.

" Very," said I, looking at Wells, and think-
ing of Miss Falwasser as a pattern Miss of
Montpelier.

" Now, Mrs. Brandyball," said Wells, " allow
me to help you to some more wine." A per-
mission he requested, because she had happened
to remove her glass out of his reach.

" Oh no," said she, " no more ; ' enough is
as good as a feast ;' moderation is one of the
greatest virtues."

" We will order coffee then," said I, " and
have it here; and I will just step up to Harriet
and see how she is."

" Give my best regards," said Mrs. Brandy-
ball, " and say if she wishes to see me I shall
be too happy to go and sit with her and Miss
Wells."

" I will," said I ; and giving directions to the

GURNEY MARRIED. 189

servant to bring the coffee and tea, hastened to
the two ladies to hear what they had been doing?
and report progress with regard to ourselves.

The difference between the appearance of the
room I had left, and that of the boudoir which I
entered, was very striking. The noisy mirth
and chatter of Mrs. Brandyball, the insidious
officiousness of Wells, the supine indifference of
Cuthbert, the blaze of lamps, and the fumes of
wine, were strongly contrasted by the calm sere-
nity of Harriet's sanctum, and the subdued tone
of the conversation in which she and her sister
were engaged. On the table was a box — open —
which contained numerous letters, and I thought
a miniature picture. The box however was closed
the moment I entered, and Harriet's first ques-
tion was, what we had done with the lady ?

" She preferred staying where she was," said
I, " to becoming the sole tenant of the drawing-
room ; and so I have just ordered coffee, in the
dinner-room, and snatched a minute to get to
you. What have you done with the amiable
Tom ?"

190 GURNEY MARRIED.

" He went to bed soon after nine," said
Fanny.

" After nine ?" said I ; " why, what o'clock is
it now ?"

" Considerably past ten," said Harriet.

" I had no idea of such a thing," said I.

" Time flies in agreeable society," replied
Harriet.

" I must not stop," said I, " to tell you how
our time has been passed; but we have had a
scene "

" For which," said my wife, " if Master Tom
is to be believed, I am pretty well prepared. He
came up evidently in a passion with the lady,
and has been amusing us with histories of her
proceedings, derived from his sister Jane, which,
if true, or near the truth, ought to be communi-
cated to Cuthbert."

" All would be unavailing," said I. " After
having heard from her own mouth quite suffi-
cient to render any other evidence against her
unnecessary, he has just now pronounced the
highest eulogium upon her, and declared his

GURNEY MARRIED. 191

unqualified approbation of her establishment. I
shall return to them, and as soon as the carriage
comes for your father, and brings home the
' darlings,' dispose of the party forthwith."

" How is Papa ?" said Fanny ; " is he in good
spirits ?"

" Much as usual," said I ; "he seemed a little
out of sorts at first, but he soon recovered his
usual good temper, and has played off our visitor
to the greatest possible advantage. However,
adieu for the present ; I think half-an-hour will
terminate our sitting."

And down I came, not without having, by
way of reply to Harriet's " Don't be long, love,"
given her one affectionate kiss, which I could
not help fancying made poor Fanny think of the
absent lieutenant, about whom and his proceed-
ings I admit I became rather anxious to know-
something more.

When I returned to the dinner-room, I found
that its occupants had discovered the " time of
night," and that Wells was beginning to wonder
why the carriage had not arrived which was to

12

192 GURNEY MARRIED.

bring back Cuthbert's living treasures, and bear
away the excellent rector himself. However,
coffee and tea were disposed of, and Mrs. Brandy-
ball had in a great degree recovered her com-
posure, and begun to resume her figurative style of
conversation, before any announcement of its
approach was made ; and Cuthbert, who could not
have rested unless he had seen the dear girls be-
fore he went to bed, seemed disposed, late as it
was, to make up his rubber, which, amidst the in-
terest he took in Mrs. Brandyball's autobiogra-
phy, had slipped out of his mind, when, to my
great relief, — for I longed to get up to Harriet,
who was looking ill and wearied, — I heard the
welcome wheels rolling towards the door.

The ringing of bells and barking of dogs soon
confirmed my best anticipations, and Cuthbert's
eyes twinkled with delight as he cast them ex-
pectingly on the door, so soon to be opened to
give to his sight the pattern-girl of Montpelier,
Miss Falwasser. The door was not opened —
the dogs ceased to bark — and everything re-
sumed its wonted quietude, which remained for

10

GURNEY MARRIED. 19.3

two or three minutes unbroken, when at length
Hutton made his appearance, and, approaching
the Rector, said —

" Mrs. Wells sends her love, Sir; the young
ladies were not quite ready to go home, and so
she has sent the carriage for you, which can
bring them back after you have done with it."

Wells looked more surprised than pleased, and
said, " Hem ! oh ! "

" Young rogues," said Cuthbert, " dancing, I
have no doubt."

" Most likely," said Mrs. Brandyball ; " their
Terpsichorean predilections are peculiarly po-
tent."

This resumption of " style " took place be-
cause Cuthbert's servant was in the room, and
it became essential, according to her policy,
to " act her part " before even the meanest
audience.

" Well, then," said Wells, " I suppose, being
sent for, I must go. May I step up and say
good night to the girls ?"

VOL. I. K

J 94 GURNEY MARRIED.

" To be sure," said I.

" Good night, Mrs. Brandyball," said the
Rector, " I will take care and send back the
rose-buds safe."

" Are your horses quite quiet ?" said Cuthbert.

" Steady as rocks," said the Rector.

" Because," said Cuthbert, " I am always
alarmed about horses since an accident which
had very nearly proved fatal to my poor father
and myself, many years ago. We were travel-
ling along the road "

" Yes, I know," said Wells, " Severndroog."

" Oh ! " said my brother, " I have told you —
eh ? I did not recollect — dear, dear ! Hutton,
just lift me up — there — that will do. Don't go
before we have a bit of supper. Mrs. Brandy-
ball says she takes a bit of something cold."

" Oh, not for me" said the lady, "if nobody
else—I "

" Tell them to bring the tray," said I to Hut-
ton, in a fit of desperation, covered ag much as
possible by a look of the most perfect amenity.

GURNEY MARRIED. 195

" I'm off," said Wells, " good night— good
night to both— to all." Saying which he pro-
ceeded to bid adieu to his daughters, and I sup-
pose in some degree to ascertain the state of
Fanny's feelings after the events of the morning.

The conversation began to flag — the lady had
sunk into a sort of repose closely assimilating to
that of Cuthbert ; and I really was not enough
of a hypocrite to appear pleased or even com-
fortable. Cuthbert was wheeled to his room to
be refreshed with eau de Cologne, and Mrs.
Brandyball just stepped up to her room to fetch
her pocket-handkerchief.

The lady returned, Cuthbert was re-wheeled
to his sofa, the sofa was wheeled to the table,
which we drew round, and really it was with dif-
ficulty I did the honours. The haut en has man-
ner in which the girls treated us all, and regard-
less of all the commonest observances of the
rules of society, usurped the carriages and con-
veniences of everybody, not only in the house
but in the neighbourhood, were unbearable ; and
now, at a moment when the mistress of thai

k 2

196 GUItNEY MARRIED.

house was ill — if not in body, certainly in mind,
and was anxious to get to rest early — here was I
forced to remain at my post, helping and serving,
while I knew, let the superficial appearances be
what they might, that the young ladies who were
disturbing all my family arrangements at Ash-
mead, could not fail of being, under the circum-
stances, equally unwelcome guests at the Rec-
tory.

But even this was light compared with what I
had to undergo afterwards. At about half-past
eleven — I having heard Harriet's bell ring for
her maid twenty minutes before — Mrs. Brandy-
ball perceived through the mist that I was
rather uncomfortable, and so she requested me to
ring for her maid and her candle, which I most
readily did — she beginning, I presume, to think
that the sylphs were carrying the joke rather too
far, and resolving, as far as she was concerned, to
get out of the adventure which had originated in
her leaving them at Wells's. Away she went. We
wished her good night. Cuthbert shook her
hand, and they parted affectionately ; and when

GURNEY MARRIED. 197

she was gone I imagined that Cuthbert would be
satisfied with recommending the girls to the care
of their soubrctte, or sending by her or Hutton,
who was equally careful of the young charges,
some kind message, and so betake himself to rest
— but no — not a bit of it.

"Now, Gilbert," said he, "just do me the
favour to push that little table near the sofa —
make me one glass of white wine negus — none
of your — oh dear me ! how my back aches ! —
none of your Sangaree Sangrorum — like the
West Indians — which I have heard folks talk of
— ah ! — and we will have a quiet bit of chat till
the children come home — I cannot go to bed till I
have seen Kitty — and— then — we have had no
whist — ah ! — Sniggs hasn't been here — no — no-
thing of that sort— and when Kitty tells us of all
that has happened — and the — ah ! — the party —
she is such a capital mimic."

I did as I was desired — or, as I felt it, com-
manded—and then concocted a tumbler of ;i
similar mixture for myself — the fire grew dul|

k a

198 GURNEY MARRIED.

— the room grew cold — I could hear the ticking
of the clock in the hall.

" Gilbert," said my brother, " that's a dear
woman — the schoolmistress — ah ! "

A gentle tap at the door interrupted my
answer.

" Come in," said I.

" It's only me, Sir," said Foxcroft, my wife's
maid.

" Do you want me" said I, hourly anticipating
the event which was so materially to add to my
respectability.

" No, Sir," said Foxcroft, " only my mistress
says, as you mayn't come up stairs till late, if
you would recollect that she wishes to have the
carriage to-morrow about twelve."

" Certainly," said I, " I'll remember to order
it."

And then she shut the door, and I returned to
the side of Cuthbert, cut to the heart that poor
Harriet, without meaning the slightest reproach,
should have sent me a quiet humble message to

GURNEY MARRIED. 199

order her own carriage, in order to preserve it
from a seizure on the part of those — I will not
designate them — who were now keeping me out of
my bed to await their return frOm a place where
they had no business to be, to hear the praises
of her who had had no business to leave them
there.

The candles, by which Cuthbert occasionally
fancied he read, were already in the sockets — s
the lamp was glimmering and flickering with a
sort of sputtering noise, the certain avant- courier
of the most unsavoury of smells — still hardly able
to keep his eyes open, my poor*brother went on,
muttering praises of the regularity and good order
of the Montpelier establishment; while I, listen-
ing with the most earnest attention for the ap-
proach of the carriage, watched almost uncon-
sciously the fast-fading fire in the grate. J
began to get exceedingly chilly — the lamp gave
stronger evidence of its proposed departure, and
I was driven to the necessity of lighting my bed-
room candle, to escape the darkness with which
we were threatened. Having done which, I dea-
lt 4

200 GURNEY MARRIED.

patched the lamp somewhat upon the principle
of the butcher's wife, who called to her husband
to come and kill a sick sheep before it died.

Twang went the clock ; one — two — three —
four — five — six — seven — eight — nine — ten —
eleven — twelve.

" It is twelve o'clock," said I.

" What little rakes those girls are !" said
Cuthbert ; " I hope they won't tire themselves
— poor dears ! I dare say they are dancing —
their sainted mother was very fond of reels — but
— ah ! — well — it is what we must all come to —
poor Tom ! — by the way, he didn't come in to
wish us good night."

" He stayed with Harriet and Fanny," said I.

" It is getting coldish," said Cuthbert; "stir
the fire, Gilbert — hadn't you better ring for
some coals?"

" Why," said I, obeying orders, " I suppose
they cannot be much longer — midnight is late
for the Rectory."

" I conclude Harriet is gone to bed," said
Cuthbert, in a tone of voice which satisfied me

GURNEY MARRIED. 201

that he would have been more interested in the
fact of his own favourite cat having been made
up for the night in her well-lined basket.

" Oh yes," said I, " two hours since, I should
think — she is not by any means well." And
then I thought of her " Come soon, love," which
seemed to ring in my ears to a popular air, which
then I fancied I traced in the ticking of the
clock.

" Yaah," said Cuthbert, " I'm getting sleepy
myself."

" Hadn't you better go to bed?" said I.

" No, no," replied my brother, " not till 1
have bid Kitty good-night."

He then relapsed into silence, and to say truth,
I felt no inclination to disturb the tranquillity of
the scene. A quarter after twelve — half past
twelve came; at which period I was about to sug-
gest that something extraordinary must have
happened, but suddenly checked myself, when I
recollected that if Cuthbert's thoughts had been
directed to the possibility of an accident, he
would, with the fear of Blackhcath before his

K 5

202 GURNEY MARRIED.

eyes, have ordered out every man, woman, and
child of the family, in search of his babes in the
wood; so I waited, and, like the turnspit who,
in the Spanish proverb, is made to console him-
self during his work on the culinary treadmill,
with the certainty that " the largest leg of mut-
ton must get done in time," sat to listen for the
ladies, and think of my wife.

At length, just as I pictured Harriet buried
in the happy depth of her first sleep, up drove
the carriage. The footman, no doubt irritated
by being kept up unusually late, and turned out
for a second time, long after midnight, rang the
house-bell with a force and power which made
it reverberate through the hall and staircase
loudly enough to have waked the dead. This
set the three dogs barking all in different keys.
Hutton and the footman hurried to let in the
revellers, upsetting one of the hall chairs in their
haste ; all of which disturbance was followed by
the loudest possible banging down of the car-
riage steps, immediately under my wife's win-
dow; the uproar only concluding after the car-

12

GURNEY MARRIED.

riage-door first, and the house-door next, had
been also banged to and fastened — the former
accompanied by the imprecations of Wells's ser-
vant outside the house, and the latter by the in-
evitable rattling of chains and scraping of bolts
within.

" Well, dearest," said Cuthbert, " you have
made it late — have you been very happy ?"

" Yes, Pappy," said Kitty, " very. Oh, you
mustn't look at me — I'm such a fig-ure ! danced
every bit of curl out of my hair ! I couldn't get
away before — it was all Bessy's doing — her Pa
went to bed the minute he came back, but Mas-
ter Buggins and his cousin Harry loould have
two more dances, and after that, we had three
of the new-fashioned things they call waltzes —
Oh Pappy, it was so nice, and made me so
giddy, and so pleased, you can't think !" *

" And how were you entertained, Jenny?" said
I, standing candle in hand, prepared for a start.

• It was just about the period at which Mr. Gurnoy \\n>r-
this portion of his papers that this irritating indecency, which
lias since been so universally adopted, was first introduced
into English society. Ed

204 GURNEY MARRIED.

" I liked it very well, thank you, Uncle," said
Jane, who looked as white as a sheet, with a pair
of eyes as red as a ferret's.

" Gilbert," said Cuthbert to me, " what do
you think this young lady has been whispering
to me ?"

" That she wants her maid, I suppose," said I.

" No," said Cuthbert, " something else — she
says she should like a little bit of something to
eat."

" Eat ! " said I.

" Yes, uncle," said Kate ; " we had only some
lemonade and cakes, and that was at about half-
past nine, and we dined at two with Bessy,
so "

" Come, come," said Cuthbert, " ring the
bell, Kitty, love, and we'll get you some cold
fowl, or something of that sort, — you would not
like anything warm ? "

" I am afraid," said I, " they arc not likely to
get anything warm. I surmise that Mrs. Habi-
jam (so was my cook named) is fast asleep."

Ilutton made his appearance to answer the

GURNEY MARRIED. 205

bell, for, as lie must inevitably sit up to undress
his master, and put him to bed, he had relieved
my butler.

" Hutton," said Cuthbert, " these young ladies
want something to eat."

" Very well, Sir," said Hutton, in a tone
which sounded like — very ill, Sir.

" Anything, Hutton," said Kate ; " a bit of
cold fowl and some tongue — nothing sweet."

" I'll go and see, Miss," said Hutton.

As I foresaw that Hutton, in order to put the
young lady's commands into execution, must ne-
cessarily call up Mrs. Habijam, who, although my
cook, acted also as housekeeper, in order to get at
the larder, and that my wearied butler must be
" rousted out," to get at the wine, or whatever
other liquid the sylphs might select for their
regale ; and as I beheld Hutton, by way of a pre-
liminary, return to the room with a pair of fresh
candles, and feeling that, as my presence was.
even if agreeable to the trio, by no means essen-
tial to their enjoyments, I ventured to take the
liberty of saying that, as it was growing late, and

206 GURNEY MARRIED.

I had an engagement early in the morning 1
would wish them good night.

To my proposal I found not the slightest ob-
jection made by any one of the company; and
accordingly, having shaken hands with my bro-
ther, and having been kissed boisterously by
Kate, and gently by Jane, I betook myself to
my room, where I found poor Harriet sitting up
in her bed, wondering at the noise in the house
at so late an hour, and fancying ten thousand
things' had happened, about which she had no
opportunity of inquiring.

I will not describe my feelings, because they
are not purely fraternal. The conclusion of the
affair, however, was not the least annoying part
of it, for it was certainly past two before Kate
and her sister came dancing up-stairs to their
room, singing one of the airs to which they had
been whisked about by Master Buggins and his
cousin Henry, so loudly as to wake poor Harriet
from the second sleep into which she had hap-
pily fallen.

What seemed so particularly odd in the whole

GURNEY MARRIED. *207

of this business was, that the day on which so
disagreeable an event had occurred in Wells's
family should have been fixed upon for what
really was an unusual gaiety there. I found,
however, that the little party had been arranged
before the denouement of the Merman affair, and
while he was yet in the house; and that Mrs.
Wells, with the proper spirit of her sex, resolved
that the dismissal of the Lieutenant, which would
be of course the talk of the whole place in a day
or two, should not appear in any degree to have
affected them, or made the slightest alteration in
their arrangements.

I remember seeing once at a country fair a
boy of about ten years of age, in a scarlet jacket
much tinselled, a pair of dirty white trousers,
with flesh-coloured stockings pulled up over them,
his hair being flaxen, and matted, and his face
dirty and painted, performing a hornpipe in front
of a booth, a minute after his father had ffiven
him a most savage horsewhipping for some con-
duct, I suppose, militating against the laws and
customs of the modern Thespians, tin1 effect of

208 GURNEY MARRIED.

which was very remarkable. The poor child
was crying with pain, the tears running down
his well-ochred cheeks, dancing as hard as he
could, accompanied by periodical exclamations
by his respectable parent of, " Jump, you dog, —
go along, Sir, — higher, Sir," which overtopped
the sound of the one fiddle upon which the
child's eldest well-spangled sister was playing
the tune.

The effect was at once ludicrous and painful,
and somehow I could not help associating it in
my mind with Mrs. Wells's uncommonly lively
little party in the evening of the day of the de-
feat of all their well-laid schemes of settlement
for Fanny. — However, I got to sleep at last;
but little did I anticipate what was in store for
me before I should sleep another night.

209

CHAPTER VI.

There is a certain point to which complacency
and forbearance may go, but there is also a cer-
tain point at which they must infallibly stop; and
when I awoke in the morning, and thought over
the events of the preceding evening, and more-
over found my poor Harriet extremely unwell, I
fell to considering what course I could adopt to
rescue her and myself from the unbearable
thraldom in which we found ourselves, without
offending Cuthbert, or, on the other hand, of
evincing a proper sense of gratitude for the
kindnesses he had lavished upon us.

210 GURNEY MARRIED.

I was perfectly satisfied of his entire uncon-
sciousness that he was doing anything either to
distress or inconvenience us ; he felt convinced
that we must like what he liked, or perhaps it
would be nearer the truth to say, that he did not
trouble himself to think much upon the subject.
By this I do not mean that he was indifferent to
our comfort or happiness, but that seeing the
readiness with which all his wishes were com-
plied with, and hearing neither remonstrance nor
complaint, he was not aware that he was, in point
of fact, making us positively miserable.

As the morning wore on, however, I began to
think that my mind was likely to be occupied
with even more important matters. Harriet's
indisposition increased, and I was informed about
seven o'clock by the proper authorities that if
would be advisable to call in medical aid. I
immediately went to Harriet to inquire whether
her disinclination to Sniggs continued as strong
as ever, and in reply was. referred to her mother,
for whom she had sent.

I knew exactly what the result of this refer-

GL'RNEY MARIUED. 211

ence would be. The prejudice entertained by
Mrs. Wells against the unfortunate son of Galen,
however natural, was unconquerably strong ; and
as the tone of Harriet's voice convinced me that
in submitting the subject to her fond parent she
would say nothing likely to remove or mitigate
it, I determined at once to send off a servant to
Dr. Downey, a lady's doctor of considerable re-
putation and extensive practice, who lived within
a very short distance of Winchester. Time it
seemed would not allow of my sending to Lon-
don for a Sir Charles or a Sir John, as I had, with
a view to soothing poor Sniggs's feelings, origi-
nally intended. I was, therefore, compelled to
run the risk of offending him, hoping, however,
in some degree to qualify what I knew would be
considered a grievance, by getting leave to join
him in the commission with the Doctor, who, in
addition to his eminent professional qualities,
was the very pink of politeness, and a universal
favourite.

Finding that the proposed arrangement was
agreeable to Harriet, I forthwith wrote to the

212 GURNEY MARRIED.

Doctor and sent off ray letter, and had the satis-
faction of finding upon Mrs. Wells's arrival that
what I had done met with her entire approba-
tion. From the moment, however, that the
Doctor was sent for and my respected mother-in-
law proceeded to her daughter's room, I felt —
certainly as I had never felt before — my anxiety
had commenced — my worry had begun. I dreaded
lest the Doctor should come too late — that some
unforeseen accident might befall my beloved
Harriet — I felt, in short, as if I had suddenly
become a useless and superfluous member of my
own family; I walked about the hall, went into one
room, and then into another — stopped — listened
— then sat clown ; until at length I resolved upon
going into the grounds, and made a sort of busi-
ness of looking at the celery and sea-kale in the
kitchen garden. The kale covers might have been
bee-hives, the celery trenches an asparagus-bed
for all I cared, and into the house I came again,
when to my horror I heard a sound certainly
most unexpected by me at such a moment: that
of the tuning of a fiddle in the drawing-room next

GURNEY MARRIED. k213

to my wife's bed-chamber. I hurried up-stairs
astounded at such a circumstance, and there be-
held Mr. Kittington, the dancing-master, just in
the act of beginning- the then popular country-
dance of the "Opera Hat," that being fixed upon
for the first practice of the before-breakfast
lesson to the vounjj ladies.

When I entered the room the two pets, dressed
with remarkably short petticoats and dirty white
kid shoes, sprang forward to welcome me, and
expected, I conclude, to see me look remarkably
well pleased.

" My dear girls," said I, " you cannot take
your lesson here, nor, as I think, anywhere else
this morning; Mrs. Gurney is extremely ill, and
the noise will distract her."

" 111," said Jane, " what's the matter with her,
uncle ?"

" Jane," said Kitty, " how can you be so
foolish — she is not very ill, uncle .J"

" Indeed she is," said I.

" And so is Tom," said Jane, " he is all cut
in a rash, and can't see out of his eyes. Pappy

214 GURNEY MARRIED.

is not up yet, but I'll tell him as soon as I

can."

" Indeed !" said I, wondering at the sort of
mind in which my Harriet and Mrs. Falwasser's
Tom could be by any means associated.

During this little colloquy, Mr. Kittington,
in stockinet pantaloons and pumps — time half-
past eight in the morning — stood fiddle in hand,
naturally looking particularly awkward.

" I tell you what we can do," said Kate, " we
can go and take our lesson in the laundry, be-
cause I know it will vex Pappy if we lose it
altogether."

" It is," said I, " indeed an essential point
in your education."

" Besides," added Kate, " Mr. Kittington
has had to come so early on purpose to give

it us."

" Do what you please, my love," said I, " only
I assure you Harriet is not well enough to bear
the noise here."

I did this civilly and quietly, although I felt
sick and wretched, because I did not like to allow

GUItNEY MARRIED. 215

the dancing-master to see that the domination of
the Fahvassers was so irksome to us as it really
was, and because I did not wish the professor of
the Terpsichorean art — or science — as the case
may be, to think that I underrated either the
importance of the study, or his own personal
assiduity in giving his attendance ; and so I con-
clude they did retire to the laundry, for I heard
no more fiddling, nor did I see the young ladies,
as it turned out, till a late period of the day.

I sent for Foxcroft, inquired how her mistress
was, not daring to venture near the room my-
self. She told me that she was going on very well.
This satisfied me ; I did not quite understand
what it meant ; but the words " very well," con-
veyed to my mind the intelligence generally
which I wished to receive. I went to the break-
fast-room ; there everything was in order —
comfortable and proper — just the same as if
Harriet had been in perfect health. So it is if
the master of a house dies — the whole establish-
ment goes on seemingly of itself, for a week or
two, without being in the slightest degree affected

216 GURNEY MARRIED.

by his disappearance. This arises from the
fact, that after all the discussions and disserta-
tions upon feeling and gratitude and affection,
and all the rest of it, in the relative position of
servant and master, there is nothing in either
death or destruction sufficiently strong to break
in upon the routine of duty so long as it is paid
for. The man who cleans the plate, cleans it as
energetically, while the man* whose plate it was
three days before, lies upon tressels screwed up
in his coffin, as he did that day week, when the
defunct used his portion of it. Kittington, the
dancing-master, in his stockinets and pumps,
would just as enthusiastically have taught my
half or three-quarter nieces (whichever they are)
to jump and wriggle and twist, to the tune of the
"Opera Hat," if Harriet had been lying dead in
the next room, instead of being only seriously
indisposed : and so it is in all callings and pro-
fessions. Hamlet, we all know, asks Horatio,
speaking of the grave- digger —

" Hath this fellow no feeling in liis trade '"

And as Shakspeare shows in every line he has

11

GURNEY MARRIED. 217

written the most perfect knowledge of human
nature that man without inspiration — was it with-
out ? — ever possessed, it may be thought absurd
to say one syllable more upon the subject, except
that although still young I have lived long enough
to observe, that so far from a man not having1 a
feeling in his business, it is completely the re-
verse ; his feeling in his business is so strong, that
it supersedes any feeling towards any trade except
his own. Send for your carpenter, bid him put you
up some fifty yards of treillage whereupon you
wish your jessamines and honeysuckles to twine,
or over which you propose your clustering ivy to
creep; his point is the treillage, and in order
that he may make what he thinks a workman-
like job of the treillage, half your jessamines and
honeysuckles and two-thirds of your ivy are de-
stroyed. To him follows the painter, who cares
as little for the carpenter as he does for the
remnant of your shrubs and climbers ; he, onlv
desirous of setting himself off as an artist in his
way, not only paints the treillage, but covers with
his iiicisiule green — visible to the naked eye —

VOL. I. L

218 GURNEY MARRIED.

the stems, branches, and leaves of every one of
the pet plants, which unconsciously conniving
at your scheme of screening, are good enough
to intertwine themselves in your treillage. The
bricklayer heedlessly annihilates the efforts of
the painter, in making his work strong and good
which is to support the superstructure ; and the
plumber, who comes to consolidate certain corners
and crannies, completes the job by sending his
Etna-like rivers of boiling lead over the roots of
the unhappy specimens for which all the pains
have been taken and all the pence expended.

I remember hearing Mathews, who, as the
reader knows, was my first enticer to dramatic-
writing, tell a story of a man who had made,
with exquisite neatness and beauty, so far as the
word is applicable to such a subject, a Hessian
boot, the height of which did not exceed three
or four inches, but the sole and body of which pre-
sented as beautiful a specimen of workmanship as
ever was seen. Mathews was delighted with the
ingenuity and skill displayed in the construction
of this little hijoii, and offered to buy it. The

GURNEY MARRIED. 219

artist declined selling it. Mathews then pro-
posed that he should let him have a repetition of
it. The difference between a repetition and a
copy has been established by Lawrence and
other illustrious painters. " No, Sir," said the
man, " I would do anything- for you that I
could do for anybody, but I made that little
boot in a moment of enthusiasm, arid I feel
confident that I never could make another
like it."

This is a proof that a man may be really en-
thusiastic, and have the powerful " feeling of his
I Miriness," which I contend generally exists, and
which ought always to exist to ensure success ;
and I say so, not only upon Dr. Johnson's prin-
ciple, that, whatever is worth doing, is worth
doing well, but because I am certain that, unless
a man believe the particular pursuit in which he
is engaged, let it be what it may, to be vitally
important to society at large, he never will be
anything in the craft or trade which he may have
adopted.

I have spoken of one actor — whose whole

l2

'220 GURNEY MARRIED.

heart and mind are occupied in Lis profession,
Mathews — and not only are his heart and
mind engaged in it, as the " means whereby
lie doth sustain his house ;" but they are more
honourably and more enthusiastically involved
in an anxiety to uphold the character of
the profession which he so brightly adorns.
Terry — a man of great reading — of powerful
intellect — and of high available talent — has but
recently come amongst us; but if I prophecy
aright, Terry will never attain his just rank as
an actor. The reason is plain ; he treats his art
as a trade, and feels always disposed to laugh at
himself, even when he is on the edge of a great
performance. If he take a fancy to a part, he
will act it, con amore, but only as a joke ; and
although still new to the London boards, it i*
clear to me that las perception of the ridiculous,
makes him sneer at the success which his not
half-developed powers procure him : so, as I have
already said, it is with all men ; and as a proof
how far the " enthusiasm of the moment" will
carry me, I will write down here, that which, as

GURNF.Y MARRIED. 221

I never read what I write, and as my papers
are not intended for the public eye, or public-
criticism, it does not much matter if I have
written down before, a dialogue I once over-
heard between two scavengers at the corner of
Spring-gardens.

They were sweeping up the mud, and spoon-
ing it into a cart with an almost inevitable cer-
tainty of Shrapnelizing the " passing villagers,"
when in a pause from their labours, one, he
with the shovel, said to the other, " I say, Bill,
what's gone with Jim, I han't seen him about a
long time ?"

" Can't say," said Broom ; " I guess as how
som'think's happened to him unforseen."

" He was a good un," said Scoop.

" Yes," said he of the besom, " he was a
smartish chap at a crossing, or anything straight
forward; but as for a bit of fancy work, sweep-
ing round a post, or anything o' that sort, he
hadn't no kind of taste whatsumever."

If I am inadvertently repeating myself, I
l3

222 GURNEY MARRIED.

cannot help it; the dialogue seems wonderfully
well calculated to exhibit

" A ruling passion, strong in mud."

And still better to prove the justice of my origi-
nal aphorism, that, without enthusiasm, all labour
is in vain.

When the young ladies, who seemed entirely
to sympathise with the dancing master as to the
importance of the lesson, had flitted to the laun-
dry as a fit scene of action, I waited impatiently
for — what I could hardly define. Cuthbert at
length got up, was dressed, and, as usual, wheeled
in to breakfast, but Mrs. Brandyball pleaded
headache, I have every just reason for thinking
sincerely, and did not make her appearance;
Cuthbert and I were therefore ttte-u-tete at the
morning's repast.

" Poor Tommy," said Cuthbert, " is — ah,
dear — very unwell ; he came to see me while
Ilutton was getting me up ; he is all over red
spots, — I must send for Sniggs after breakfast."

Now, of all things in the world that I did not

GURNEY MARRIED. 223

desire, or rather of all things in the world I par-
ticularly wished to avoid, was a visit from Sniggs
in the course of this morning. I knew him so
well, and was so perfectly aware of the activity
of his interference, that I was convinced neither
solicitation nor remonstrance would prevent his
making his way to poor Harriet, whose very
safety might depend upon her not being excited,
as I knew she would be by his appearance in her
room, the moment he heard she was unwell.

" I think," said I, " as 1 expect Dr. Downey
here in an hour or two, it would be no bad thing
to let him see Tom."

" True," said Cuthbert, " so he may ; but then
I asked Sniggs to come here to-day to play
chess, and it is only his coming a little earlier,
and then he can see Harriet, and so, because the
physician, whatever you call him, may not be
here in time — eh — it is as well, as Mrs. Brandy-
ball says, to have two strings to one's bow —
eh?"

All these arninoements of Cuthbert's were
made, as usual, unconsciously, as if expressly for

l4

224 GURNEY MARRIED.

the subversion of all my prudential plans of ope-
ration ; and yet I did not see how I could coun-
teract their effect ; for if I confided to him Har-
riet's disinclination for Sniggs, the first thing
Cuthbert would most assuredly do, would be to
tell him the whole story the moment he arrived,
and thus make an enemy, even if he were yet
friendly, of the peripatetic reporter of Bliss-
fold.

" Now," said Cuthbert, " have you formed
any plans with regard to the young stranger?"

" What," said I, « the child unborn !"

" Yes," said Cuthbert, " I am to be god-
father ; and you shall find, my dear Gilbert,
that I do not consider the obligations of such a
connection merely nominal. If it is a boy, let
him have a profession — make him a lawyer — or
— eh — perhaps that will be too fatiguing, — and
if it is a girl "

" A thousand thanks for all your kindnesses,"
said I ; " but let us secure the treasure, before
we discuss how to dispose of it."

" Nothing like foresight," said Cuthbert; " I

GURNEY MARRIED. 225

am sorry for poor Tommy — I — hadn't Hutton
better step to Sniggs's ? "

The kindness which mingled with my brother's
anxiety to upset my schemes was so remarkable,
and so genuine, that I did -not know how to
thwart him in his wishes, and was on the point of
ringing for his man, when the sound of wheels
caught my ear. I turned to the window, and
saw, to my delight and surprise, the great object
of my present solicitude, Dr. Downey's carriage
rapidly approaching the house.

" Here's the Doctor," said I ; " we need not
send for Sniggs; he shall see Tom before he
goes up-stairs."

" Ah," said Cuthbert, looking quite satisfied,
" that will do nicely."

I hastened to the hall to welcome the physi-
cian, whose early appearance was very agreeably
accounted for by the fact, that my servant on
horseback had overtaken him about four miles
from Ashmcad, as he was returning from a visit
of a similar nature to that which he immediately
turned his horses' heads to pay to Harriet

l5

226 GURNEY MARRIED.

I presented the Doctor to my brother, and
then went up-stairs to apprise Mrs. Wells of his
arrival. Cuthbert, who thought of nothing but
Tommy and his rash, began immediately to open
his case to the Doctor, who, not being the least
aware that there was a second patient to attend
to, was mystified in a great degree by Cuthbert.
who, in consequence of what I had said with
respect to Downey's seeing the boy before he
visited Harriet, thought that I had left the room
to fetch him for inspection.

" I always say," said Cuthbert, " that preven-
tion is better than cure, and that the earlier any-
thing of this sort — eh, is looked after, the better."

" Certainly, Sir," said the Doctor, gracefully
bowing his well-powdered head, " nothing is
wiser than precaution."'

" I don't exactly understand the cause of the
complaint," said Cuthbert; "but I dare say you
will be able to tell when you see the patient."

" Why," said the Doctor, with a look which
implied some little doubt (if Cuthbert's state of
mind, " yes, 1 "

GURNEY MARRIED. 227

" I think it may proceed from cold," said
Cuthbert; " being out at night will do it some-
times— letting off squibs and fireworks — silly
thing — poor dear, nearly lost an eye already,
poor thing."

The Doctor pushed back his chair, and stuck
the poker into the fire.

" Yes, Sir," said he, " very likely."

" Great romps overheat themselves," said
Cuthbert; "my two daughters are never half
careful enough in that respect; I am often afraid
that something of the same sort will happen to
them."

" Oh," said Downey, walking towards the
window, " yes, Sir, as you said just now, caution
is wisdom."

"Yes," said Cuthbert, delighted with the
urbane manner in "which the physician humoured
him, " and especially about their age, poor things,
before they have done growing."

" You are quite right, Sir," said Downey,
"quite — perfectly, nothing can be more judicious
Does Mr. Gurney expect me to follow him ?

l G

228 GURNEY MARRIED.

" No, no," said Cuthbert, " he is gone to
fetch your patient — probably dirty hands want
washing, — hair to be combed, or something of
that sort, — wicked little thing, and as full of
mischief as possible."

What farther might have been said to illumi-
nate the physician, had the dialogue lasted any
longer, rt is impossible to surmise. Certes, my
friend Downey's eyes greeted me with a look of
infinite satisfaction as I made my appearance.

" Well, Gilbert," said Cuthbert, " where's
Tommy ?"

" Oh," said I, " I quite forgot, I will ring for
Hutton to fetch him."

" I thought you were gone on purpose," said
Cuthbert, " else I could have rung myself, or,
at all events, have requested the Doctor to do so
for me."

" May I presume to ask," said the Doctor,
" who Tommy is ?"

" A son-in-law of my brother's," said I, " who
feels unwell, and whom my brother wishes you
tO set-."

GURNEY MARRIED. 229

" Oh," said the Doctor, " I understand — I

did not at first see:" saying which, he with-
drew the poker from the fire, and laid it on the
fender.

Hutton obeyed the summons, received his
orders, and in a few minutes returned with Mas-
ter Tommy, whose appearance was by no means
prepossessing.

" Come here, Tommy, my dear," said Cuth-
bert; " let this gentleman look at you."

" Shan't," said Tom. " I wont be physicked
— not for nobody ; — the pimples is come hout,
and they may go hin agin for all I care, only they
hitches like winkin."

" My dear Sir," said Dr. Downey, " there
is no question about the young gentleman, — a
clear case of small-pox."

" Small-pox, Sir !" said Cuthbert; " I never
had it, Sir. I shall die of it. Tommy, my love,
go to the other end of the room. Gilbert, open
the window, — ring for Hutton, — get me some
eau de luce and water, — camphor. — Oh ! — you
really don't mean it ?"

230 GURNEY MARRIED.

" I do, indeed, Sir," said the Doctor. " I am
happy to say that the character of the eruption
at present appears favourable ; attention and care
will most probably get him well through it, I have
no doubt: it is of the distinct kind, and of course
less serious than the confluent. I will write a
prescription for him before I go up stairs ; he had
better be put to bed, and of course his diet is
to be of the most sparing character."

" I won't be starved," said Tommy ; " and I
won't go to bed, and I won't take no physic."

" Oh, yes, my dear, you will, I am sure,"
said the Physician. " Your health requires it ;
you would be in great danger if you did not do
as we tell you, and perhaps would die."

" Then I should be poked into the pit-hole,"
said Tommy. " I'll jump out of bed the minute
I'm put in. I'll eat whatever I can ; and as for
the physic, see if I don't shy it all under the
grate."

" No you won't, my dear," said Cuthbert.
" Hutton, — Doctor, if you don't want to examine
him any more, — Ihitton, put down tin- can de

GURNEY MARRIED. 231

luce, and take Master Tommy away, — there's a
dear."

" I will ask him a few questions, with your
permission," said Dr. Downey ; " but we can go
into another room."

" I shan't tell for nothing," said Tommy.

" If you please, Sir," said Foxcroft, rushing
into the room very pale, " Mrs. Wells wants the
Doctor, — my mistress "

" What !" said I, " here, Tom, the Doctor
shall see you by-and-by. Now, Doctor."

" Doctor," screamed poor Cuthbert at the top
of his voice, " what's to be done for me ? I shall
catch this infernal disorder."

" What disorder ?" cried Mrs. Brandyball,
who came sailing into the room. " What dis-
order ?"

" The small-pox, Ma'am," said Cuthbert. " I
never had it."

" Small-pox !" screamed the lady. " Nor I,
Mr. Gurney," and forthwith she fell into hys-
terics.

Such a scene never had 1 witnessed. Tom
roaring, — Foxcroft crying, — Mrs. Brandyball

'2:3-2 GURNEY MARRIED.

hooting, — Cuthbert groaning, — the dogs bark-
ing,— two canary-birds singing as loud as they
possibly could, — Hutton scolding the dogs, — I
hustling the Doctor out of the room, — and
Kitty and Jane scudding across the hall to
take leave of Mr. Kittington, the dancing-
master.

I led the Doctor up to my wife's room, and
having just looked in, Mrs. Wells held up her
hand to caution me against speaking. I heard
a faint murmur of complaint from my beloved
wife, — the door was shut upon me, — and I burst
into tears. I did, — and I am not ashamed to
record the fact.

Oh, the thrilling, aching, throbbing pain of
anxiety which seemed to affect every part of my
body and limbs ; my hands were icy cold, my
tongue was parched, my knees trembled; my
kind, my affectionate, my darling Harriet was in
pain and in sorrow, and I unable either to assist
her or soothe her in her sufferings. I did not know
how to dispose of myself; return to the break-
fast parlour I could not; where I was, I dared
not stop, lest 1 should hear the sound of Har-

GURNEY MARRIED. "JO-S

riet's voice in grief and anguish. I went down
stairs, I fled to my sanctum, and shut myself in
my library, to pray for the safety and restoration
of the being I loved best on earth.

Silence had been restored, and I heard nothing
where I sat, except the subdued ringing of the
servants' dinner-bell, which told me that I had
been for upwards of two hours in my conceal-
ment ; presently, howevw, I was hunted out :
Hutton knocked at the door, and after repeating
the operation twice, I felt obliged to answer, to
prevent a continuation of his thumping, — my
brother wanted me.

I of course obeyed the summons ; and there
I found Cuthbert covered with a shawl and a
blanket, extended on the sofa, with the three
windows of the room all open.

" What a thing to have happened !" said
Cuthbert ; " it is, — dear me, — what shall we do ?
— poor dear Mrs. Brandyball never had it, — nor
either of the girls. I have sent for Sniggs, —
they have shut themselves up in Kitty's room
with camphor bags and eau do Cologne till \w

234 GURNEY MARRIED.

comes. They are all going to be vaccinated, —
so am I, — and Hutton and I have been speaking
to Mrs. Habijam, and the coachman, and the
two housemaids, and they have all agreed, and I
want you to let Foxcroft be vaccinated, too, —
— there's nothing like^recaution."

" But, my dear brother," said I, " all these
people have had either We small-pox or been
vaccinated before, rely tff§)n it."

" Ah, but," saff Cuthbert, " the cow-pox is
like everything else, it wears out; besides, it was
not discovered when I was born, nor when you
were born. I don't recollect having had the
small-pox, nor do either of my girls."

" Probably not," said I ; " and probably none
of the establishment recollect a similar event
in any of their lives, inasmuch as it generally
occurs at a period to which the memory of man
reacheth not."

" Well, it can do no harm," said Cuthbert;
" let Sniggs sec poor Tommy as soon as he
comes, and then have him well fumigated, — ah,
— or washed, — anything you think safest, — and

GURNEY MARRIED. 235

then let him begin his operations. I'll have
poor Pilly vaccinated, too."
" Who ? " said I.

" Pilgarlick," said Cuthbert, looking the pic-
ture of despair.

" What, your tom-cat ! " exclaimed I.
" I think it will be safest," sighed he. Hut-
ton paused in his operation of bathing his master's
temples, to see whether he were pleased to be
facetious, or was in sober earnest. I am con-
vinced it was the purest bit of matter-of-fact
solicitude that ever man expressed.

The arrival of Sniggs was the signal for action.
I was ordered to convey him to Tom's apart-
ment, in order to satisfy Cuthbert as to the
reality of the existence of the disease he so much
dreaded ; and accordingly I conveyed him to the
room where Tom had compounded with himself
as to not going to bed, by having taken off his
jacket and waistcoat, and lain down on the quilt
with his boots on, ready for a start whenever he
fit disposed to run riot.

" There," said I to the apothecary, " there's

236 GURNEY MARRIED.

a patient for you. What's the matter with
him?"

" Hold up, Master Tom," said Sniggs ; " look
to the light— eh, — umph,— feel any itching?"

« Yes, I do," said Tom.

"Umph, — I see," said Sniggs; "obstructed
perspiration, — a sort of nettle-rash, — better out
than in, — little cooling physic will set all to
rights."

" Why," said I, " we were thinking it was
the small-pox."

" The small-pox, my dear Mr. Gurney !" said
Sniggs ; " not a bit of it. Where's the synocha,
— where the languor and drowsiness which inva-
riably characterize that complaint? No, no;
the blood wants cooling. I'll send him some-
thing which will set him all to rights in no time."

" Well," said I, " but do you know we gene-
rally believe it to be the small-pox."

" Ha, ha !" said Sniggs, "that's deuced good;
who is likely to know best?"

" My brother says it is small-pox," said I.

" Oh, very likely," said Sniggs.

GURNEY MARRIED. 237

" Mrs. Brandyball says so," continued I ; "so

does the housekeeper, and "

" My dear Sir," said Sniggs, " these are all
very respectable people in their way, but wholly
incapable of distinguishing the difference be-
tween the most dangerous case of variola con-
fluens and the simplest effect of febris urticata."
" Well," said I, rather worried at being pooh-
poohed in so decided a manner, " Dr. Downey,
who is here, says it is the small-pox."

" The deuce he does !" said Sniggs. " Dr.
Downey here, — is he? — umph, — that's Mrf.
Wells's doing, — never mind, — does lie say it
is the small-pox ? — Hold up your face again,
Master Tom. Small-pox, eh ? " Sniggs rubbed
the boy's forehead, and looked very wise. " Dr.
Downey says it is small-pox: — put out your
tongue, Master Tom. — So, — by Jove, it is small-
pox, sure enough ; — never like to create un-
necessary alarm, — umph, — very odd. Oh ! yes,
yes, — that's small-pox, — not the least doubt of
it, — never can mistake that."

The suddenness of Sniggs's conviction with

238 GURNEY MARRIED.

regard to Tom's disorder would have affected me
more perhaps than it actually did, if I had not
recollected that a much more eminent man did
precisely the same thing- when one of the Princes
of the Blood caught, in mature age, and for the
second time, the measles. Upon that occasion
his Royal Highness having ascertained from two
of the most eminent physicians of the day the
real nature of his complaint, subsequently sent
for his facetious body-physician, who, like Sniggs
in the present instance, most strenuously denied
the least resemblance between measles and his
Royal Highness's rash, until, being informed that
Baillie and Heberden had both decided that
measles was the complaint — like Sniggs, the
worthy doctor looked again, and decided that
measles it was.

Having now received the authentication of all
our worst fears, I proceeded to Cuthbert, having
previously informed our apothecary of his ex-
treme desire to have every living inhabitant of
the house vaccinated, and of his anxious wish for
lii-> complete purification, previous to his visit.

10

GURNEV .MARRIED. 239

Sniggs, delighted with the idea of having any-
thing to do, seemed smoothed at once, and
smothered the angry feeling which I saw rank-
ling with regard to Dr. Downey's visit ; however,
I was a I'abri, for he laid the whole scheme at
my poor dear mother-in-law's door, and believing
in the proverb which makes the mother say —

" My son is my son till he gets him a wife,
My daughter's my daughter all the days of her life,"

imputed to her influence over Harriet his very
disagreeable exclusion from the honour of usher-
ing the heir or heiress of Ashmead, as the case
might be, into this world of trouble. So far I
got off scot free, and I was not sorry for it ; be-
cause, as poor Mrs. Wells had long before ren-
dered herself obnoxious to what Lieutenant
Merman used to call Snigg's " sculduddery,"
a little more of his ire could do her no harm, and
I might escape unscathed.

In the hall we encountered Mrs. Habijam,
who appeared entirely lost in a dread of the con-
sequences of the infection ; she intreated Sniggs

'240 GURNEY MARRIED.

to make all the haste he could to his own house,
to procure a sufficient supply of what she called
the " various " matter ; in short, I never saw a
panic so general or so serious. I congratulated
myself however on having escaped Mrs. Brandy-
ball and the young ladies, whose appearance
would have detained me from fresh inquiries
about Harriet.

All I heard was that everything was going on
extremely well, and that Doctor Downey wished
to know when luncheon would be ready ; this
was music to my ears — he could not care about
luncheon if everything was not going on ex-
tremely well, and I felt delighted in having the
opportunity, under such circumstances, of talking
to the man to whose skill and judgment I was
to be indebted, under Providence, for the safety
of my dearest love.

Luncheon was ready, but Cuthberthad retired
to his own room. The exertion of being very
much frightened had been more than he could
bear; besides, as be was resolved to be the first

person in the family vaccinated, he determined,

GURNEY MARRIED. 241

like Csesar, to die with decency, and accordingly
betook himself to his bed in order to catch the
gentle infection from the lancet of our Lam-
pedo.

" Well, my dear Sir," said the Doctor, " \w
are all doing as well as possible ; the sweetness
of our dear patient's temper cannot fail to be in
the highest degree beneficial to her during her
illness. I think I never saw such mildness and
amiability. Great care must be taken about the
young gentleman's small-pox. I trust we shall
have one child in the family, in an hour or two,
about whose having been vaccinated or not there
can be no question; and upon that account I
should say the lad ought to be removed while
he is yet able to bear it."

" But whither is he to go ?" said I ; " and
will his affectionate father-in-law suffer him to be
separated from him ?"

" I am, of course, not competent to answei
either of those questions," said the Doctor ; " but
I only do my duty in apprising you of the dangei
to be apprehended to the infant by his remain-

vol. i. m

242 GURNEY MARRIED.

ing here, and having communication with those
who are also in the habit of going into Mrs.
Gurney's room."

" What can I do ?" said I ; " my brother is
actually in bed ; he, I am sure, will neither let
Tom go without him, nor with him — in the one
case he would apprehend the worst consequences
to the boy, and in the other the most dreadful
results to himself. "'

" I merely speak professionally, Mr. Gur-
ney," said the Doctor, " and not with any view
of interfering with your domestic arrangements ;
but were I to remain silent upon the subject, I
feel I should incur a very serious responsibility."
It struck me that perhaps Sniggs would allow
Tom to be removed to his house, whither per-
haps my brother might be induced to let him go,
with the satisfactory conviction that he would
be constantly under the superintendence of the
medical man in whom, spite of my mother-in-
law's prejudices, ho had an exceedingly high
opinion. I mentioned this expedient to the
Doctor, who, being acquainted with Sniggs only

7

GURNEY MARRIED. 248

by name, and totally ignorant of the terms upon
which he lived with our family, hesitated — as he
generally did — to give any decided opinion upon
its probable success. I resolved, at all events,
to mention it to Cuthbert, before Sniggs's re-
appearance at Ashmead. I did so, and found
him by no means disposed tb expose his darling
lad to the difficulties ©f a removal, or the incon-
veniences of a strange house.

" No," said Cuthbert, " i" had better go —
Mrs. Brandyball would like to take the two girls
— you know they were going on Tuesday — so —
I think, after I have undergone the operation,
I will try to be got up, and go with the girls
and their governess to Bath — eh, dear ! — what ;i
terrific idea ! — how dreadful a circumstance ! —
however, we must make three days of it — it
must be nearly a hundred miles from this to
Bath."

" Yes, my dear Cuthbert," said I ; « but
however this plan may secure you and the girls
from danger, and however happy we should be
to pay every attention to Tom in your absence,

M •_>

244 GURNEY MARRIED.

it leaves poor Harriet and her child exposed to
extreme peril."

" I have ordered Hutton to sprinkle vinegar
all over the house," said Cuthbert, " and to
fumigate the passage down stairs with gun-
powder."

" Yes," replied I ; "I can vouch for his
activity too : I never smelt anything so horrible
in my life."

" Ah !" said Cuthbert, " never mind smells-
dear, dear — isn't it dreadful?"

" Well," said I, seeing that I had no chance
of succeeding alone in obtaining an order of
removal for Master Tom, " I will go back to
Doctor Downey, and the moment Sniggs comes
he shall be sent to you."

Sniggs did come — I presented him to the phy-
sician, and felt at once pleased and perplexed by
finding his opinion with regard to the removal
of Master Falwasser entirely agree with that of
the Doctor. Sniggs was essentially good-na-
tured, extremely fond of meddling, delighted to
be '• doing," and excessively anxious to show

GURNEY MARRIED. 24')

the " public " of Blissfold that he stood exceed-
ingly well with the family at Ashmead, in spite
of Mrs. Gurney having, under her mother's in-
fluence, called in other medical aid ; and he — as
it were intuitively — started the very proposition
which I was about to make.

" Why not take Master Tom to my house ?"
said Sniggs ; " I shall have him there under my
own eye. Mrs. Sniggs will be as careful of him
as if he were our own. All difficulty will be
removed, and I shall be too happy to be of any
use in relieving you from your difficulties."

" Have you any objection to open the busi-
ness to my brother ?" said I.

" Not the least," replied the apothecary.
" That he ought to be moved from this house
nobody can doubt; he can be removed at present
without danger — where can he go better than to
the house of a medical practitioner, in whom, as
I flatter myself, his father-in-law has so much
confidence ? I'll go this instant — give my opi-
nion and advice — vaccinate my patient, and then
make every necessary arrangement."

M 3

•246 GURNEY MARRIED.

The natural readiness for action which uni-
formly characterized the proceedings of Mr.
Sniggs, blended with the prospect of the profits
arising from his successful attendance upon the
darling lout, filled him with energy and elo-
quence. What he said or what he did in the
way of persuasion to my brother, I do not pretend
to guess. All I know is, that in less than half
an hour the operator returned to the dinner-
room, where Downey and I were sitting, and
with sparkling eyes and a joyous countenance an-
nounced the consent of Cuthbert to the arrange-
ment, provided the Doctor would give a favour-
able opinion as to the safety of the young pa-
tient's transport from one place to the other.

Our difficulties now were nearly overcome —
we were sure of the Doctor's voice in our favour,
and a few minutes more sufficed for the arrange-
ment of the whole affair. I confess 1 felt my-
self relieved of a heavy burthen, and not a little
anxious to see the project carried into execution.
Having got so far, I ventured to suggest to C'uth-
!>crt that there would in that ease be no neces-

GURNEY MARRIED. 247

sity for his leaving us ; but Hutton's entrance
into the room to mention that one of the house-
maids, he was afraid, was sickening, set all doubt
upon that question at rest ; in fact, as it appeared
to me, the preparations for the joint departure
of Mrs. Brandyball, the girls, and Cuthbert were
already far advanced, and that a regular commu-
nication had been kept up between the high con-
tracting powers, who for their own separate and
particular reasons had resolved upon leaving
Ashmead immediately, and leaving it together.

The girls were tired of us already, and as the
mirthful noises and romps, in which they much
rejoiced, would be of a necessity suspended for
the next two or three weeks, they anticipated
more of dulness and quietude during the rest of
their stay than suited their tastes and genius;
and this, added to the necessity of Airs. Brandy-
ball's return to her seminary by a particular day.
concluded that faction in their resolve to decamp,
having first undergone the preservative and pre-
ventive process which was to be universally in-
flicted by the skilful hand of Sniggs.

m 4

'248 GURNEY MARRIED.

With respect to Cuthbert, kind as his profes-
sions were, and liberal as his conduct might be,
I could not help observing an increase of that
indifference towards Harriet which I had previ-
ously noticed in a slighter degree. Kitty's pri-
vate consultations and conversations with her
father-in-law struck me to be somehow con-
nected with this disagreeable change. And I
could not help fancying that his invincible desire
to leave Ashmead was in some degree attributa-
ble to the same influence. What I feared was
that the influence— powerful as it most unques-
tionably was — was not spontaneously exerted.
I was alarmed lest its operations should be di-
rected by the more matured judgment of Mrs.
Brandyball. What her objects were I could not
exactly define ; but I felt convinced that she had
some point of first-rate importance to herself to
rarry, and I could not divest myself of the idea
that she made Kitty the tool with which she
might cany <>n her machinations.

To be candid, however, as one may be, at
l<ast when he writes for no eye but his own, I

GURNEY MARRIED. 249

did not regret, in this particular instance, the
success of the young lady's persuasiveness. To
put Cuthbert to any inconvenience would have
given me the greatest pain and uneasiness, but
he preferred leaving me — so far I had nothing to
reproach myself with ; and as for the removal of
the rest of the party, nothing could be more
agreeable. Accordingly, I submitted to his ex-
pressed will. Less than two hours were allowed
for the packing of the carriage in which the tra-
vellers were to make their journey. Four horses
were ordered to be at the door at half-past three,
by which arrangement it was proposed that the
party should reach Salisbury by seven or eight
o'clock, where they were to sleep, Hutton and
Cuthbert's other servant, with their luggage, fill-
ing Mrs. Brandyball's post-chaise, and bringing
up the rear.

It was determined, moreover, that Tom should
not be apprized of any of these arrangements,
inasmuch as, if he had even quietly acquiesced
in them, there must have been a parting, which
would have defeated the main object of the flight.

M 5

•250 GURNEY MARRIED.

Sniggs therefore undertook to amuse the lad by
performing- various tricks of magic and conjura-
tion in his room while my guests were getting
under way.

Dr. Downey had resumed his close attendance
upon my wife, whose side her affectionate mother
had never once left since she came to her in the
morning. Wells and Bessy had come over from
the Rectory, and were just in time to take leave
of the travellers; and within a few minutes of
the proposed time, I received the parting kisses
of Kitty and Jane, handed Mrs. Brandy ball into
the carriage, and shook hands with Cuthbert,
feeling, I can scarcely tell why, a presentiment
that I never should see him at Ashmead again.
He seemed to me to have thrown himself — or
rather, passively to have fallen — into the hands
of strangers ; and when he bid me farewell, he
did not make the faintest allusion to Harriet, or
express the slightest wish to hear the result of
her confinement.

The subsequent scene with Tom was very re-
markable. .Sniggs having made himself exces-

GURNEY MARRIED. 251

sively entertaining, suggested to Tom that if he
liked to come to his house, to dine and sleep,
while there was so much bustle going on at Ash-
mead, it would do him no harm, and that there
was no objection to his doing so. Tom jumped
at the proposal : and Sniggs having taken the
proper opportunity of sending for a hack chaise
from the inn, charitably preferring the risk of
infecting a public carriage, into which fifty
strangers might in the next day or two be but-
toned, to using any vehicle belonging to the
family, wrapped the hopeful youth up in a great
coat and a cloak, and carried him off unresist-
ingly to his residence in the High-street of
Blissfold; nor was it until the next morning
that Master Tom clearly understood the charac-
ter of his visit there ; he was then enlightened
by the enforcement of the severe discipline which
had at first been ordered, and clearly compre-
hended that he had been sent away from home
on purpose to be out of the way. The rage and
passion of the young gentleman exceeded all
bounds, and it required main force and the in-

m 6

252 GURNEY MARRIED.

tervention of a strong lock to keep him where
he was. At length, however, as the disorder
advanced, his spirit sank, and he continued to
take the medicines which were prescribed, and
not take the food which was proscribed, with a
sulky sullenness which, if not more amiable, was
at least more endurable than his violence.

At half-past seven o'clock on the evening of
the departure of the amiable family and their
charming friend, I became the father of a fine
boy, pronounced by Mrs. Wells and the nurse
to be as like me as possible. The Doctor looked
pleased, and congratulating me with the greatest
warmth, announced that which was the welcomest
part of his "important intelligence, that the
mother and child were " as well as could be
expected."

CHAPTER VII.

" So, then, I am a father, — a new tie binds me
to the world, and Harriet absolutely worships
her infant. All is going on well. The house
is perfectly quiet ; even the canary- birds, un-
provoked and unexcited, are mute. Still I oc-
casionally hear a sound hitherto strange to
Ashmead, — the shrill cry of my son and heir ;
he that, please God, is to be hereafter some-
thing good and great. How strange is such an
anticipation ! Only fancy that Dr. Johnson
was once a baby ; and that the height of my
ambition would be to see that dear, little, soft,
red thing upstairs, just such a man as be, in due

254 GURNEY MARRIED.

course of time ; but, to be sure, all the babies I
ever saw were soft, and red, and remarkably like
their fathers, and so is mine."

This was the sort of soliloquy in which 1 was
indulging when Mrs. Wells came to me in the
garden to enquire, at Harriet's suggestion, whe-
ther I had written to announce the event to
Cuthbert.

" Where am I to find him ? " said I. " When
he went away he said nothing about either my
wife or my child. He left no address nor any
direction where a letter might find him."

" That odious Mrs. Brandyball," said Mrs.
Wells, " will no doubt be able to forward any-
thing to him ; and Harriet feels that it would be
extremely wrong not to let him hear."

" She is quite right," said I; " but there i^
something extremely repugnant to my feelings
in making Mrs. Brandyball the medium of such
a communication."

" What else can you do?" said my prudent
mother-in-law. " As (he child is a boy, and as
your brother has expressed his desire of standing

GURNEY MARRIED. 255

godfather, it would be losing an excellent chance
of a provision for him hereafter."

" That desire," said I, " was expressed before
the sudden dispersion of the tribe ; in all proba-
bility he has by this time forgotten it altogether:
and as it is quite certain that we shall hear from
some of them in the way of inquiry after Tom's
health, I feel very much disposed to postpone
the announcement until the opportunity offers of
making it direct."

" Of course, .my dear Gilbert," said Mrs.
Wells, "you are master of your own house, and
must do as you please."

Yes, thought I to myself, I feel more master
of it than ever I did before: but this by no
means disagreeable consciousness was not alto-
gether without alloy. In the first place, the
departure of Cuthbert had entirely changed the
manners and customs of Ashmead, just at tin-
very moment when, from being isolated myself,
the alteration was made more manifest: and in
the second place, the alteration was effected in
an unpleasant manner; — in short, I was worried

•256 GURNEY MARRIED.

and vexed at my own emancipation from the
controul I had so long felt irksome. What
strange creatures we are !

" In my mind," said Wells, who had joined
us, " your brother Cuthbert is snared, — as safe
as a hare in a poacher's bag ; — his fanienti dis-
position and almost helpless habits have no
chance against the bustling activity of that Mrs.
Brandyball, whose real character, thanks to our
convivial re-union the other evening, we are
tolerably well acquainted with."

" I am apprehensive " said I.

" I go beyond you," replied Wells : " how-
ever, as my poor Fan used to say when I took
leave to hint an occasional doubt about our late
friend Merman's disinterestedness, it is of no
use anticipating evils."

" Is there no chance," said I, " of that affair
ever being on again ? "

"I think not," said Wells. "Indeed, with
all my avowed predilection for early marriages,
I should not wish a daughter of mine to submit
to caprice, or permit her affections to overcome

GURNEY MARRIED. 257.

what I consider the proper dignity of a woman's
character. As to her taste with regard to the
man, with that I have nothing to do. I was
satisfied that a mutual attachment existed be-
tween them, and as I saw no objection to their
marriage, I did not interfere with the courtship.
When I thought it had continued quite long
enough, I spoke to him on the subject indirectly
— hypothetically "

" Yes," said I ; and all the scene in the old
dining-parlour at the Rectory was re-enacted on
my mind in a moment.

" And," continued Wells, " there was nothing
in his conduct of which we have any right or
reason to complain. He admitted the existence
of the attachment, but pleaded his want of for-
tune as the reason of his continued silence on the
subject ; and when I ventured to throw out a
hint as to the expectations he had mentioned to
me, from his aunt Miss Malony, he for the first
time confessed that her liberality was saddled
with a condition, which, as you know, must in-
evitably separate him from Fanny."

" There's the rub," said I,

•258 GURNEY MARRIED.

" Yes," said Wells, " and although he ought
unquestionably either to have communicated
that contingency to me, or have made up his
mind to marry upon the means he actually pos-
sesses, I can easily understand his unwillingness
to bring an intimacy to a conclusion, in which,
as he protests, the happiness of his life was en-
gaged. He has now left Blissford, as he says,
with the intention of softening his aunt's stern
decree — that her money and her niece go toge-
ther ; but I told him that I considered the matter
finally decided, as I felt it would be exceedingly
repugnant to my daughter's feelings to induce
the old lady to deprive her favorite relation of
the portion she proposed to give her, even if I
believed it at all likely that she would be in-
duced so to do. I knew Fanny never would be
happy if he succeeded; but I am certain that he
will not, and so the less we say now of the Lieu-
tenant the better. He intends to effect an ex-
change of duty, and join his regiment on service,
probably taking his well-portioned lady with him
i- ;i wife."
" Surely," said I, who felt the greatest dim-

GURNEY MARRIED. 259

culty, with the best intentions, of conquering my
first dislike to him, " surely he should have con-
sidered all this before "

" Ay, ay," interrupted my father-in-law, " so
he should, but he fancied himself in love ; and
then, Gilbert, we all of us know that we are not
quite so clair-voyant as we are at other times.
However," continued he, "we must try and
rouse Fanny from her ' doleful dumps.' Now
we are all going on well here — your charming
young nephew is thriving, and I mean to make
up a little party, of which you must be one, to
go to the exhibition of some most extraordinary
artist, Mr. Delaville, who exhibits at our theatre
to-night, after the fashion of George Alexander
Stevens, Dibdin, and those other great geniuses
who, by dint of versatility of talent, contrive to
amuse and delight an audience all alone by them-
M'lves."

« If Harriet is "

" Harriet certainly can't be of the party," said

1 At the time Mr. Gurncy made these memoranda, the most
eminent genius in that line, Mathews, had not adopted it. — Ed.

•260 GURNF.Y MARRIED.

Wells ; " but my good kind wife will keep her
company, and go you must. Sniggs tells me
that the artist is capital— first chop, as the Chi-
nese say ; and Fan and Bessy, you and I, Sniggs
himself, who is as good an audience as he is a
performer, and some one or two others, will make
a strong party in favour of the entrepreneur."

" Really," said 1, " I am so worried about
Cuthbert, so anxious about Harriet, and "

"Can our interest be separate?" said the
reverend patron of the entertainment. " No,
no — you never had a child before, I have had
many ; I know the utter uselessness of moping
about, a helpless animal — thinking, and wonder-
ing, and complaining about nothing. You
come with us; the entertainment is called ' Frolics
in Africa and Reflections at Home,' interspersed
with songs, dances, imitations, and recitations,
and all the other 'ations' in the world."

" Well, if Harriet gives me leave," said 1

"Oh, my dear Gilbert," said the pastor,
"that is rather too much of a joke. Give you
leave ! — why I think I know enough of her to

GURNEY MARRIED. 2G1

know that she would feel pleasure in knowing
that you were amused — so, if you will, come
to as, or shall we come to you at seven ?"

" Oh," said I, "dine here, and if we must go,
let us start hence en masse."

" Why," said Wells, " fond as I admit myself
to be of amusement in which I see no crime,
I should not press this so much upon you if
it were not for Fan — I am sure she broods over
this sudden rupture with Merman, and if she
can be diverted I know it will do her ofood."

" You need say nothing more," said I, " I
am perfectly ready to join you. I wonder we
have not seen some of the bills of the perform-
ance."

" I have got those," said Wells; "and we
will secure our places ; and if we can but secure
one or two hearty laughs, either with the per-
former or at him, my purpose will be folly
answered."

" There I perfectly agree with you," said I ;
"and I thank my good stars that I am not
particularly fastidious as to how the laugh is

•262 GURNEY MARRIED.

obtained. I am as great a fool at a pantomime
as I was when I was fourteen years old, and
enjoy the kickings and cuffings of Harlequin
and Pantaloon with as much relish now as I
did then."

Addison says it would be an endless task to
mention the innumerable shifts that small wits
put in practice to raise a laugh. Bullock in a
short coat and Norris in a long one seldom fail
of this effect. In ordinary comedies a broad
and a narrow-brimmed hat are different charac-
ters. Sometimes the wit of a scene lies in a
shoulder-knot, and sometimes in a pair of
whiskers. A lover running about the stage
with his head peeping out of a barrel was
thought a very good jest in King Charles the
Second's time, and invented by one of the first
wits of that age. What care I, if by some
extravagance, some unaccountable absurdity, I
am made momentarily to forget the things which
prey upon my mind? I am satisfied; — and if
Mr. Delavillo, whoso real name is in all proba-
bility Dobbs, Dobbins, or Doddle, diverts my

GURNEY MARRIED. 263

thoughts from subjects which give me pain, I
feel myself very much indebted to the said
Dobbs, Dobbins, or Doddle, as the case may be.
Voltaire says that Providence has given us hope
and sleep as a compensation for the many cares
of life, to which Kant proposes to add
" laughter," if the wit and originality of humour
necessary to excite it among rational people
were not so rare.

Well, I was fairly in for the evening's enter-
tainment; and, to say truth, not altogether
sorry for it. And accordingly our arrangement
were perfected and dinner ordered at an hour
suitable to the time of the commencement of
the performances, and we subsequently packed
up and were on our road to the playhouse.

The building to which we had been attracted
was but of " pretensions humble and dimensions
small." The genteel accommodation consisted
of four boxes on either side and five in the front.
The pit and gallery when we arrived might
have boasted some five-and-twenty inhabitants.
Three of the front boxes had in them some

•2G4 GURNEY MARRIED.

dozen of the bettermost neighbours, and our box
and the stage-box opposite were well filled. On
the stao-e and before the curtain stood a table
covered with green baize, upon which were
placed two candles, a bottle of water and a
tumbler, and a kind of desk ; behind it stood a
chair.

In those days little was known of the extent
to which amusement could be derived and
entertainment ensured from so small a stock in
trade ; and accordingly we were not at all
sparing in our jokes upon the unpromising
appearance of things in general. Our attention,
however, was attracted to the proscenium by the
jingle of a piano-forte, concealed from sight,
whereupon, at the ringing of a little bell, some
hidden artist performed a somewhat familiar
symphony, which was abruptly checked, like
the story of the bear and fiddle, by a second
similar " tintinabulary clatter."

Up rose the curtain, and displayed the scene
of a room and the end of the piano-forte, which
we sagaciously conjectured was to be used as

GURNEY MARRIED. 265

an accompaniment to the vocal effusions of the
exhibiter. A momentary pause ensued, and
the hero of the evening entered, dressed in a
blue coat, white waistcoat, and black et ceteras :
— he came forward, bowed to the "judicious
few" who were present, and proceeded to take
his place behind the table.

Philip Camerarius, in the seventy-third chapter
of his " Meditations Historiques," says " That
a person worthy of credit, who had travelled
extensively in Egypt and Asia, told him that he,
more than once, at a place near Cairo (whither
vast numbers of people resort in order to witness
the resurrection of the dead, as they say), had
seen corpses innumerable pushing themselves,
as it were, out of their graves. Not," says he,
" that I saw the bodies entire, but only their
hands, sometimes their feet, and even half the
body occasionally; but which, after having
made these apparent efforts, gradually sunk back
to conceal themselves again in the earth."

" I," says Camerarius, " being very much
struck with this account, and scarcely able to

VOL. I. n

266 GURNEY MARRIED.

credit it, made very particular inquiries on the
subject of a most honourable and well-informed
gentleman who had travelled in these countries
in company with a very particular friend of
mine, M. Alexander, of Schallenburg, and he
told me that he also had heard of such things
very frequently. That such strange appear-
ances had been seen, and that no doubt existed
as to the fact in Cairo itself; and in order to
convince me the more entirely, he showed me
an Italian book, published at Venice, called
' Viaggio di Messer di Giovanni di Alessandria
nelle Indie,' in which there is a long and succinct
account of one of those extraordinary resurrec-
tions which took place on the 25th of March,
1540, which curious spectacle lasted from
Thursday until Saturday, when they all dis-
appeared."

Camerarius quotes much more from this
curious book, the contents of which are corrobo-
rated by another traveller of the name of Felix,
a native of Ulm, who published a work in
German, containing precisely similar accounts.

GURNEY MARRIED. 267

" As I do not undertake," says Camerarius,
"myself to maintain that these appearances
are miraculous, and permitted even in these
days for the purpose of overthrowing the idola-
trous superstition of the Egyptians, and assuring
them of the certainty of a resurrection and a
life in the world to come, so I will not express
my opinion that they are nothing but the illu-
sions of Satan, as many are inclined to think,
but leave to the reader the task of exercising
his own judgment and forming his own opinion."
Nevertheless, our author goes on to say,
" That one Stephen Duplais, a goldsmith, a
very intelligent and agreeable man, about five-
and-forty years old, who had, when he was much
younger, travelled in Egypt, told him that he
had seen the same thing about fifteen years
previous to their then conversation, in company
with an apothecary from Chablis, of the name of
Claude Rocard, and several other Christians,
the party being headed and conducted by another
goldsmith, of the name of Maniotti. He de-
clared to me," says the Doctor, "that he and

N 2

'268 GURNEY MARRIED.

several of his companions actually touched the
limbs of the revivified corpses, and that he was
on the point of laying hold of a child's head,
which was rising out of the ground, when an Egyp-
tian who was there called out, ' Kali, kali, ante
matqfarde,' which means, ' Leave it alone, leave
it alone, you do not know what it is you
touch."

" This gentleman," says our author, " told
me that the tradition of this wonderful appear-
ance has come down through father to son from
time immemorial. The history which is told in
relation to it is, that at some distant period a
great concourse of Christian men, women, and
children were assembled in the exercise of their
religion on this plain, when they were sur-
rounded by their enemies, and cut to pieces,
who, leaving the ground strewed with their muti-
lated bodies and limbs, returned to Cairo, and
that ever since this resurrection has been visible
for some days before and after the anniversary
of the horrible massacre."

The statement of M. Duplais is again cor-

GURNEY MARRIED. 269

roborated by Martin de Baumgarten, in his
" Travels in Egypt" published after his death
at Nuremburg, in the year 1594, who, in chap,
xviii. of his first book, states that such appear-
ances had been seen in a Turkish mosque near
Cairo. This writer is however mistaken as to
the scene of the vision, inasmuch as it was not
a mosque, but a small eminence, which is not on
the bank of the Nile, but at the distance of half
a league from it.

Well, anybody who reads my papers — if any-
body ever should — will exclaim, what of all this ?
— what on earth can this lively dance of death
have to do with the Blissfold playhouse, or the
agreeable entertainment of Mr. Delaville ? and
well he may ; but let him pause in his exclama-
tion, and understand that if I had been of the party
with M. Duplais, the goldsmith, or M. Rocard.
the apothecary, I could not have been more
astounded or astonished with what I might then
have seen, than I was at what I beheld before
me upon our little provincial stage.

" Ladies and gentlemen," said a voice, which,

n 3

270 GUItNEY MARRIED.

even if my sight might have been puzzled, never
could deceive my ears, — " in presenting myself
to your notice, I fear that perhaps I am — " —
here the eyes of the vivacious exhibiter glanced
on me. — I was gazing with astonishment at
him : our looks met, and, to the infinite astonish-
ment of the audience, he burst into a violent
fit of laughter: the disorder, as it luckily hap-
pened, communicated itself to the whole com-
pany, and for a minute or two every body laughed,
without knowing why or wherefore. The per-
former speedily resumed his composure, and
went through a really entertaining part of his
performance, which, although replete with copi-
ous quotations from Josephus Miller, and others
of his erudite fraternity, was both spirited and
amusing.

The moment the first part was over, I pro-
ceeded to the Coulisses, and there, having
shaken hands with the genius of the night,
expressed considerable astonishment that, as he
must have known of my residence in the place,
he had not presented himself at Ashmead. He

GURNEY MARRIED. 271

explained to me, however, that he did not know
of my being established in the neighbourhood,
and that he had himself not arrived more than
an hour before the beginning of the performance,
and that his astonishment at seeing me a witness
of his exhibition, threw him entirely off his
guard, and produced the effect which seemed so
mysterious to the "general"

That the performer was my once friend, once
enemy, and since friend again, Daly, I need
/ scarcely write down, — he had no time at that
busy Inoment to give me any account of his
adventures since we parted; but I made him
promise to come up to breakfast. on the morrow;
and scarcely fancying the scene I had witnessed
was real, I returned to my box to watch the
progress and conclusion of the exhibition.

When we came back from the theatre, Wells
and his two daughters proceeded to the llectory,
and I to my home, having, however, received
rather an unfavourable account of Tom, whose
active cunning had been kept in full play, for
the purpose of defeating all the attempts of his

N 4

272 GURNEY MARRIED.

doctor and nurses in the way of medicine and
regimen, and whose recent sulkiness had ap-
parently been converted into practical irasci-
bility by their efforts to control him.

This increased my anxiety to write to Cuth-
bert ; and I resolved that if no letter arrived
from him by the next day's post, and Tom con-
tinued to go on unfavourably, I would do the
douce violence to my feelings, and transmit a
report of existing circumstances under cover to
the governess, a designation which appeared to
me to be equally applicable as regarded her
influence over my brother, or her tutelage of his
hopeful favourites. When I got back I found
Harriet progressing, as the Americans have it,
most delightfully. Mrs. Wells' attentions were
unremitting, and my gratitude was proportion-
ably sincere. I mentioned that I expected a
friend to breakfast, because, considering all the
circumstances of my former acquaintance, con-
nexions, and entanglements with Daly, it did
not appear to me particularly desirable that any
portion of the Wells family should be of the

GURNEY MARRIED. '27-i

party. The information produced the antici-
pated effect ; Mrs. Wells would breakfast in
Harriet's room, and I should be left as I
desired, tete-a-tete with my extraordinary com-
panion.

Daly was punctual, as I expected : he had
acquired the air and manner of a gentleman not
at all likely to be too late for any meal to which
he might happen to be invited ; and I received
him with a natural warmth not at all qualified
by his change of appearance and station, but
greatly mystified by finding him where and what
he was, and I dismissed the servants as speedily
as possible after the " things" were put down,
in order to satisfy my curiosity upon the several
most obscure points of his history.

" My dear fellow," said he, in answer to my
first question as to the cause of his return from
his African office, " I couldn't stand it. On my
arrival in the infernal place, I inquired what this
building was ? — the late Governor's house —
what that building was? — that was the residence
of the late Collector of Customs. They told

n 5

274 GUItNEY MARRIED.

me the late Secretary was one of the most
agreeable men in the world, and that if I had
only arrived before the two Judges, the Colonial
Chaplain, and the Deputy Inspector of Hospitals
had died, I should have found it an admir-
ably agreeable, and sweetly sociable circle of
society.

" Well," said I, " but I suppose as these
functionaries died off, others succeeded them?"
" Exactly so," said Daly ; " and by that very
course of procedure, I lost my appointment. As
things were going, and as the people were gone,
I thought I might as well die with decency, like
Caesar, as live lowly ; so down I sat myself, and
wrote a letter to my patron, petitioning for pro-
motion. No reply. Out comes a new cargo of
officers, civil and military ; for the climate is so
uncertain, or rather so certain, that they gene-
rally send out functionaries as they do dispatches,
in triplicate — and I not noticed — at them again
— made a grievance — complained of injustice —
talked of my parliamentary interest in England
— and wound up all, by distinctly stating that I

GURNEY MARRIED. 275

would rather resign my office than continue to be
oppressed."

" What effect had that ?" said I.

" Quite the reverse from what I intended,"
said Daly ; " a regular recoil — answer came,
sure enough. What d'ye think it was? Two
lines from an under-secretary — they had taken
me at my word. " Have to acknowledge your
letter — date so and so — stating so and so — and am
directed by his Lordship to inform you that your
resignation has been accepted — and Mr. Mum-
jummy of Aldermanbury is appointed your suc-
cessor." Having resigned, no passage was found
me home — no pay there — so I have returned to
my native land — which in itself is something —
rather worse than I went, and have been forced
to avail myself of my little trickeries which used
formerly to delight the fashionable world in order
to raise the supplies, and get to London with a few
pounds in hand to keep the thing going till I can
what we call turn round and look about me."

" And does your scheme answer?" asked I.

a Never tried it but twice," said Daly: " lasl

N 6

276 GURNEY MARRIED.

night second appearance — you saw the result —
as to finance, ' a beggarly account of empty
boxes' — as to the exhibition 'flat, stale, and un-
profitable.' The absurdities of an amateur are
always rapturously received ; but the moment a
man is called upon to pay for his pleasures, he
becomes critical overmuch ; and although he de-
clares himself ready to die with laughing at some
gratuitous absurdity in a drawing-room, he would
pronounce the same performance, if he had to
' fork out,' as uncommonly dull, and deucedly
dear at the money."

" Why then it does not answer? " said I.

"It answers," replied Daly, " very much as
the under secretary of state did — unfavourably
to my views — so I mean to discard the dramatic
and take to the literary line. I have already
made a bargain with a London bookseller to
commence to publish a couple of volumes of
k Travels in the Interior of Africa,' which I have
written, and of which, to tell you truth, I have
brought a specimen in my pocket: these things,
they tell me, sell admirably well now; and with

GURNEY MARRIED. 277

half a dozen views and the portraits of a chief or
two, will, I have no doubt, fetch the bibliopole a
pretty penny ; at least he thinks so by his offer.
Here is my specimen — I will leave it with you
till I start, for I shall be off this evening."

" And did you mean to have passed through
Blissfold without paying me a visit?" said I.

« No," said Daly, "not exactly that; but I
think if I had known you were established here,
I should not have passed through Blissfold at all :
owing to my late arrival I was not aware of it :
and most certainly, whatever your surprise last
night might have been at seeing me as a per-
former, mine at beholding you as audience was
at least equal."

The expressed intention of Daly to leave his
interesting manuscript with me till he started,
implied a return to Ashmead in the after part of
the day, for which I was not altogether prepared.
Not but that, even after all that had passed, I
should have been too happy to give him board
and lodging for an indefinite term — but he was
so uncertain, so mischievous, and so uncontrol-

278 GURNEY MARRIED.

lable, that I did not feel safe in permitting the
possibility of his starting off into an elaborated
detail of all the events of the preceding years of
our acquaintance. I resolved, if possible, to
guard myself from the effects of such indiscretions
by pleading a dinner-engagement at the Rec-
tory ; for it struck me that if I reduced my dinner
at home, as I had already reduced my breakfast,
to a tete-a-ttte, he might, in the inevitable pre-
sence of the servants, indulge in some of those
reminiscences, the very peculiarity of which
would render them matters worth listening to,
and make them valuable acquisitions to the
archives of the housekeeper's room or servants'
hall. Pondering, therefore, the least harsh mode
of disentangling myself from a continuance of
the unlocked for association with my friend, I
asked him whether he had lately heard of his
better half.

I cannot describe the sensations which 1 felt
when making this enquiry, associated as it was
with the recollection of events at once so over-
whelming and absorbing to myself, and eon-

GUKNEY MARRIED. 279

trasted as those events and everything connected
with them were with the occurrences and pur-
suits of my present life. His answer was, that
he had certainly heard of her, but the intelli-
gence he had received was not of a nature to in-
duce a belief that she was particularly interested
in his fortunes or his fate.

" I should like your opinion on my manu-
script," said Daly, with the pertinacious affec-
tion for his literary offspring so remarkable on
the part of authors.

" And I should like to read it," said I ; " but
when do you leave this ?"

" I fixed upon going this evening," said Daly ;
"but I am not tied to time — to-morrow will
answer my purpose just as well."

This forced me into a declaration of my ima-
ginary engagement.

" I am deucedly sorry," said I, " that I
happen to have promised to dine at the Rectory
with my father-in-law, else I should have been
delighted if you would have dined here."

I said those very words, and said them, too,

280 GURNEY MARRIED.

with real sincerity and truth, merely making a
conditional reservation, the cause of which was
Daly's own imprudence. I should have been
truly delighted to have had him to dine, if I
could have trusted him. Thus the fault, in fact,
was his, not mine ; and, after all, the " being de-
lighted " surely was not a less allowable fa$on
de parler than " deeply regretting " the impos-
sibility of accepting a disagreeable on account of
a fictitious previous engagement ; nor one bit
worse than the absurdity of appending to a letter,
in which one has indulged in the expression of
the most contemptuous opinions and degrading
epithets, the generally-adopted formulary —
" 1 have the honour to remain, Sir,
"Your most obedient very humble servant."'

" But," continued I, " if you will trust me with
a portion of the manuscript which you have with
you, it shall be faithfully returned to you this
evening; indeed, I will send it back to you
when I go to the Rectory."

" I think," said Daly, " you will find it inter-
esting — very little of the interior is known,

GURNEY MARRIED. 281

after all — but — if — as your literary talents are
generally recognised — you should see any errors,
either in style or language, perhaps you would
do me the kindness to use a correcting hand ? —
that's all."

I promised — disclaiming at the same time
any of the qualifications which Daly ascribed to
me — to read the book with all due attention,
feeling at the same time, a strong desire to make
myself, in some degree, better acquainted with
the state of my friend's finances. That they
were low he had confessed, but I did not feel
myself at liberty to inquire if I could be of any
assistance, nor indeed did I doubt, considering
all our foregone acquaintance, that he would
hesitate to constitute me his banker, if he con-
sidered it necessary ; still there appeared in his
manner a sort of restlessness and nervousness,
which communicated themselves to me; and I
felt, I scarce knew why — an immoderate anxiety
for his departure.

1 dreaded a visit from Sniggs while Daly was
with me — he would not only recognise the lion

282 GURNEY MARRIED.

of the preceding night, but would no doubt
strike up an intimate acquaintanceship with
him, and, by a sympathetic interchange offacetice,
detain him at Ashmead, perhaps till luncheon
— perhaps he might be the bearer of some
message from Wells, whom I knew he was to
see upon parish business at eleven, which might
overthrow in an instant all my well-arranged
history of my engagement. However, at last,
after he had done ten thousand things, as I
thought, purposely tending to delay his depar-
ture, Daly went, leaving me his manuscript, of
which I considered it my duty to read a certain
part, and forming my judgment of the whole by
some favourable sample, return it, as I had pro-
mised, before dinner.

I wished him farewell — begged him to write
to me when he was fixed in London — and
assured him of my perfect readiness to be of use
to him whenever or however I might be able.
> ct when he was out of sight I reproached
myself with not having put my offer more expli-
citly, and volunteered some immediate assist-

GURNEY MARRIED. 283

ance. The truth is, I was confused and worried,
and thrown off my guard, and I really believe
it would have been better not to have invited
him at all to Ashmead, than have treated him
as I did — without being able to avoid it.

When he was gone, I hastened to Harriet's
room, and as I never concealed a thought or
a wish from her, explained to her the necessity
I felt for avoiding Daly, by dining at her
father's — an explanation scarcely necessary, be-
cause I had long before told her the whole
history of my former adventures with him, even
to the episode of my infatuation about Emma.
My dear little woman perfectly agreed with me
in my views on the subject, and I accordingly
wrote to the Rector, to announce my intention,
and received, as usual, a kindly welcome to his
hospitable house. Having done which, I sat
myself down to peruse the papers of my volatile
friend, in order that they might be punctually
restored to him before his departure, which,
unencouraged by me to remain where he was,
he had positively fixed for that evening, per

284. GURNEY MARRIED.

mail, if there should be a place for him when it
arrived.

I untied the packet, and having skimmed the
three preliminary chapters, which were occupied
in describing the town in which he had been
located and its environs, its different insti-
tutions and offices, all of which I had previously
read about, I passed on to the account of Daly's
journey into a part of the interior, which, ac-
cording to his statement, had never been visited
before \

Daly, having travelled upwards of one hun-
dred and sixty miles, without meeting with any
considerable impediment or remarkable adven-
ture, arrived on the 15th of April at the town
of Basfoodo, the residence of the king of the
Gummangoes. He then proceeds with his
journal : —

1 Since Mr. Gurney's papers were written, a vast number
of live* have been lost in various attempts to penetrate into
the interior of Africa, an object never to be attained, and
which ought never again to be attempted, without a military
force adequate to the protection of the brave and enterprising
individuals who may be yet found willing to repeat the expe-
riment.

GURNEY MARRIED. 285

" I was accompanied by my own servant,
Richard Evans ; Woolpoo, an intelligent negro
who had joined ns at Mamfoz; Faz and Borjee,
two boys ; and a guide. At Basfoodo we were
well received, contrary as it appeared to me, to
the expectations of my conductor. The king a
man of great intelligence, who spoke the Gum-
mango language with peculiar sweetness, made
numerous inquiries as to the objects I had in
view. Woolpoo acted as interpreter : and, after
an hour's talk, the king ordered me some
Qualch, a dish made of horseflesh and melted
butter. I couitrived to eat some of it, because I
was given to understand it was considered a
great luxury, and, being sent by the king, it
would have been thought disrespect if I had not
partaken of it.

" I was conducted to a hut which had been
prepared for me by the king's order, where there
were several extremely large women waiting to
give me tamarinds and rice, which they had
brought with them. They were accompanied
by five or six Pungahs, who appeared to be

286 GURNEY MARRIED.

their daughters, who diverted me much by their
grotesque dances. Oggenou Bow Ting, whom
I soon discovered to be the king's favourite
minister, told me that he had ordered plenty of
milk-and-water for my horses ; but when I
ventured to express an intention of quitting
Basfoodo early the next morning, he assumed
a somewhat authoritative manner, and said,
' Betnot, betnot,' three or four times. The
strong resemblance of his caution in the Gum-
mango language to the English words, ' better
not,' struck me as remarkably curious.

" In the morning, however, I took leave of
the king, who seemed quite grieved to part
with me ; indeed, I could not prevail upon him
to let me quit him, till I had soothed his regrets
by giving him a double-barrelled gun, a gold-
laced waistcoat, a cocked hat, and a musical
snuff-box. His minister seemed to expect some-
thing for himself; but when I mounted my
horse, and saw that he and two or three of
tin- subordinates were making preparations to
follow me, I repeated the word ' Betnot,' which

GURNEY MARRIED. 287

he had himself used the night before, and they
gave up the design.

" On the 18th we set out, and, although the
road was stony, we reached Pagdouri by nine,
where we breakfasted. This is a small village
on the side of a hill on the banks of a clear
stream. We had rice and milk for breakfast.
About twelve we moved on gently. As we were
proceeding, a young goat crossed our path, which
had evidently strayed from its mother. Woolpoo
advised our catching and killing it. This was
accordingly done, and Faz was intrusted with
the care of carrying it.

From this spot we could discover a very lofty
ridge of mountains, ranging from X.E. to S.W.
None of my companions could give me any in-
formation respecting them, except that they were
called Bogieminicombo, which I believe to mean
the Devil's small-tooth comb. I made a sketch
of this wonderful chain, to which the reader i-
referred.

"About a mile bevond this, we met t\\"
women and three children. They seemed re-

10

288 GUKNEY MARRIED.

markably fond of their offspring. They offered
us milk, and a composition which the natives call
tatumaroo; its savour was not agreeable, and,
not being able to understand exactly what it was
made of, I declined it, but gave some glass beads
to the children and a Paris-made pincushion to
each of the mothers.

" The soil here assumed a new appearance ;
it consisted of good red earth, with some flourish-
ing vegetables. One old man showed us his
garden, in which tobacco was growing. I plucked
one of the leaves and nodded my head, which
seemed to give him much pleasure.

" In the evening we reached Agabagadoo, a
place of considerable importance, containing not
less than two hundred and fifty inhabitants. Here
we cooked our goat; and Woolpoo desired Wag-
gurnedd, an old chief to whom he was known, to
desire one or two of his wives to get a warm bath
ready for me, which they did, and I felt greatly
refreshed by it; — indeed, nothing conduces more
speedily to restore and re-invigorate a weary
traveller than the warm bath.

GURNEY MARRIED. 289

" After supper we had some dancing to the
sound of a drum, which is a hollow cylinder,
over the top of which is strained a piece of calf's
skin. It is beaten on the top with one, and oc-
casionally two, sticks, which produce a hollow
but not altogether disagreeable sound. It light-
ened very much during the evening. I ate some
tamarinds; and at nine we all retired to rest,
but I could not sleep on account of the heat.

" In the morning I was better, and Woolpoo
brought me some lapsuac, a dish made of minced
fish and rice. The butter used in this country
is a vegetable product, derived from the fruit of
the Ce and Nede. We travelled nearly eleven
miles this day, and met a man of some import-
ance, taking his daughter with him to Agabaga-
doo, as Woolpoo said, to be married. He had
tied a rope round her left leg, and fastened it
round his own waist. He appeared very much
amused at our commiserating the poor girl's
sufferings, and said « Kinki, kokki, nogo,' — the
precise meaning of which Woolpoo could nor in-
terpret, but which I understood to signify thai

VOL. I. O

290 GURNEY MARRIED.

if he had not taken the precaution we noticed,
his Pungah would not have been induced to go
the journey.

" This afternoon we crossed a pretty river,
which Woolpoo informed me fell into a larger
one, the name of which he did not recollect.
The water was very clear ; so that, not being
deep, we could distinctly see the bottom in many
places. I here noticed several fish swimming in
the stream, which, appeared to me very closely
to resemble the Gasterosteus aculeatus ; but I was
unable to satisfy myself upon this point, from the
rapidity with which they fled at our approach,
and the difficulty of catching any of them — a
circumstance which I deeply regret.

" At night we reached Fazelon, where we had
a very comfortable supper of cushmakoo, com-
posed of fowl boiled to rags, mixed up with oil,
tamarinds, and a sweet jam, called suckee. I
found this, when seasoned with pepper and salt,
and well moistened with goat's milk, a remark-
ably nice dish.

" One of the Fushdous, or priests, came into

GURNEY MARRIED. 291

our hut, and, having regaled himself, proposed
to accompany us the next day, in order to point
out to us the Pitsi Bow, or Sacred Well, which
was consigned to his care : he left us late,
with a promise to return early, but he did not
make his appearance ; and when I awoke, I
missed my silver snuff-box. I suggested to
Woolpoo the necessity of applying to the chief of
the village for restitution ; but I was met again
with the words * Bet-not.' So I put up with my
loss with the best possible grace.

" Having lost my snuff-box, I was certainty
not very favourably disposed towards the race of
Fushdous, whom I subsequently found were not
regular priests of the Hoggamogadoos, but a pro-
scribed race who were constantly endeavouring
to make a revenue for themselves by exhibiting
the Pitsi Bow, and who were consequently glad
to lay their hands upon any tangible object.

" Having waited for this faithless professor of
what appeared to be an unorthodox sect, till the
sun was nearly up, we recommenced our interest-
ing progress. At Piliivinipou, a small town not

o 2

•292 GURNEY MARRIED.

remarkable for any peculiar feature, and con-
taining about seventy-two inhabitants, we halted.
The wind was westerly ; wild roses and olives
were seen during the morning, and Woolpoo
showed me a mulberry, which, although unripe,
was very satisfactory.

" On the 31st, Evans, my servant, was taken
ill; we, of course, halted at Twiddeo, and
every attention was shown him. The Pim-
sonso or chief of Twiddeo, sent him some
qualch, and I recommended him some Pulv.-
Rad-Jalapii. Whether the horse-flesh or the
medicine succeeded the better I cannot say.
On the 1st Evans was convalescent, and, although
several of the Bonjies of the place seemed quite
satisfied that he must die, he was able to conti-
nue the journey mounted upon one of my she-
aNses.

" I certainly think I may with safety say that
at the period at which I now write, I have
achieved an object of the highest possible import-
ance to all the civilized world. Woolpoo brought
me to-day a man, evidently of deep erudition;

GURNEY MARRIED. *293

for although I did not understand the Gorooga
language (for we had now entered that most im-
portant kingdom), he made me comprehend his
meaning; and from him gathered, what I con-
sider unquestionable evidence of the fact, that the
river which I crossed nine days since was the
Runamunaboo, and that (although Woolpoo then
forgot the name of that to which it was a tribu-
tary stream) it actually falls into the great
Pedee. This important fact, if properly sub-
stantiated, will infallibly settle the question as to
the direction in which the Pedee runs. Sub-
joined is a map of the country through which
these rivers flow, supposing my conclusions to be
correct.

" The day after we left Twiddeo we reached
the romantic town of Humshug, where we met
with a very kind reception from the Bongey wag.
Humshug is situate about fourteen miles N.W.
from Calliwou — there is nothing particularly
interesting in the trajet. I observed, however,
several interesting specimens of Alsine and Ur-
tica, of which I availed myself, but which I rv-

o3

294 GURNEY MARRIED.

gret to say I was not able to bring to England.
Plate 34 will, however, afford a pleasing recol-
lection of these interesting novelties.

" I considered it necessary to give the Bon-
geywag some mark, not only of my personal
esteem, but of the regard in which his character
was held in England. I therefore presented him
with a six-bladed Sheffield knife, and a cornelian
necklace ; he was much gratified, and insisted
upon giving me several cocks and hens, and a
goat.

" We took leave of Humshug with great
regret, and,, pursuing our way by the side of the
river, or rather rivulet, Pevvennee, reached the
beautiful village of Fan tod, just in time to
accept of the hospitality of the chief, who not
only treated me and my people with great
kindness, but favoured me with a sort of voca-
bulary which I found of great use afterwards,
and which I have thought it right in part to
communicate to my readers.
" Ilumbo wag. How do you do ?

Pooley frou dowwz. Pretty well.

GURNEY MARRIED. 295

Swigglee mogou. Give me something to

drink.

Swinkee sou. I am hot.

Mombro mullygrubou. I am ill.

Tatifatitooroo. Send for a Tackafee

(doctor.)

Umbi widdeeou. It rains.

Bumburirombleeboo. Thunder.

Fiz. Lightning.

Wadawantou. How much do you ask?

Coodleadoo. I love you.

Gitouto. Go away.

Kisnice. A lover.

Rooretooro. A wheelbarrow."

Having read so much of the vocabulary, 1
turned over a few pages, and came to this —
" The next day we saw several goats, &c. "

When I had read thus far, I felt, oddly
enough, a somewhat powerful inclination to
sleep ; indeed, it grew so strong, that the manu-
script fell from my unconscious hand upon the
table, and by its fall, awakened me to a " sense

o 4

296 GURXEY .MARRIED.

of my situation." I had already read the ac-
counts of several similar expeditions, and had,
I aijmit, uniformly felt the same symptoms ;
but as, by Daly's statement, he had disposed of
the copyright of his work to an eminent London
publisher, I felt rather ashamed this time of
being- unable to keep myself alive to its interest.
One thing in a considerable degree consoled
me, — I should not be obliged to deliver a viva
voce opinion of the production ; nor, indeed,
could I, with justice, give any opinion at all,
since the chiefest merit of such a book consists
in its correctness and truth. I accordingly re-
folded the manuscript, tied it up, and sealed it;
and enclosing a note, thanking him for the
perusal, which had given me much pleasure,
directed it (as he desired) to Mr. Delaville,
King's Head Inn, and having caused it to be
deposited in the pony phaeton, proceeded, first
to take leave of my dear Harriet and her amiable
mother, and then to drive to the Rectory, where

I had i bjection to pass half an hour before

OUT family dinner.

GURNEY MARRIED. 297

Off I went, with my mind fuller of Cuthberfs

neglect to my wife than any thing else, revolving
also my scheme of writing the next day, if I
did not hear ; and thus occupied reached the
well-known door of Wells's residence. I ordered
the phaeton at ten; and while depositing my cloak
in the hall, heard the billiard-balls at work. This
satisfied me that Sniggs was to be of the parry :
so, directing James to leave the parcel at the
King's Head, I entered the billiard-room, where
I found the reverend Rector acting marker at
the fire-place, while Sniggs was struggling des-
perately to get up with Daly, who ices his anta-
gonist) and had scored fourteen to nine of the
game.

o 5

CHAPTER VIII.

The astonishment which for a moment over-
whelmed me at the sight of Daly, vanished in
the next, when I recollected who the performer
was, and what his character ; indeed, it only
served to assure me that his original and genuine
spirit of enterprise, tolerably well exemplified by
his public exhibition of the preceding evening,
had been in no degree weakened or debased
by his ''foreign travel," but had rather come,
from rlu- purification of African heat, even
stronger and brighter than it was when first
submitted to that test.

" Capital player, Mr. Delaville," said Suiggs,

GURNEY MARRIED. 299

who had put on his glasses to execute the delicate
touches in which he excelled.

" I need not introduce you to my son-in-
law," said Wells to Daly.

" I flatter myself not," said Daly, continuing
his play with an earnestness which convinced
me he was not playing for love, which, in a
sporting phraseology, means, nothing. " A can-
non and red hazard — five — score me five, Domine
— how much is that — nineteen to eleven — and
a hard game — what are the odds ? Chalk,
Domine, if you please — I am going to give
you the regular Phillimore screw."

" Domine !" said I to myself; " has he already
got upon such familiar terms with my reverend
and revered Socer as to call him Domine?"

" There's a stroke, Mr. Sniggs," exclaimed
Daly, after having, by dint of chalk and con-
fidence, twisted the ball half round the table ;
" take your change out of that — now for the
cannon, just so — two and three are five, and five
and nineteen are twenty-four — at least in my
country — game — thirteen and sixpence, Snigg

o 6

:300 GURNEY MARRIED.

I stood amazed, wondering whether the " Do-
mine" would order my facetious friend out of
the house, or " Sniggy" knock him down with
the cue ; but neither of these by me expected
events occurred. Sniggs, who was certainly out
of play, and seemed to me equally out of spirits,
surrendered the implement of his art to Wells,
who was to take up the conqueror.

" I am extremely glad you are come," said
Sniggs to me ; " 1 am beginning to get rather
tidgetty about Tom. He has contrived not
only to shirk taking any of the medicine which
I made up for him, but has managed to make
himself master of two bottles of cherry-bounce
of Mrs. S.'s own manufacture, which were inad-
vertently left in a cupboard in his bed-room.
The contents of one of these, and more than
half of those of the other, he has swallowed.
The result has been a terrible accession of fever,
and occasional delirium, and his appearance is,
1 assure you, extremely alarming. I should
have been at Ashmead now, if I had not heard
that you were expected here at dinner."

GURNEY MARRIED. 301

" And is there any eventual danger to be
anticipated ?" asked I.

" It is impossible to say," replied Sniggs ;
" I have left him in the care of my young
man, and I hope lie may get a little rest ; but
there's no knowing what may happen if we are
not able to overcome the inflammation."

" If anything fatal were to occur," said I,
" it would kill my poor brother ; and then his
being left here — and ."

" No blame can attach to yon" said Sniggs :
" you are strictly prohibited from visiting him."

Yes, thought I, that's very true ; but blame
attaches somewhere, and it is not very difficult
to say where — the idea of leaving such a tempt-
ing potation within reach of the hopeful lad,
whose love of anything "black, sweet, and
intoxicating" was remarkable, combined with
his hatred of physic, and a determination to do
all the mischief he could at the apothecary's
house (his removal to which he considered a
barbarous and degrading banishment) seemed
to me preposterous. If his death should result

302 GURNEY MARRIED.

from such negligence, it could scarcely be con-
sidered accidental or natural ; and from the
peculiar twist of Sniggs's countenance, I felt
assured that however much he might try to
conceal his real opinion of the case, it was in
fact ominously unfavourable.

" I shall step home immediately after dinner,"
said Sniggs, " and see how he is going on. I
told Mr. Tibbs to send the instant he fancied
him growing worse; but by the evening we
shall be better able to judge."

The intelligence of the worthy leech, and the
tone in which it was conveyed, filled my mind
with serious apprehensions, and hindered me
from making immediate enquiries as to the
cause and manner of Daly's introduction and
presence at the Rectory. Wells was one of
those liberal-minded men of the Church who
was ever ready to patronize merit in whatever
profession he found it, and having known that
I had gone behind the scenes to" speak to Daly
— or rather Delaville, for although he had break-
tasted with ///'• as Daly, he was at the Rectory

GURNEY MARRIED. 303

under his nomme de guerre — the invitation was
probably the act of the Rector himself. By
whatever means it had been achieved, it was to
me a most embarrassing circumstance, and I
now regretted that I had not pressed him to
stop and dine with me, which the willingness
with which he had subsequently postponed his
departure to dine with Wells, showed me that
it was quite clear he would have done. I felt
that I could have managed him so much better
in my own house, and that Wells at Ashmead
would have had fewer opportunities of making
enquiries into his earlier life, and of giving him
the opportunity of dilating upon our former
intimacy, and the numerous curious circum-
stances and occurrences therewith connected.
I had, in fact, outwitted myself: however, I do
not think the most imaginative anticipator would
ever have foretold the probability or even pos-
sibility of my finding my friend and foe, my
" bane and antidote," domesticated in my father-
in-law's house, in less than four-and-twenty
hours after his arrival in Blissfold, ami addressing

10

304 GURNEY MARRIED.

him and his companion by the affectionate
epithets of Domine and Sniggy.

This event, which at any other time would
have of itself sadly discomposed me, and made
me wretchedly nervous, became, however, of
secondary importance when I revolved in my
mind the probable consequences of what I began
to think would be the probable result of Tom's
illness. From a false pride I had omitted writing
to Cuthbert to give him an account of his health;
and Cuthbert, in his love of ease, availing himself
of the future opportunity of justifying his silence
by a declaration that he had been waiting to
hear from me, had pursued a precisely similar
line of conduct.

Before I left home I had, as I have already
recorded, resolved that, whatever my feelings
about Mrs. Brandyball and her influence might
be, all delicacy upon that point was to be over-
come ; and I had accordingly determined to
write by to-morrow's post. What Sniggs had
communicated rendered this duty doubly impe-
rative: and the best thing I could do, under

GURNEY MARRIED. 305

existing circumstances, would be to delay till
the last moment permitted by the post-office to
forward my account of Tom, perfectly satisfied
in my own mind, that let the consequences of
the carelessness of Mr. or Mrs. Sniggs, or both
of them, as the case might be, be what they
might, they would be visited upon me to the
fullest extent of Cuthbert's vengeance.

And to what might this not reach ? It was
true Cuthbert had made me, to a certain degree,
independent, and I occupied a place in society
which many men, greatly my superiors in rank
and fortune, might reasonably envy, and which,
at all events, enabled me to envy nobody ; but
all this comfort and enjoyment was — at least to
a very considerable extent — derivable from, and
dependent upon, the will and pleasure of my
brother ; at least, without meaning a pun, my
present possession of it, was the result of his
pleasure, and its permanency would entirely
depend upon his will.

I was satisfied that if Tom should unfortunately
die, that very circumstance would consummate

30G GURNEY MARRIED.

Mrs, Brandyball's triumph. She would, of
course, irritate Cuthbert, enlarge upon our in-
humanity, and, in short, carry her great point
of securing the entire guardianship and control
of the girls ; in order to do which, with the
greater show of propriety and independence,
she would unquestionably become the second
Mrs. Cuthbert Gurney. That event would, with
equal certainty, more especially considering the
unfortunate incident which brought it about,
divert the current of my poor brother's bounty
and liberality into new chanuels, and I might
suddenly find myself left with Ashmead on my
hands, without the means of living in it, or
keeping it up.

It may easily be imagined that with all these
prospects for the future in my mind's eye, and
the dread that Daly would indulge the company,
in the course of the day, with details of the past,
my position and feelings were anything but
agreeable.

" Tom," said Wells, " is, I hear, worse to-
day ?"

GURNEY MARRIED. 307

" Yes," said I, " I am deucedly sorry he is."

"Are you?" said Daly; "that won't do, —
no, my dear Gilbert, I have heard the story —
happen to know, as Hull says — never tell me
that a man can be sorry for a fellow who is
likely to stand in his way — nine to six" — still
playing on. " I once knew a man, and a capital
fellow too, who was in remainder to a title and
a fortune, with nobody between, but a con-
sumptive cousin of five years old — eleven to six
— and what d'ye think he did, Sniggs ?"

" Can't say," said Sniggs.

" Goes to the family apothecary — two more,
that's thirteen — and says, ' what a fine healthy
boy that Ferdinand Alphonso is !'

" « Healthy !' cries the apothecary ; ' sickly,
you mean ?'

" ' On the contrary,' cries the heir-presump-
tive, ' I mean healthy.'

The apothecary shook his head.

" J Well,' said the heir-presumptive, ' I tell
you what I'll do — you attend him constantly,
and ought to know — but I'll bet you a thousand

30S GURNEY MARRIED.

guineas to one he is alive this day twelve-
month.'

"The doctor jumped at the bet, and before
six months were over, the Baron Ferdinand
Alphonso was settled all safe and snug in the
family vault, and the heir presumptive in full
possession."

" Do you mean to say" said Sniggs.

" Nothing," replied Daly ; " only that the
medical man was the best judge, and was quite
right in backing his opinion. Now, if Tom, —
what d'ye call your invalid connexion? — were
to fall in with a medical man, who entertained
so bad an opinion of his case, I should say —
psha ! that's a miss — score one — I should say
betting the castor out would be very pretty
sport."

Wells looked somewhat surprised, and Sniggs
appeared extremely indignant.

" La," said Daly, " medical matters are often
brought to bettings. Did you never hear the
story of the fit and the bleeding — it's as old as
the Hills— not the Hulls— eh— Gilbert?"

GURNEY MARRIED. 309

" Not to my knowledge," said I.

" Gad, Sir," said Daly, « Will Witley, an
old friend of mine, was standing one day at the
window at White's, and down he fell in a fit,
as flat as a flounder. Sir Harry Liptrap offered
three hundred to two that he would die. ' Done,'
said Lord Bendamere. ' Done,' cried Liptrap.
And done and done it was. The nearest apo-
thecary had been sent for on the instant : — in he
came post-haste — looked at Will — and whipped
out his lancet in the twinkling of an eye

" ' Mind what you are at, Sir,' said Sir Harry
to the doctor ; ' if you bleed that gentleman,
and he recovers, you'll pay my three hundred to
Lord Bendamere. I backed Nature out at three
to two ; but I did not bet upon Art.'

" Whether the apothecary were frightened,
or whether he bled the patient, I can't say," said
Daly ; " but Will Witley is alive and merry
at this moment to tell the story, and the Jockey
Club had to 'settle the difference.' "

" Your humane suggestion," said I to Daly,
" at once so gratifying to me, and so compli-

•)10 GURNEY MARRIED.

mentary to Mr. Sniggs, it would scarcely be
worth trying. The poor boy of whom we are
talking is no heir-presumptive, nor does he
stand in my way, except that by his death, if it
should unfortunately happen, I am likely to lose
whatever my poor brother might otherwise have
have been disposed to leave me in case of my
surviving him. However, let us hope for the
best."

A summons to dinner terminated the con-
versation; but I thought I began to perceive
that Wells was not quite delighted with his new
visiter, who had, it appeared, made good his
landing, by having accosted the Rector in the
Blissfold library, and having proclaimed his old
friendship for me, and a perfect recollection of
my father-in-law's father, whom he said had
been an intimate friend of his nncle John's.

To me, perfectly acquainted as I was with
my friend's " facilities," this ancient friendship
was somewhat problematical ; and when Wells
was describing the circumstance of Daly's self-
introduction to him — encouraged, however, by

GURNEY MARRIED. 311

a good-natured recognition on the part of the
Rector — he evidently overheard us ; and the
twinkle of his eye, and the motion of his mouth,
convinced me that Uncle John, if he ever
existed, which, (as I never had previously heard
of him,) I very much doubted, knew no more
of our host's respectable father than I did.

Things, I must confess, all turned out badly
upon this particular day. When Wells invited
Daly to dine with him, he had not received a
very curious letter from Lieutenant Merman,
upon which he was desirous of consulting me,
and which promised, under certain circum-
stances, very much to alter the position, and,
eventually, the state of his daughter Fanny.
I saw that his mind was occupied by some
subject of importance, and that neither his
playing nor marking was done attentively ; and
although I was not prepared to hear what he
subsequently told me respecting the gallant
officer's communication, I felt perfectly assured
that his thoughts were not on what he was doing.

The consequence of all these " cross pur-

312 GURNEY MARRIED.

poses,' was, that Wells, instead of being cheerful
and full of anecdote, " his custom always of the
afternoon," was dull and restless, and neither
encouraged Daly in his drolleries, nor laughed
when he made an effort, and volunteered a
joke. Sniggs was fidgetty about Tom, and so
was I, and the result was, that which is by no
means unfrequent in society, the " merry men
all," when brought together, were as dull and
gentlemanly as possible.

One anecdote Daly gave us, which made
Wells smile, but the rather, I believe, because
he knew the hero of the tale, or, at least, the
hero as Daly told it, for it did not appear to me
quite impossible that my friend might have
heard Wells speak of the reverend personage
upon whom he fathered it. Sniggs had been
describing the various tracasseries of poor Tom
Falwasser during his confinement at his house,
and amongst other things, told us that his rest-
lessness was such that he never could get him
to lie still, even when rest would be most
advantageous.

GURNEY MARRIED. {313

"Gad," said Daly, "that only shows the
difference of dispositions; perhaps age has some-
thing to do with it — an old friend of mine,
Doctor Doldrum, of Dorchester — rich — snug —
smug incumbent of a fine fat living, and a
bachelor, was regularly hunted by the old maids
and widows of his neighbourhood. They were
sure he would find a wife such a comfort. — His
house only wanted a lady to take care of it, —
and accordingly he was never left at rest upon
this important topic.

" One however of these anxious creatures
took the lead of the others ; and when he once
happened to be seized with a somewhat serious
illness, resolved upon nursing him, which she
did most assiduously — ay, and kindly too. He
began to recover; but the listlessness of fever
hung about him ; and although his doctors
ordered him to get up every day, there
he lay, indolent and weak, and so he went on
for a week or more, without once leaving his
nest.

VOL. I. 1'

314 GURNEY MARRIED.

a

Pray try and get up, Doctor," said the
attentive Mrs. Mantrap.

" I am too weak, Ma'am," said the Doctor ;
" I will try to-morrow."

" Fine day," said Mrs. Mantrap, " beautiful
breeze — let Thomas wheel you into the garden ?"

"I can't, Ma'am," said the Doctor; "I'm
too weak."

" Do, Doctor ?"

•« No, Ma'am, no," said Doldrum.

" Dear me, dear me," said Mrs. Mantrap,
losing patience with her patient, " will nothing
make you get out of your bed ?"

" No, Ma'am," said the Doctor, with a deep
sigh and a look of despair — " nothing — except,
indeed, your getting into it."

" This brnsquerie broke off the acquaintance,
and Doldrum died in a state of ' single blessed-

ness.'"

This, however, I regret to say was, if not the
first, the last bit of merriment of the day; for
just as Daly had finished his anecdote, looking

GURNEY MARRIED. 315

liimself as grave as a judge, a message from
Sniggs's young gentleman, Mr. Tibbs, took
him away before the time at which he had in-
tended to go. We were — at least Wells and
J — considerably agitated by the sudden manner
in which the message was announced ; and I
— full to a certain degree of a kind of internal
superstition — anticipated the worst.

Wells, who saw what was passing in my
mind, and knowing that I was specially pro-
hibited from even entering the apothecan *S
house, followed Sniggs, promising to bring me
an authentic account of poor Tom's state ; and
thus, in no humour for such a scene, I was left
for a short time tete-a-tete with Delaville Daly
or Daly Delaville, whichever it best suited
himself to be. " Sibthorpe Hopkins, or Hop-
kins Sibthorpe."

"Odd, isn't it?" said he, when Wells was
fairly out of hearing — " deuced odd, that ' we
should be both here together,' as the new song
says? Wells is a capital fellow — liked him the
moment I saw him — always have a respect for

p •_>

ol6 GURNEY MARRIED.

the cloth — especially when a dinner is in the way.
You told me you were coming here ; so, thinks
I to myself, I'll just pave the way and meet
him — did it in my best style."

" You seem to have done so," said I, in a
tone and manner which must have practically
convinced the yet untamed madcap that I had
very materially altered my views of life and
society.

" Never see a Domine," said Daly, " but
think of the horrid tricks we used to play Carbo
Cockletop, the curate of Cranberry, where 1
was at all the school I ever had — we called him
Carbo because he looked like a Wallsend polished
— devout but dirty, poor dear fellow ! Amiable,
confiding, dim-eyed, and dignified, if not in his
profession, certainly in his manner; he had a
fashion of throwing himself with a magisterial
air backwards on the seat in the pulpit after his
preliminary prayer. Upon that seat did 1 re-
gularly do hen's work every Sunday."

" Hen's work ?" said I gravely, and really
not comprehending him.

GURNEY MARRIED. 317

" Yes," said Daly — " hen's work. Every
Sunday, there and upon that velvet cushion
did 1 lay an egg, and as regularly did poor
Carbo Cockletop carry on the process of in-
cubation to a certain degree by sitting on it —
falling gracefully upon his seat without looking
before, or rather behind him, down he went —
squash went the e^g; and so absorbed was he
in the might of his own majesty, that, like a
heroic general in a different field of action, he
never heard the bursting of the shell, nor took
any notice of the event. But when the sermon
was over, and Carbo came down to make the
amiable amongst his congregation, the effect of
the squash upon the back of his shining canon-
icals was good — the field sable and the egg
proper were beautiful heraldry ; and homeward
he walked, wholly unconscious of the absurdity
of his appearance. And this I did seven con-
secutive Sundays with undiminished success."

" Ah," said I, " such things I could have
laughed at once — but "

" I perceive," said Daly, " things are altered

p3

818 GURNEY MARRIED.

since I was behind the parson, and you have
been before him ; however, I am a Benedick too
— eh ? — thank your lucky stars ! "

" I hope," said I, " that your prospects will
brighten. I am sure your book ought to secure
you money and reputation. I only wonder how
you, with your habits, could have undergone the
fatigues and privations incidental to such a
journey as that which you have so accurately
detailed."

" Fatigues ! " said Daly ; " privations ! — why
my dear Gilbert, you don't suppose I ever went
to any of the places I describe — not a bit of it !
I never was out of the infernal town, which, I
wish to my heart, I never had been in, except
as I remember my visits to Sir Frank Blaze-
away, the commodore, in his frigate. Frank is
as fine a fellow as ever stepped — fights like a
devil, and drinks and plays as well as he fights."

" My dear Daly," said I, "all these things
are very well in their way, but you ought to
reflect."

" What, as my looking-glass does when I

GUIINEY MARRIED. 319

shave," said Daly, " to warn me how time
creeps on — or rather gallops. No, I hate reflec-
tion, Gilbert. Sufficient to the day be the evil
thereof; and although some great-man, I forget
his name at the moment — no matter — says, * He
that never looks back will never gain wisdom
enough to look forward,' I go no farther than
the present "

" But, the book," said I ; " how do you re-
concile the calling it your journey into the in-
terior ?"

" ' 'Tis mine, 'twas his,' " said Daly, " and
I hope will ' be slave to thousands.' I talked to
a man who had been there, or somewhere else,
and I read other men's books of travels. I knew
they had never been where they said they had
been ; and I consider a matter-of-fact detail
made off-hand is a work of infinitely greater in-
genuity than the common-place report of an
actual journey. Rely upon it, my Qualch will
become a fashionable dish before a twelvemonth
is over our heads, and I shall be lionised all over
London for having caught a glimpse of the

3*20 GURNEY MARRIED.

Bogieminnicombo Mountains, which never were
discovered, and having- ascertained the direction
in which a river that nobody ever heard of does
not run."

" I hope you may, but "

" Oh," said Daly, " you are sceptical — you
have pulled up and are steady — I must continue
dashing at something. True, my creditors are
not dead, but they must be pacified. I can't
kill myself a second time, and ' take the benefit
of the act ' — I mean of innocent suicide — the
knob on my nose is too well known now. Still,
nil desperandum is my motto ; and I back myself
three to two, like the winner at White's, that
I fall on my legs — at least as long as I have a
plank left to stand upon."

" Exactly so," said I, not forgetting what I
had seen some years before at the Old Bailey ;
" but now," I continued, really anxious about
him, and feeling rather glad that I had an oppor-
tunity of offering him some assistance which I
had not done in the morning, " what do yoii
really and seriously propose?"
12

GURNEY MARRIED. 3'J1

His answer was checked by the return of
Wells, the expression of whose generally cheer-
ful countenance told me better than words, that
matters looked badly with the invalid.

" The boy is dying," said Wells ; " he is
delirious, and Snio-£S is convinced an effusion on
the brain will take place. Nothing can be
worse."

" Nothing, indeed," said I. " This will be
a dreadful blow upon us all ; and, to say truth,
I do not think when the case comes to be looked
into, that Sniggs will get much credit on the
score of carefulness, in allowing such a patient
access to strong spirits like cherry brandy."

" Especially," said Daly, who would rather
lose ten friends than one joke, however good the
one and however bad the other — " especially a
boy whose addiction to bounce was notorious."

" Ah, Mr. Delaville," said Wells, " those
who have never suffered an affliction of this
sort may jest upon it : for my part, I am sure
you will forgive me ; 1 had hoped to pass an
agreeable day and evening with you and my

'322 GURNEY MARRIED.

son-in-law ; but this most unexpected calamity
presses upon us dreadfully, and I think that Gil-
bert and I ought to go to Ashmead, where the
news, if anything fatal does occur, would perhaps
abruptly reach his wife, and produce the most
serious consequences."

" I agree with you," said I to Wells : " and I

am sure, my dear Daly "

" Daly !" said Wells. " Delaville, I thought."

" Ay," said I, " his travelling name ; but "

" Daly ! " repeated the Rector, somewhat
emphatically. " Surely you are not the Mr.
Daly of whom I have heard Gilbert so frequently
talk?"

" The same in propria persona" said Daly,
making a theatrical bow, "and very much at
your service."

I saw that the Hector was very much surprised,
and fancied that he was a little angry. This
vexed me ; because I feared that I should be
implicated as a party to the deception with re-
gard to my friend's assumed name. However,
as I had neither brought him to the Rectory,

GURNEY MARRIED. 3'2»3

nor invited him thither, but, on the contrary,
had left my own house in order to avoid him; I
felt, also, that I could explain away my share of
the business during our walk to Ashmead ; upon
which Wells seemed more positively resolved,
after discovering whom his guest really was,
than he was before.

" I shall make no apology, Mr. Daly," said
Wells, " for wishing you a good evening : so old
a friend of my son-in-law will, I am sure, not
require ceremony."

i " Assuredly not," said Daly. " I will ju>r,
top up with one glass of sherry, and betake my-
self to ' mine inn,' extremely glad to have seen
Gilbert happy, and to thank you for your hospi-
tality." Saying which, he rose from the table,
Wells rang the bell, and having cordially shaken
hands with both of us, the unreformed wag w;i-<

in a few minutes clear of the house.

>

END OF VOL. 1.

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